My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
There’s a lot of hubbub around you, Aries. You’re going all neatfreaky, getting your environment just so. Whatever you’re planning, the stars are egging you on, especially if it involves Captain Morgan. Once you have your house shipshape, maybe you’ll feel like having a housewrecker. Invite everyone!
Taurus, staying awake and focused is going to be tough this week. You’re preoccupied with making the perfect martini. Gin or vodka? Lemon or olive? Perhaps some weird martini feature you’d find in a restaurant? If you take this option you may be able to shake off the blahs. Restaurants are full of interesting people. Order a plate of fries, then drink assorted martinis until they cut you off.
Get a handle on your capabilities this week, Gemini, so you don’t make liquor-related errors. You don’t, for instance, want to handle knives for a while. If someone invites you to play Russian Roulette with a real gun, say “no.” In fact, don’t gamble at all—don’t even buy underwear unless you’re absolutely sure it’s your size. But you can drink creme de cacao safely.
This week sucks from the get-go, Cancer, but don’t write it off. By week’s end things will turn around—as long as you listen to your gut. If it says, “Take a flask of applejack brandy to work,” don’t hesitate to do it. Although your workplace will offer up some bitchy conflicts on Monday, by Friday you’ll have mediated them—to the admiration of colleagues and superiors. Pass the flask!
Leo, in the next two weeks you’ll make solid financial decisions that will benefit you for a long time. Don’t vacillate too long; no matter how many pros and cons you can think of, let’s face it, the left brain is a bit of a killjoy. Subdue it with a mix of rum, vodka, and (optional) gingerale. Once your analytical side is safely out of the picture, you can buy things on ebay, send money to deposed Nigerian leaders, and acquire more thongs.
You’re suppressing a lot of rage, Virgo—so effectively that your friends and relatives can’t detect it. But the steam is building up inside you, and if you don’t release it you’ll go apeshit crazy. Consider taking a long nature walk or relaxing at the beach. If those ideas don’t work, make yourself a giant happy drink:
- 4 oz root beer schnapps
- 2 oz vanilla schnapps
- 1 can Coke
- Whipped cream
You might have to experiment a few times to get it right. After a few batches your friends and relatives will seem much more tolerable (but this won’t be reciprocal).
Libra, just one glass of wine will change your perspective on everything this week—love, money, friends, work. People will find you more interesting (or so it will seem). You’ll make out with a Taurus. People will laugh and cheer, until you up the ante from wine to champagne. Slowly, they’ll start to think you’re a douche, and by the time you graduate to Everclear with gingerale they’ll have already gone home. OMG!
You’ve got domestic changes happening, Scorpio. Maybe you’re moving; maybe you’re renovating—there sure is a lot of shit in your yard. Try to steer clear of inquisitive neighbors. Even though you’re pretty good at ignoring them, for some reason they’re baiting you this week. It’s none of their business what you do in your yard. Knock that blue raspberry vodka Gatorade back and leave them to their boring breakfast.
Sagittarius, your emotions are highly honed these days. You spent most of your spring reeling around with a headful of tequila, which helped you discover your Third Eye and gave you craploads of insight into who you are and what you really want in life. The next step is to assess your personal and public personae. Which needs more attention? Pour some more tequila and ponder the question.
The stars are talking private finance this week, Capricorn. Could be you’re buying/selling a home, or maybe just consolidating personal debt. Obviously this is stressful as hell and calls for lashings of Grey Goose. As you slog through it, your mental state will improve. You’ll feel more comfortable talking with others about your money situation, especially if they’ll stand you a round of vodka.
Aquarius, if you’ve ever been tempted by the occult, this is your week. You’ve spent years ignoring those tweaky little signs that there’s Something Out There, disavowing the supernatural world in favor of your rational side. Well, there really is some freaky shit out there. Did you know there’s a possessed bear at LBHQ who houses the ghost of my dead Granny? Man, that bear scares the shit out of me. What we need is some Stolichnaya with melon liqueur and triple sec.
Pisces, your memory is usually pretty good, but this week it fails you. Don’t worry—you’re not over the hill and you’re not sick. You’re just pissed all the time on rum. Notice how you lose concentration after half a liter or so. Notice how uninteresting your friends and relatives seem; how everything is in slow-mo. It’s all you, friend! Cut your booze a bit with some mixer.