ASTROLIQUOR for May 3-6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

I won’t be able to sleep if the horoscope is late one more time. Just thinking of you all embarking on your weekends without astrological booze guidance…OMG.

Aries, whatever your ride happens to be, it will need repairs this week. What better reason to fill up on vodka? You’ll be safely out of traffic, so go ahead. Don’t be surprised if none of your emails make sense while you’re pickled, though. You will probably miss an important one from a distant relative with some surprising news, which you’ll read in a drunken haze and not remember. You’ll also pick somebody up on Sunday and not remember that either.

Taurus, get into vacation-planning mode. If you research carefully, you’ll find something cozy and romantic—without blowing your booze budget. Although finances continue to be tight, you can’t afford to put your holiday off; you are a good candidate to go postal. Find a way to calm down before your trip. Cinnamon schnapps tossed into a pint of cider?

Gemini, chores are calling out to you but you’re fantastic at ignoring them. By the end of the week every piece of furniture in your house will be festooned with dirty underwear and dark…brown stains…which are actually chocolate, because this is the week you learn how to make pudding shots. Here’s how you do it:

  • 1 package Jell-O chocolate pudding
  • 3/4 cup milk
  • 1/2 cup Kahlua
  • 1/2 cup Bailey’s
  • 1/2 cup Jose Cuervo
  • 1/4 cup vodka
  • 2 cups frozen fake whipped topping

Mix all the liquids and fold in the fake whipped topping. Whisk it up and freeze in little containers (like the ones you put crackers in for the kids’ lunches). Be careful, these cause stains.

Cancer, your persecution complex will intensify this week despite good weather and plenty of supportive friends. One of the root causes is your lack of money. You enjoy spending generously and it kills you that you can’t invite the whole neighborhood over when you mix up a vat of Malibu and Captain Morgan mango rum. Hang in there; you’ll receive a bonus in June. The liquor store staff will be pleased to see you again.

Leo, you are very fortunate but sometimes you can’t see it. Pay attention to others this week and you’ll see how comparatively well-off you are. And while you’re watching these other people, one of them will catch your interest. This will develop into a sordid but lukewarm adventure involving a cocktail known as Rooster Piss. (Stock up on Jack Daniel’s and cinnamon schnapps.)

Virgo, you’re good at finishing projects you set out to do, and this week you’ll tie off many loose ends, impressing your family and colleagues. You’ll even attract romantic interest on Sunday, making this just about your most successful week of 2013. You deserve to get hammered. Equal parts Firewater, Wild Turkey, and Southern Comfort for you. Yeah!

Libra, you’ll have a bar fight with an Aries this week. Luckily it will peter out quickly, leaving you both to reel off in search of another bar, and, finding only one, sitting down together there and bonding. How touching, Libra—don’t you wish all your brawls were so socially productive? Dare your new friend to try a nasty shot: peach schnapps, milk, and grenadine.

Relax this week, Scorpio. If you chill out for a while, you’ll be able to prioritize tasks better and even blow some of them off. No work this weekend, say the stars—in fact, tack Monday on and make it a three-day rest. Find some friends and start pouring creme de menthe with vodka. Before bedtime, this drink is a plausible substitute for brushing your teeth (take the weekend off that too).

Sagittarius, solid foods are overrated, and the stars feel you should divert some grocery money to alcohol. Is your bar equipped with rum and tequila? Stock it up with essentials and take a pass on food. When you bow to the porcelain altar later, you’ll appreciate the lack of chunks. Sunday’s the best day for your love life.

Even though you’re looking and listening, Capricorn, you’re not processing what you see and hear. Don’t beat yourself up—this is inevitable with a headful of Midori Melon, sloe gin, Absolut, Southern Comfort, and Chambord. You may not be able to take notes on a lecture, but you sure know how to mix a drink. And let’s face it, that’s what matters.

Aquarius, you are exceptionally influential this week. Colleagues willingly become your lackeys, and you won’t hear one dissenting voice at work. It’s as though your eyes are spirals… This is a powerful way to operate, and it will last as long as you hang on to some sobriety. As soon as you mix that lovely combination of vodka, amaretto, and butterscotch schnapps in a cocktail shaker with ice, your will to dominate will disappear. Hmmm. Have you mixed it yet?

Someone is watching you, Pisces, but your neurons are marinating in vanilla schnapps; you don’t even notice this interesting new person. You do get the sense that you are being stalked, however—above and beyond your usual levels of paranoia. Try to sober up a bit and pay attention. Your admirer, a Capricorn, is just as permanently drunk as you. Unless you trip over each other, you’ll continue like two ships in the night. Two freaking wasted ships.

ASTROLIQUOR for July 6-12—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

There’s a lot of hubbub around you, Aries. You’re going all neatfreaky, getting your environment just so. Whatever you’re planning, the stars are egging you on, especially if it involves Captain Morgan. Once you have your house shipshape, maybe you’ll feel like having a housewrecker. Invite everyone!

Taurus, staying awake and focused is going to be tough this week. You’re preoccupied with making the perfect martini. Gin or vodka? Lemon or olive? Perhaps some weird martini feature you’d find in a restaurant? If you take this option you may be able to shake off the blahs. Restaurants are full of interesting people. Order a plate of fries, then drink assorted martinis until they cut you off.

Get a handle on your capabilities this week, Gemini, so you don’t make liquor-related errors. You don’t, for instance, want to handle knives for a while. If someone invites you to play Russian Roulette with a real gun, say “no.” In fact, don’t gamble at all—don’t even buy underwear unless you’re absolutely sure it’s your size. But you can drink creme de cacao safely.

This week sucks from the get-go, Cancer, but don’t write it off. By week’s end things will turn around—as long as you listen to your gut. If it says, “Take a flask of applejack brandy to work,” don’t hesitate to do it. Although your workplace will offer up some bitchy conflicts on Monday, by Friday you’ll have mediated them—to the admiration of colleagues and superiors. Pass the flask!

Leo, in the next two weeks you’ll make solid financial decisions that will benefit you for a long time. Don’t vacillate too long; no matter how many pros and cons you can think of, let’s face it, the left brain is a bit of a killjoy. Subdue it with a mix of rum, vodka, and (optional) gingerale. Once your analytical side is safely out of the picture, you can buy things on ebay, send money to deposed Nigerian leaders, and acquire more thongs.

You’re suppressing a lot of rage, Virgo—so effectively that your friends and relatives can’t detect it. But the steam is building up inside you, and if you don’t release it you’ll go apeshit crazy. Consider taking a long nature walk or relaxing at the beach. If those ideas don’t work, make yourself a giant happy drink:

  • 4 oz root beer schnapps
  • 2 oz vanilla schnapps
  • 1 can Coke
  • Whipped cream

You might have to experiment a few times to get it right. After a few batches your friends and relatives will seem much more tolerable (but this won’t be reciprocal).

Libra,  just one glass of wine will change your perspective on everything this week—love, money, friends, work. People will find you more interesting (or so it will seem). You’ll make out with a Taurus. People will laugh and cheer, until you up the ante from wine to champagne. Slowly, they’ll start to think you’re a douche, and by the time you graduate to Everclear with gingerale they’ll have already gone home. OMG!

You’ve got domestic changes happening, Scorpio. Maybe you’re moving; maybe you’re renovating—there sure is a lot of shit in your yard. Try to steer clear of inquisitive neighbors. Even though you’re pretty good at ignoring them, for some reason they’re baiting you this week. It’s none of their business what you do in your yard. Knock that blue raspberry vodka Gatorade back and leave them to their boring breakfast.

Sagittarius, your emotions are highly honed these days. You spent most of your spring reeling around with a headful of tequila, which helped you discover your Third Eye and gave you craploads of insight into who you are and what you really want in life. The next step is to assess your personal and public personae. Which needs more attention? Pour some more tequila and ponder the question.

The stars are talking private finance this week, Capricorn. Could be you’re buying/selling a home, or maybe just consolidating personal debt. Obviously this is stressful as hell and calls for lashings of Grey Goose. As you slog through it, your mental state will improve. You’ll feel more comfortable talking with others about your money situation, especially if they’ll stand you a round of vodka.

Aquarius, if you’ve ever been tempted by the occult, this is your week. You’ve spent years ignoring those tweaky little signs that there’s Something Out There, disavowing the supernatural world in favor of your rational side. Well, there really is some freaky shit out there. Did you know there’s a possessed bear at LBHQ who houses the ghost of my dead Granny? Man, that bear scares the shit out of me. What we need is some Stolichnaya with melon liqueur and triple sec.

Pisces, your memory is usually pretty good, but this week it fails you. Don’t worry—you’re not over the hill and you’re not sick. You’re just pissed all the time on rum. Notice how you lose concentration after half a liter or so. Notice how uninteresting your friends and relatives seem; how everything is in slow-mo. It’s all you, friend! Cut your booze a bit with some mixer.