Southern Comfort

ASTROLIQUOR for November 9-15—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, this week looks good for small-time betting. No big gambles, mind you! You wouldn’t want to blow your Christmas alcohol fund. By “small bets” the stars are referring to iffy drink concoctions such as the following:

  • 6 beers
  • 6 shots Irish cream
  • 5 shots amaretto
  • 5 shots Kahlua
  • 1 tbsp vanilla extract (the real stuff, with alcohol)
  • 1 shot Bacardi 151

You need a big jug for this. And a stat holiday the following day.

Taurus, you must resist spending money this week. Your tendency to buy things for the sake of ownership is resulting in hoarder-style furnishings and a pitiful liquor collection. Keep the purse strings tight until February (when you’ll win money). Until then, satisfy your urge to spend by purchasing the following items and sloshing them up together in your favorite vase. Yum!

  • 3 oz tequila
  • 6 oz orange vodka
  • Juice of half a lemon
  • 1/2 cup lemonade
  • 2 cups Sunny D (a weird cocktail in and of itself)

Finance is golden this month, Gemini, with successes in real estate, investment planning, anything legal, and even home redecoration (what about a painting?) on a budget.  Sounds like you’ll need a lot of energy! Luckily the stars are protecting you from the flu—but they’re still recommending that old-fashioned winter-ailment beverage: gingerale. Naturally you’ll need some rye with that.

Cancer, you’ll have trouble doing anything unsupervised this week. Find someone on your wavelength to help you with the basics—someone caring and nonjudgmental who’ll still love you when you’re hugging the toilet. If you can’t find someone like this, well…enjoy your Southern Comfort–cherry brandy bender. (Oh yeah, and the stars say there’s romance in your chart this week, but they have no idea how or when.)

Leo, you’ll suffer a bout of insecurity about your body, but this will pass quickly. Instead of dwelling on negatives, seek out luxuries such as massage/sauna treatments. Hang out with people who have weird physiques. Have a tropical-themed thong party. It’ll give you an excuse to make pina coladas.

If you’ve had a quarrel lately, Virgo, this is a perfect week to resolve it. Be true to yourself, though, or you’ll end up in an unsatisfactory compromise that’ll blow up later. You long to make new friends, especially ones with moustaches. Seek them out in bars and buy them rounds—they like to mix gin with gingerale and bitters.

Libra, a good friend with a get-rich-quick scheme is trying to rope you in. Your pal figures there’s a million bucks out there for the two of you, but so far he/she hasn’t even ponied up for drinks at the pub. Turn your attention to love instead of money; a Pisces, Taurus, or Leo will divert you thrillingly from ill-fated investments. And if they fail to focus you away from the dollar signs, remember—if you invest your money, you’ll never be able to afford these ingredients right now:

  • 4 oz Jack Daniel’s
  • 4 oz Jim Beam
  • 4 oz Southern Comfort
  • Coke to taste (I’m having “none”)

Another crazy weekend lies ahead, Scorpio, and as usual it won’t be over till Tuesday. You’ll return to reality with a hard thump—and a shitload of new work that won’t let up until the next wild weekend. Work hard so you can free yourself up! A lot of money is at stake, which means your liquor supply is under threat. Under siege during your weekends; under threat during the week! Just make sure you at least have some good gin and a reasonable vermouth.

Sagittarius, the stars are hedging their bets again, calling for either a loving relationship or a one-night stand on Saturday. (Stupid stars! How can they expect to maintain their astrological credibility?) You’ll be restless this week, but flexible and alert. Sounds a little too much like sobriety…have you run out of inventory? Even if all you have left is Cointreau or Razzmatazz, do it!

A good friend lets you down this week, Capricorn. Even though this alters your closeness, don’t give up entirely on the relationship. There’s a fair bit of blueberry schnapps and vodka involved in your friend’s lapse—something you can totally relate to. Nevertheless, the whole thing distracts you, leading to work screw-ups and your own vodka bender. If a third party offers to help, accept (especially if they have more vodka).

Aquarius, step up your efforts this week for greater success. Instead of leaning hard on colleagues, negotiate politely; be patient and diplomatic. Yes…this does translate into a dry-out week for you. Only by sobering up will you harness these mature social skills. Side-effect: you’ll notice all kinds of details about your workplace, including that person who has a crush on you. Sometimes plain lemonade’s not so bad.

Pisces, your philosophy that money isn’t important continues to dominate everything you do. This is great, because you still don’t have any money or job prospects. What you do have is a dwindling liquor cabinet…apple liqueur, anyone? Absinthe? But at least you’ll have a happy flirtation on Sunday, which will reaffirm the joys of freedom from a nine-to-five work week.

ASTROLIQUOR for October 5-11—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, your decision to deliver a giant gift basket of Bailey’s and cherry vodka to a gravely ill friend may not be in good taste. Then again, it might net your friend a steady stream of visitors and help with everyone’s bedside manner. Hospitals don’t have to be creepy. And if you sampled from the basket before you arrived, the creepiest thing in the hospital might be you.

Taurus, the stars have chosen you to be Designated Driver this week. This will alter your social pattern considerably. At first it won’t be easy staying sober. It’ll seem weird being alert. Then you’ll look in your wallet and be like, OMG, look at all that money. I was going to spend that on creme de cacao.

Get serious about finances, Gemini, and track this week’s expenses. The stars favor math for you, which means your spreadsheets will add up (at least before Bloody Mary hour). Consider cutting expenditures by 10 percent…ride your bike; put on a sweater instead of the thermostat; go commando so you don’t have to buy underwear. Speaking of this last bit, Friday looks flirty for you.

Cancer, your stars are talking diet and exercise, food logs, and gym memberships. OMG, they’ve got to be joking, with Canadian Thanksgiving coming up. INSTEAD: Pour four parts bourbon, two parts rum, and one part whipping cream over ice. Ahhh! Keep this to yourself (and your money too; lending is star-crossed this week…although if you lend liquor you will get it back—on your carpet).

Leo, let’s get physical this week. Don’t join a gym, though; if it’s like S_e__ N__h F_____s W_r_d all the machines are covered with old gum and the bathroom door has a four-inch hole in it. Try walking instead of driving. You’ll save a ton of gas money, which you can spend on vodka. No lending money while drunk! You’ll never get your cash back.

Vodka, Pernod, Malibu, Tia Maria, and pineapple juice. If you call this “breakfast,” Virgo, it’s no wonder you’re having trouble remembering where you put a particular item. It’s one of those small, useful items that you need occasionally and don’t want to have to buy again—especially since it’ll turn up as soon as you do, and then you’ll have two (or more if these breakfasts are typical). Search everywhere!

Libra, you’ll suffer some minor Long Island Iced Tea–related bruising this week during a sensational party, from which you’ll stagger home and immediately drop a small appliance on your toe. It will break (the appliance, not your toe) because you’ll have read this horoscope and put on steel-toed boots. In some cultures, dropping things is good luck. In your culture, it means you’re pissed.

In happy contrast to last week, Scorpio, strangers feel like friends and friends feel like family. You’ll make valuable contacts, clear up some debt, and enjoy a flirtation. It doesn’t get much better—unless you add equal parts Drambuie, Napoleon, and Parfait Amour to a really killer Scotch over crushed ice with juice to taste (I’m having “none”).

Sagittarius, your thoughts are spacey and futuristic this week. In a hundred years, how many people will populate the earth? Will your descendants colonize Mars? Will doctors be able to grow a new liver for you? On Saturday a friend joins you, and together you invent something that will change the world. OMG, what’s fueling this creativity? Could it be Malibu?

This is a good week to finish projects, Capricorn. Don’t be anxious; there’s no need to compete with colleagues. You can’t, really, with a brainful of Southern Comfort and vermouth; and they like having you that way in the office because it makes them look good. That’s why they don’t rat you out. After a lovely work week you’ll receive good news about a sick friend. (Do I hear a champagne cork?)

Aquarius, not everyone appreciates your directness. You mustn’t transfer your vodka- and rum-infused insecurities onto colleagues, nor should you use words like “asstard” at board meetings. Not only will you hurt people’s feelings; you’ll incite revenge! If you must tank up on Long Islands at work, try to remain very, very quiet.

Pisces, you’re bucking for an unpaid holiday, but it’s not working. No matter how much incompetence you demonstrate at work, you keep getting pats on the back. This would have been awesome a month ago, but now you’re eligible for unemployment, so ratchet up the misbehavior. Is there an annoying coworker you could pick a fight with? If you need fuel, try dumping a case of Bud Light into a vat of pink lemonade. Add 13 gin shots and put your concoction in the lunch room. Voilà! Cardboard-box time for you.

ASTROLIQUOR for September 28 to October 4—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’ve managed to clear up that misunderstanding with your boss, but you still need to keep a low profile. Think odorless flask-fillers such as vodka. Get brownie points wherever you can; you need douchebag coworkers on your side next time there’s a “restructuring.” This weekend you’ll meet a Dutch couple interested in swinging with you. Give it some thought.

Taurus, self-pity has you in its grip. You feel lonely and inferior, neurotic and compulsive. The famous Taurus sweet tooth hits with a vengeance, and you find yourself blending seven scoops of ice cream with chocolate syrup, whipping cream, pecans, and a banana. OMG, Taurus, what are you doing? For goodness sake! Where’s the alcohol in this recipe??

Gemini, shake off the Malibu and take a shower. Getting rid of that stale coconut funk will make you feel more self-confident and attractive—get ready to trawl for new romance! But beware: the stars are calling for a bar fight, triggered by something next-to-insignificant. The stars also think you should read books other than bartending guides. Snobby stars. Like they’ve ever read a book.

You experience a creative uptick, Cancer; music, art, and drama all interest you very much this week, and with your improving financial situation you should indulge this new dilettantism. To avoid mediocrity, purchase a 26er of Jack Daniels. This will keep you out of the artistic “mid-range” and either plunge you into a Hemingway-like nadir or amp you toward a Mozart-style zenith. Or both.

Leo, you labor under the delusion that you need very little sleep. Not so, my drifting-toward-the-center-line reader. You need good ZZZZs, and they need to be well timed so you’ll be 100% sober for the morning commute. Try hitting the bottle immediately after work. If you can be gooned by 8:00 or so, you’ll have enough time to throw up, drink some water and get a good eight hours’ sleep. Don’t believe the stars? Here’s your recipe:

  • 2 oz vodka
  • 2 oz white rum
  • 2 oz melon liqueur
  • 2 oz Southern Comfort
  • Some cranberry juice or whatever

Idealistic notions beset you this week, Virgo. You want to change the world, but first you have to get your own house in order. If you have grudges, confront and forgive the offenders. Have a proper conversation without someone who strikes you as shallow—see if you’re wrong. Get rid of outdated belongings that weigh you down. Buy Goldschlager and stare blissfully at its golden flakes. Ahhhh, enlightenment.

Libra, the stars say stock market this week. If you’ve had your eye on some stock but hesitated, now’s the time to leap. But not while ripped out of your head! You need to watch your investment and know when to get out. You mustn’t, for instance, go large and then have a three week beer-and-rum bender, leaving the Nasdaq to its own devices. On another note, you’ll be annoyed by a Sagittarius this week.

Expect a hot liaison this week, Scorpio. With only one thing on your respective minds, the encounter will be intense. Moreover, it will clear your head, leading to a power week at work. Scorpios are good at flipping the paradigm, and this week you abandon cyber-networking in favor of personal contact. Even if it’s just because you spilled rum all over your keyboard…

Sagittarius, seek out some unusual people this week. Why not invite them over on Saturday? Chances are, if you bring the Tanqueray, they’ll bring the Yukon Jack. Put it in your biggest punch bowl (it will taste a little bit like Pine-Sol) and get to know each other. Regale them with your life story, and maybe they’ll tell you what it’s like to get escorted out of Walmart.

Avoid anything that qualifies as long-term this week, Capricorn. Mortgages, loans, wedding dates—all are jinxed until next week. That “frenemy” of yours is still lurking, waiting to sabotage your plans. Holy crap, this person has been a nuisance lately. Is there no amount of Captain Morgan that can effect a reconciliation?

Aquarius, the stars are calling you to work this week. Yes indeed, you are the Designated Driver, so power back that coffee and be ready to assist all your noodle-headed, drunken friends. You will get vomit on your shoes, in your car, on your couch. You’ll have a horny Libra all over you—hands off, Aquarius, if it’s meant to be it’ll happen after your friend has slept it off. Be an extra-good friend and proffer some aspirin.

Pisces, you probably can’t read this because your computer is f*#%ing up again. It says you should stop trying to fix your own computer and hire an expert. It says that computer viruses and worms invariably come from downloading free porn and that a vodka martini is intriguing when you substitute Irish whisky for the vermouth.