My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Aries, you won’t want to get out of bed this week. Your hair is matted with amaretto and coconut milk. Shake it off and take a shower. Better still, head for a public bath and inflict your funk on others. After some heavy-duty scrubbing you’ll be ready to give that work presentation the amaretto was helping you forget. Chill out, it will succeed, and then you’ll be invited to a nice restaurant. Drinks on the corporate card 🙂
Taurus, try to write down your dreams as soon as you wake up. This will be especially challenging, as pomegranate vodka tends to quash REM sleep. Do try though, and add some triple sec to shake your neurons up—it may lead to an exciting invention or piece of art, which in turn will lead to an enchanting flirtation.
Cupid aims right at you on Sunday, Gemini, although the stars like to hedge their bets by saying love/fornication could happen on any of the days preceding or following that blessed day. Vodka will break the ice, but your longterm partner may break your head when he/she sees you mating with someone new. Ouch!
Cancer, over the years your relationships have changed. While some friendships have slipped away, the alcohol-fueled ones are going strong, yet becoming less meaningful. Rather than overanalyze it, throw yourself into a creative project. Sip just enough Bailey’s to retain your presence of mind, especially if power tools are involved. Stop thinking about sleeping with that Aquarius; it’s not worth the hassle.
Leo, you’re usually good at standing up for yourself, but this week people use and abuse you. Could it be that Jose Cuervo compromises your feelings of self-worth? OMG! Seek out positive people who assist you in pursuing self-awareness. Mind your boundaries and tell the neighbor who wants to borrow a cup of sugar to take a hike.
The stars call for dangerous personal interactions this week, Virgo. They say (they say) your marriage or longterm relationship will benefit if you have a fling with a stranger. Keep in mind that the stars are really far away and pretty busy carrying out complex nuclear reactions that convert lighter elements into heavy ones. They don’t know shit about love and sex, and when they tell you to mix stout and cider they have no idea how it will turn out. That shit would evaporate on the surface of a star. It wouldn’t even exist in the first place. Stupid stars.
Libra, your loyalty is challenged this week. Be careful about excessive horniness. If you have a spouse, carefully consider the implications of straying. Maybe you’d do better to avoid temptation and hole up with a 46er of Seagrams 7. If you need to soul-search, find an Aries to talk to, but not one covered in rancid coconut milk and amaretto.
The stars know your life is on an uptick, Scorpio, but they persist in recommending silly drinks. Corona with a shot of rum in it? Sounds gross, but things are going so well for you that…why not? With your positive energy, you’re a magnet for friends right now. Have a party on Saturday and get rid of all that Corona. If you don’t, who knows what the stars will want you to throw in it next week.
Sagittarius, try expressing your feelings this week; it’ll improve your work relationships and help you shake off that nagging worry that there’s a target on your back. Sunday’s your best day; mix this up:
- 2 oz Cointreau
- 2 oz Grand Marnier
- 2 oz vodka
- 2 oz cognac
- 2 oz apricot brandy
Looks like you’ll be calling in sick on Monday; isn’t it great you sorted all your crap out first?
Are you single, Capricorn? This week two suitors will vie for your affection. Go for the one who can handle a daily breakfast pick-me-up of Bailey’s, Frangelico, and Grand Marnier. But don’t feel obligated to make it work. Your flirtatious period starts this Sunday and carries on through January, so you have time to be choosy.
Aquarius, you’ll face a big decision this week involving career, finance, or both. It may have to do with your job sucking. Would you rather go to school? Or would you like another job? Don’t ask your family to weigh in; they’ve been waiting to stage an intervention regarding the pile of whiskey bottles on your lawn. (Class it up with some vermouth and benedictine while you consider your life choices.)
Pisces, this week you decide that money and career are not that important. Given that you have neither, this is a deeply satisfying conclusion. But do think about your living arrangements and sustenance; you need minimal necessities, and your J&B, Crown Royal, and Southern Comfort won’t just come out of the ether.