What to do with the rest of that zombie pig

My two brain cells subscribe to the Big Think newsletter and today they learned that scientists have successfully re-animated the brains of dead pigs. By using heaters, pumps and artificial blood, a scientific team from Yale University managed to restore partial brain function to the brains of more than 100 recently beheaded pigs.

PIg

WTF, man?

My fellow inebriates, I only have partial brain function! These zombie pigs are probably having much more complex thoughts than yours truly. Like: Wait a sec, I was going through this tunnel toward a bright light, and WTF, man, now I’m a brain in a box?

There are probably a bunch of ethical questions we should be asking. For me, the main question is: What should we do with the rest of the pig?

Betty Crocker says we should make Bacon Infused Vodka. All you need is 2 tbsp. bacon fat (zombie or regular), a 375-mL bottle of vodka and a mason jar. Shake it up, let it sit for 6 hours, then freeze. Then use a cheesecloth (I don’t know what that is so I’ll use one of my dad’s socks), and there you have it!

Bacon vodka

Not gross at all. Photo: Betty Crocker

MFI, I hope you’ll try this and tell me all about it. Apparently there are a lot headless pigs out there that you can use, so get busy!

Bah!

My Fellow Inebriates,

The last year at LBHQ has been like a country music song. My blog has deteriorated to a shadow of its former, pester-you-daily self, and our drinking has indeed subsided to the dull roar my parents had threatened it would. About a hundred beanie boos, including a frighteningly large owl, have invaded the house, leaving no quarter for bears. All our household electronics are on the fritz, including the entertainment room projector, and our inability to zone out in front of an action movie has turned my friend Scarybear (being at loose ends) into more of a threat than usual. And to top it off, Facebook deactivated my account because—get this—I’m not real.

Sometimes I stare into space all day; sometimes I collapse into a little crumpled, furry ball.

Which makes Valentine’s Day downright unwelcome, my fellow inebriates. Especially given that my girlfriend Dolly says I may never refer to her as that, even in the past tense. And so, for all my fellow misfits who have no liquor and no snuggles (again), here are a few pictures.

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Grumpy-Cat-Valentines-Day-Meme-1

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valentine sign 3

valentine fail 6

kermit

fail valentine 4

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Yes, Miss V, you can make Jell-O

My Fellow Inebriates,

At least a dozen times a day Miss V asks if we can make Jell-O. My parents, who are lazy, usually say something like “Sure, in a little while,” then wait for her to scamper off on another pursuit. Today, however, I had Miss V’s back. I said, “Hey you f*@%ers, your second-born just asked if you would participate in an activity with her. Damn it, people, she wants to make Jell-O.”

This put matters squarely in Dad’s court. Mum was busy making some sort of banana-type atrocity, but Dad was just hanging out in his PJs. He could certainly make Jell-O!

Now, if you’ve never met Miss V in person, just conjure up a picture of Wednesday Addams, only blonde.

Wednesday

When that asks you to make Jell-O, you make Jell-O. Boil water, Dad!

What makes gelatin so perfect for Halloween is its bizarre composition of random animal parts.

gelatin composition

If Miss V knew, I wonder if she’d eschew Jell-O? Nah.

So what are we making?

I recommend these delicious Halloween Jello Shots I found on Free-N-Fun Halloween.

FNF_Halloween_Candy_Corn_Jello_Shots (1)

Here’s how you do it:

Ingredients

  • 2 large boxes lemon Jell-O
  • 2 large boxes orange Jell-O
  • 1 can whipped cream
  • Vodka
  • Candy corn (for decoration)

Instructions

Prepare lemon Jell-O with 2 cups boiling water, 1 cup cold water and 1 cup vodka .

Divide Jell-O into shot glasses and let chill in fridge for 4 hours.

Prepare orange Jell-O with 2 cups boiling water, 1 cup cold water and 1 cup vodka .

Divide Jell-O into shot glasses on top of the yellow layer and chill again for 4 hours.

Top with whipped cream and candy corn when ready to serve.

My dad, once he’d resigned himself to making Jell-O, said he’d make a different version—a version omitting everything but one package of orange Jell-O.

orange jello

Hell, he even omitted the shot-glass part.

Curse you, Dad!

Here’s my version:

Ingredients

Vodka

Instructions

Drink.