My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Expect bad news concerning a friend’s health, Aries. This person used to be active but is flat on his/her ass right now. It’s serious, so you should visit soon. You never know how fast these Kubler-Ross stages can go, but try to arrive during “denial” and before “anger.” Hollow out a pineapple and sneak it into your friend’s hospital room along with white rum, spiced rum, amaretto, and pineapple juice. Be a good friend and speak frankly, and if you feel too sad, go ahead and get drunk.
Taurus, do you have a good friend you’ve been ignoring? Don’t get written off as a douchebag—at least write an email explaining how your brain’s been too saturated with Everclear and Bacardi 151 for you to leave the house. But don’t divulge too much—your friend doesn’t need to know about the three-week old vomit patch in the hallway or the reason your cat runs away from you. Just be friendly and vague.
You’re running on empty, Gemini, so kick back with some white rum and lime. Ignore requests to start new projects, update files, or come into work. Filling your head with rum will give you newfound clarity and leave you open to new experiences. Even reeling around the produce aisle could lead you to a new friend or two. It all starts with the rum.
Mind your spending habits, Cancer, or your finances will be good and f#cked. Write down your expenses to gain some insight into your patterns. This will actually blow your mind, as most of the time you have no idea where the money goes. Just think: with a little financial constraint you’ll be able to afford better tequila, and boy will your tummy ever thank you. Not only that—you’ll attract flirtatious interest from some tire-biting neighbor who thinks you must be rich because you have a nice car. Ha!
Leo, this week features strong, troubling feelings that threaten to get the better of you. But you don’t want to bother friends with these feelings. Suppress them with an awesome Molson/Malibu combo. Not only will you triumph over your emotions; you’ll remember nothing, and if you consume enough, your babbling will be too incoherent to reveal any facts. What do you mean you’ve never combined beer and Malibu? Why wouldn’t you? Two parts to one and you’re gold.
Virgos tend to write a lot of complaint letters without expecting a response. This week someone will write back to you—oh joy! But the more carefully you read the response, the more you realize you’ve been given the bum’s rush. Just be glad you got a reply, Virgo. Your original letter was almost unreadable and soaked in spilt tequila. What were you asking for anyway? Oh yeah, more tequila. And triple sec. But why were you asking your pastor?
Libra, you realize this week that it’s time to get a job. Most of your friends have them, so why not? But you don’t feel ready to actually apply for anything. Quite right. You may wish to stop drinking Zombies for a few days so the words on the wanted ads will stop moving and let you read them. But really, who applies for a job in summer?
This is a happy week for you, Scorpio. The last few weeks you’ve spent event-planning have led to satisfaction and serenity—and this calls for a drink:
- 3 oz Bacardi 151
- 1 oz creme de cacao
- 1 oz cream
Shake everything and pour over ice. Ahhhhh! A structured life can be rewarding.
Sagittarius, you’re getting the urge to break the rules. You find any sort of constraint intolerable this week—even traffic rules. Solution? Park your car and ditch work. Make yourself a weird concoction for breakfast. How about blackberry liqueur with amaretto? Alternatively you could stay sober and have an energetic bike ride or an early-morning yoga class. LOL.
Harmony surrounds you this week, Capricorn. Sure, there are workaday stresses and demands, but these make you feel effective and productive. Meanwhile, friendships are ticking along nicely. Basically everything’s great, but you know how Capricorns are. Things can’t be this good, can they?! Better start examining, overanalyzing, sabotaging. Naturally, alcohol can help. I see you starting in a celebratory mode with champagne and taking it downward from there.
Aquarius, start passing out your business cards; this is a great week to meet new people—especially a Leo. Most of the people you already know are afraid of you because of that apple vodka tantrum from a while back. Only new people from outside your usual circles will be unaware of these types of behaviors. How long can you hang onto your new Leo friend without painting him/her with schnapps-scented barf?
Pisces, take the time to make someone happy this week. Don’t worry; you don’t need to spend money—just post some cat pictures on his/her Facebook page or send a friendly text. Don’t telephone, though! It’s pretty hard to talk coherently with a full bottle of bourbon down the hatch. Either that, or make the call before you crack the bourbon. But 6:00am is pretty early.