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ASTROLIQUOR for July 12-18—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Expect bad news concerning a friend’s health, Aries. This person used to be active but is flat on his/her ass right now. It’s serious, so you should visit soon. You never know how fast these Kubler-Ross stages can go, but try to arrive during “denial” and before “anger.” Hollow out a pineapple and sneak it into your friend’s hospital room along with white rum, spiced rum, amaretto, and pineapple juice. Be a good friend and speak frankly, and if you feel too sad, go ahead and get drunk.

Taurus, do you have a good friend you’ve been ignoring? Don’t get written off as a douchebag—at least write an email explaining how your brain’s been too saturated with Everclear and Bacardi 151 for you to leave the house. But don’t divulge too much—your friend doesn’t need to know about the three-week old vomit patch in the hallway or the reason your cat runs away from you. Just be friendly and vague.

You’re running on empty, Gemini, so kick back with some white rum and lime. Ignore requests to start new projects, update files, or come into work. Filling your head with rum will give you newfound clarity and leave you open to new experiences. Even reeling around the produce aisle could lead you to a new friend or two. It all starts with the rum.

Mind your spending habits, Cancer, or your finances will be good and f#cked. Write down your expenses to gain some insight into your patterns. This will actually blow your mind, as most of the time you have no idea where the money goes. Just think: with a little financial constraint you’ll be able to afford better tequila, and boy will your tummy ever thank you. Not only that—you’ll attract flirtatious interest from some tire-biting neighbor who thinks you must be rich because you have a nice car. Ha!

Leo, this week features strong, troubling feelings that threaten to get the better of you. But you don’t want to bother friends with these feelings. Suppress them with an awesome Molson/Malibu combo. Not only will you triumph over your emotions; you’ll remember nothing, and if you consume enough, your babbling will be too incoherent to reveal any facts. What do you mean you’ve never combined beer and Malibu? Why wouldn’t you? Two parts to one and you’re gold.

Virgos tend to write a lot of complaint letters without expecting a response. This week someone will write back to you—oh joy! But the more carefully you read the response, the more you realize you’ve been given the bum’s rush. Just be glad you got a reply, Virgo. Your original letter was almost unreadable and soaked in spilt tequila. What were you asking for anyway? Oh yeah, more tequila. And triple sec. But why were you asking your pastor?

Libra, you realize this week that it’s time to get a job. Most of your friends have them, so why not? But you don’t feel ready to actually apply for anything. Quite right. You may wish to stop drinking Zombies for a few days so the words on the wanted ads will stop moving and let you read them. But really, who applies for a job in summer?

This is a happy week for you, Scorpio. The last few weeks you’ve spent event-planning have led to satisfaction and serenity—and this calls for a drink:

  • 3 oz Bacardi 151
  • 1 oz creme de cacao
  • 1 oz cream

Shake everything and pour over ice. Ahhhhh! A structured life can be rewarding.

Sagittarius, you’re getting the urge to break the rules. You find any sort of constraint intolerable this week—even traffic rules. Solution? Park your car and ditch work. Make yourself a weird concoction for breakfast. How about blackberry liqueur with amaretto? Alternatively you could stay sober and have an energetic bike ride or an early-morning yoga class. LOL.

Harmony surrounds you this week, Capricorn. Sure, there are workaday stresses and demands, but these make you feel effective and productive. Meanwhile, friendships are ticking along nicely. Basically everything’s great, but you know how Capricorns are. Things can’t be this good, can they?! Better start examining, overanalyzing, sabotaging. Naturally, alcohol can help. I see you starting in a celebratory mode with champagne and taking it downward from there.

Aquarius, start passing out your business cards; this is a great week to meet new people—especially a Leo. Most of the people you already know are afraid of you because of that apple vodka tantrum from a while back. Only new people from outside your usual circles will be unaware of these types of behaviors. How long can you hang onto your new Leo friend without painting him/her with schnapps-scented barf?

Pisces, take the time to make someone happy this week. Don’t worry; you don’t need to spend money—just post some cat pictures on his/her Facebook page or send a friendly text. Don’t telephone, though! It’s pretty hard to talk coherently with a full bottle of bourbon down the hatch. Either that, or make the call before you crack the bourbon. But 6:00am is pretty early.

ASTROLIQUOR for July 6-12—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

There’s a lot of hubbub around you, Aries. You’re going all neatfreaky, getting your environment just so. Whatever you’re planning, the stars are egging you on, especially if it involves Captain Morgan. Once you have your house shipshape, maybe you’ll feel like having a housewrecker. Invite everyone!

Taurus, staying awake and focused is going to be tough this week. You’re preoccupied with making the perfect martini. Gin or vodka? Lemon or olive? Perhaps some weird martini feature you’d find in a restaurant? If you take this option you may be able to shake off the blahs. Restaurants are full of interesting people. Order a plate of fries, then drink assorted martinis until they cut you off.

Get a handle on your capabilities this week, Gemini, so you don’t make liquor-related errors. You don’t, for instance, want to handle knives for a while. If someone invites you to play Russian Roulette with a real gun, say “no.” In fact, don’t gamble at all—don’t even buy underwear unless you’re absolutely sure it’s your size. But you can drink creme de cacao safely.

This week sucks from the get-go, Cancer, but don’t write it off. By week’s end things will turn around—as long as you listen to your gut. If it says, “Take a flask of applejack brandy to work,” don’t hesitate to do it. Although your workplace will offer up some bitchy conflicts on Monday, by Friday you’ll have mediated them—to the admiration of colleagues and superiors. Pass the flask!

Leo, in the next two weeks you’ll make solid financial decisions that will benefit you for a long time. Don’t vacillate too long; no matter how many pros and cons you can think of, let’s face it, the left brain is a bit of a killjoy. Subdue it with a mix of rum, vodka, and (optional) gingerale. Once your analytical side is safely out of the picture, you can buy things on ebay, send money to deposed Nigerian leaders, and acquire more thongs.

You’re suppressing a lot of rage, Virgo—so effectively that your friends and relatives can’t detect it. But the steam is building up inside you, and if you don’t release it you’ll go apeshit crazy. Consider taking a long nature walk or relaxing at the beach. If those ideas don’t work, make yourself a giant happy drink:

  • 4 oz root beer schnapps
  • 2 oz vanilla schnapps
  • 1 can Coke
  • Whipped cream

You might have to experiment a few times to get it right. After a few batches your friends and relatives will seem much more tolerable (but this won’t be reciprocal).

Libra,  just one glass of wine will change your perspective on everything this week—love, money, friends, work. People will find you more interesting (or so it will seem). You’ll make out with a Taurus. People will laugh and cheer, until you up the ante from wine to champagne. Slowly, they’ll start to think you’re a douche, and by the time you graduate to Everclear with gingerale they’ll have already gone home. OMG!

You’ve got domestic changes happening, Scorpio. Maybe you’re moving; maybe you’re renovating—there sure is a lot of shit in your yard. Try to steer clear of inquisitive neighbors. Even though you’re pretty good at ignoring them, for some reason they’re baiting you this week. It’s none of their business what you do in your yard. Knock that blue raspberry vodka Gatorade back and leave them to their boring breakfast.

Sagittarius, your emotions are highly honed these days. You spent most of your spring reeling around with a headful of tequila, which helped you discover your Third Eye and gave you craploads of insight into who you are and what you really want in life. The next step is to assess your personal and public personae. Which needs more attention? Pour some more tequila and ponder the question.

The stars are talking private finance this week, Capricorn. Could be you’re buying/selling a home, or maybe just consolidating personal debt. Obviously this is stressful as hell and calls for lashings of Grey Goose. As you slog through it, your mental state will improve. You’ll feel more comfortable talking with others about your money situation, especially if they’ll stand you a round of vodka.

Aquarius, if you’ve ever been tempted by the occult, this is your week. You’ve spent years ignoring those tweaky little signs that there’s Something Out There, disavowing the supernatural world in favor of your rational side. Well, there really is some freaky shit out there. Did you know there’s a possessed bear at LBHQ who houses the ghost of my dead Granny? Man, that bear scares the shit out of me. What we need is some Stolichnaya with melon liqueur and triple sec.

Pisces, your memory is usually pretty good, but this week it fails you. Don’t worry—you’re not over the hill and you’re not sick. You’re just pissed all the time on rum. Notice how you lose concentration after half a liter or so. Notice how uninteresting your friends and relatives seem; how everything is in slow-mo. It’s all you, friend! Cut your booze a bit with some mixer.

ASTROLIQUOR for June 29 to July 5—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

With this weekend comes an urge to cook for friends, Aries. Do your prep sober so you avoid poisoning them (again). Once the table’s spread, anything goes, and you have the choice of a Leo or a Capricorn, both amorously beer-goggled. Make sure their “go” signals are really “go” signals. If you must use questionable judgment, mix two shots banana liqueur and one shot vodka into a glass of Chardonnay. Repeat until you negate the danger of being an annoyance. Sleep it off where no one will trip over you.

Taurus, thanks to memory dropouts you forgot that your April spending would catch up to you by late June. Now you face Canada and/or Independence Day with an empty bar. OMG, what can you sell? Hurry, you must have some heirlooms or a stamp collection. Get them up on Craig’s List so you can buy some Jagermeister, rum, and bourbon. Then do what any patriot would do: shake ’em up together and pour into an ice-filled cocktail glass.

You’ve blown all your renovation money on Southern Comfort, Gemini, but you can still buy a couple of small items to brighten your space. Even a can of touch-up paint would help dress up those drunken dents in the wall. Never mind how difficult it is to get Blue Curacao out of the rug! Be cheerful about the little fix-it purchases. When you’re done you can invite friends for another house-wrecker.

If you take somebody out for lunch, Cancer, it might turn into a liquid lunch. Self-discipline is curiously elusive—these days you’re waking up to a sherry/pernod/vermouth mouthwash, and food just absorbs it, allowing you to drink more. Still, a social meal might rekindle an important friendship, especially on Saturday. Keep an eye on this person; pernod goggles are even more powerful than beer goggles. My girlfriend Dolly says she needs a lot of pernod to “keep me in focus.”

Leo, you’re watching a lot of porn without considering real-life relationships. Try not to conflate the two—no one’s really going to deliver you a pizza in a thong. (Well, you might be wearing a thong.) Dating possibilities include a Gemini, a Sagittarius, and a fellow Leo, none of whom will approach you wearing a thong. Try getting to know them. Don’t just liquor them up with banana and peach schnapps. Give the schnapps to any bears you encounter, especially if they’re wearing thongs.

This is the best week in ages for friendship, Virgo, offering the chance to mend old misunderstandings and get back an old drinking buddy. Ask yourself what the conflict was originally about. Can you even remember? Chances are it was insignificant, although it may have involved nudity. Fact is, you don’t remember. You were hammered at the time on vodka, Kahlua, and Guinness—pounded from a 2L Coke bottle.

Libra, concentration comes with great difficulty this week. Your many personal troubles include a brewing identity crisis that may prompt a domino-like tumble of your values. If you’re a carnivore, you may renounce meat. If you’re a vegetarian, you may get naked and start chowing down on another homeless person’s face. Try getting out more often, and if you do get a meat craving, here’s your drink:

  • 5 oz vodka
  • 6 oz beef bouillon
  • 2 tsp lemon juice
  • Tabasco to taste
  • Worcestershire to taste
  • Celery salt to taste

The stars are happy for you this week, Scorpio. The revolving door keeps delivering funny, entertaining visitors bearing drinks, music, and tasty gossip. Day and night they will regale you, but mind an enigmatic-looking Pisces, possibly wearing black. This person is deep. You’ll have conversations you remember forever—unless you get out of hand with the brandy and creme de cacao.

Sagittarius, you’re still under pressure this week, negotiating heavily at work and in your private financial world. You’re unusually assertive and decisive; security personnel leave you alone at airports, and for a change no one tries to put you in handcuffs. Could it be liquid confidence? Who knows what your blood alcohol level is, but if you’re ever going to attempt 10 amaretto shooters, this is the week.

Until mid-August you can expect a charmed life, Capricorn. Friends flock to you, instinctively recognizing the merriment that follows a happy person. Shake some gin up with Red Bull and pour everyone a round. You’re giving them energy, which means they have to entertain you. Enjoy it for now, because one of them might sue you in August.

Aquarius, take stock of your life this week. Honestly ask yourself: have you lost interest in your goals? Perhaps you’ve changed; maybe you’ve matured. Should you redefine your priorities and take a different path? Or are you just too drunk to be on a path at all? With all that Jack Daniel’s in your system, that might be it. Ask yourself in the morning.

Pisces, if you have any important decisions looming, you might want to wait a  while. The stars are being dickish again, serving up lashings of pessimism until August. The stars are so negative about finances and negotiations for July that they insist you hole up with the biggest supply of Malibu and Crown Royal you can muster. Wait out this bad patch on the bathroom floor, clinging to the toilet to stop the room spinning. When August comes, consider going into politics.