What can a Canadian say about Friday?

After a CNN binge, cuddles with kids who have no idea why they’re suddenly being held extra-tight, and a gamut of complicated feelings following the Connecticut shooting, I thought the best thing I could do for my readers yesterday was shut the fuck up and not post anything.

Most of my readership is American. I live 67 blocks from the Canada-US border. I watch American TV, consume American products, and inhale American politics perhaps more voraciously than Canadian politics…

People often ask why Canadians follow American news so closely and are so openly invested in what goes on south of the border. Plenty of writers have addressed this question much more eloquently and with much more intellectual rigor than this blog ever could. Suffice to say that, culturally, we marinate in the same juices. And while plenty of Canadians (and other western nations) are asking “what the fuck?” about American gun laws, American mental health provisions, and the general economic desperation in which America finds itself, it would be sheer hypocrisy for me as a Canadian to say our nation doesn’t incubate its own complement of psychos who, if as easily weaponized as their US counterparts, would easily achieve the same percentage of horror.

So what the fuck, then?

Leaving aside desensitization and disenfranchisement and alienation for discussion by all the douchebag talking-head psychologists rising to their 15 minutes of fame being interviewed by famous lisping reporters who should retire instead of prodding nine-year-old children for interviews about escaping death, what the fuck is there to say to my friends in the country to the south to which I feel so culturally connected?

I’m sorry.

My first impulse was to say “what the fuck?” about your gun laws and your mental-health legislation and the dominance of the NRA, but what I really need to say to you is I’M SORRY. I’m sorry this awful thing happened. I’m sorry these things continue to happen. I’m sorry so many of your population do not feel protected without weaponry. I’m sorry that weaponry falls into the wrong hands. I’m sorry the NRA is responding to Friday’s tragedy by proposing handgun laws be relaxed so teachers can pack a weapon in class. I’m sorry you will never be able to feel safe dropping your children off at school again.

I finally turned off the news yesterday when I heard the quote from a little boy who had just learned his sister had been killed. “Who will I play with? I don’t have anybody to play with.”

I felt…I couldn’t function in a world where that was a reality. It can’t be like this. Really, it can’t fucking be like this. There must be something we can do to make it not be like this.

What can people from other nations do?

Treasure our friendships with Americans.

Some of the coolest people I know are from the US. We have family in the US. It’s a pleasure to correspond with smart, funny, interesting Americans knowing that we share values of kindness, fairness, honesty, and humor. We’re all fighting the good fight—raising kids to be decent and striving for a good society, trying to be kind to each other and feel safe. We need to show support for that good fight—because it’s hard to feel strong when your most vulnerable citizens are targeted.

Try to understand the problem.

Watching Obama’s speech following the shooting, I had the overwhelming sense that he, too, was thinking What the fuck? How can this keep happening? It’s not a simple problem to shut down, and powerful interests are involved. Obama gets blocked on just about everything he tries to accomplish. The Second Amendment is sacrosanct despite its archaic origins. Not only that—the Second Amendment aligns with all sorts of other polarizing issues. The whole thing is a fucking hornet’s nest.

Express our wishes, no matter how naïve.

I would like to see Obama, having just won a four-year term, say out loud: “The right to bear arms is untenable.” Maybe he can’t, and probably he won’t, but that’s what people from other nations are saying. Paradigm shifts do happen, but sometimes we have to make them happen.

Pressure the US about gun control.

If the world is a village, it’s our job to make our voices heard, even if they are small. Gun violence represents a national emergency in the US. Just this week two potential mass shootings were averted (Indiana and Colorado). How many more bad ideas are smoldering in the minds of heavily armed, mentally disturbed individuals? What does it take to ignite a bad idea such as shooting up an elementary school? One bad day?

Following the 1996 massacre at Dunblane Primary School in Scotland, handgun ownership was banned in the UK. But the discussion can’t even get onto the US table without people screeching about Second Amendment rights. Sorry, my American friends, the Second Amendment is killing you.

For most of the civilized world, curtailing handgun ownership is a no-brainer. How many more children have to die for it to become a no-brainer in the US?

So I’ll sign petitions, I’ll write letters—I will do whatever it takes to poison the idea that carrying or even owning a handgun is normal.

As a Canadian the number one thing I want to express to the US is compassion. We wept watching the news this week.

The number two thing is outrage. The aphorism that “guns don’t kill people, people kill people” is bullshit. People kill people when they have weapons.

I know this space isn’t the place for a long rant about gun control. This blog is intended to be a humorous space, or at least it tries. But I couldn’t think of anything else except: holy shit, America, I want you to be safe.

Connecticut shooting victim names

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Move over, Oprah! LB’s got some new favorite things too!

My Fellow Inebriates,

It’s that wonderful time of year when Oprah tells us her Favorite Things.

I don’t know about you, but every year I wait with bated breath to hear what new luxuries Oprah’s pushing. She may enjoy mashed potatoes more than she likes vodka, but Oprah knows a thing or two about sybaritic living. Naturally I’m going to hijack her annual merchandising love fest, plunder it for keywords and tags, borrow her unauthorized image, and share some things I’d like to give and receive this season. So without further ado…

Oddly enough, many people don’t possess a flask. What a great gift for that closet drinker at your office, that frustrated parent at the playground…or you? And there’s nothing like Montgomery Scott to give you a warm, fuzzy feeling about secretive drinking.

Star Trek flask from CBS Store, $26.95

 

The Apocalypse is a mere 25 days away, but you might want to hedge your bets and send out Christmas cards anyway.

Set of 10 “Obama O Come Let Us Adore Him” Nativity Cards by Dan Lacey, $20.00

 

And if that doesn’t remind you of the reason for the season, get your hairy mitts on a T-shirt from The Oatmeal.

Glow-in-the-dark Wookiee Jesus T-shirt from The Oatmeal, $18.99

 

For friends who don’t find Jell-O shots sufficiently harsh and enjoy an additional suggestion of illicit behavior, how about some syringe-shaped shots? Just squirt the shot into your mouth. Ahh!

EZ Inject Jell-O Shot Injectors, $32.95

 

For those friends who need a reminder where those shots will take them…

Toilet shot glasses, bringing you full circle from that moment someone said, “Hey, let’s do some shots!” $9.95

And for friends planning a visit to Walmart in hopes someone will snap a picture…

This festive plush Santa hat features three elastic holders for shots. You supply your own alcohol and crazed expression. $9.99

 

And for friends who are already featured among the People of Walmart

Redneck wine glass, $15.00

 

Typically on Christmas morning we’re so busy tearing open gifts that we forget about the stockings, and then we get some lovely little surprises. This item isn’t really for drinking, but it contains 62% alcohol, and most of us could use it now and then.

Maybe? $5.45

But as charming as stocking stuffers are, there’s nothing like a go-for-broke, over-the-top present under the tree.

Just fill the ingenious Margarita Mixed Drink Machine with liquor, juice, and mixer and it’ll produce 48 perfectly blended combinations. Hit the “I Feel Lucky” button and get a surprise! $299.00

 

Anybody would feel lucky to get such a wondrous machine, but yes, Virginia, there are still more rarefied objects of desire in the merchandising world. Does Oprah, I wonder, have this unusual item…?

Yes, my fellow inebriates, it’s the world’s strongest beer! Weighing in at 55% alcohol, and with each bottle lovingly nested inside a dead animal (stoat, squirrel, or rabbit), The End of History is “a perfect conceptual marriage between taxidermy, art and craft brewing.”
You know you want it people, and it’s just $765.

What a whirlwind of shopping! It must be so exhausting to be Oprah Winfrey. In fact, I have only enough energy to do it once a year. Cheers, my friends, and may you revel in these luxuries, whether choosing them for a loved one or wishing for them among your own holiday gifts. My fondest hopes go with you on your gift-buying forays.

♦ ♦ ♦

Four more beers

My Fellow Inebriates,

I had no idea how stressed out I was about the American election until it was over. You know what it’s time for now…