I’m not an oven mitt—just a douchebag

My Fellow Inebriates,

How embarrassed I was when the Executive Assistant from Best Brands, the company that manufactures the Cuisinart Puppet Mitt with Silicone Grip, contacted me to offer a “care package.” You see, I’d dropped a number of F-bombs in the original complaint letter—mainly because I was in a frantic state of sobriety when I wrote it, beset by a paranoid fixation on the idea that my mother might (having rejected the Puppet Mitt) reach for me as an oven mitt. I don’t know if any of you have ever had a fear like this, MFI, but mine was so extreme that it spawned a letter so nasty that I certainly didn’t expect a response—much less one from Head Office, exuding professionalism at every syllable. Yes indeed, I felt very embarrassed when it popped up in my Gmail.

Cuisinart reply from LG to LB

I did my best to apologize for my letter and pin as much of it on my parents as I could. After all, I need their human dexterity to type (and open bottles, etc.).

Cuisinart reply from LB to LG

And the next day Ms Goldberg sent me a tracking number for the coming swag. I feel like such a douche.

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11 responses to “I’m not an oven mitt—just a douchebag”

  1. Oliver Gray says :

    Yep, officially peed my pants at the office.

    Thanks a lot, LSB.

  2. Indra Anderson says :

    You had a valid complaint. You deserved a response.

    Can’t wait to see what’s sent!

  3. bionicnanapat says :

    Love it! A head office with humour is a rare thing.

    • liquorstorebear says :

      I’m still embarrassed! I NEVER thought anyone would dignify that letter, and now I do feel like a jerk. Especially since I had to go and LOOK to see what color the kitchen is.

  4. Rachael C. Black says :

    My sides hurt from laughing! The sentence beginning with ‘my parents are such oblivious people…’ and the comment about the G and T were priceless.
    xo

  5. The Waiting says :

    Maybe if I complain to your parents they’ll mail you to me in a care package.

  6. Ed (The Dogs of Beer) says :

    BAH! Hysterical. Can’t wait to hear what you got!

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