ASTROLIQUOR for April 19–25—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, someone close to you is having a birthday soon—don’t forget! Seriously, you’ve been having some badass memory blackouts, so put the date in your phone or something. Buy a nice present and show up sober. You guessed it—you’re the zodiac’s Designated Driver this week. Yay, you! The stars know you totally hate having this honor, but somebody’s got to do it. Pour yourself some chocolate milk.

Taurus, you can’t escape the weight of responsibility this week. You’ve been procrastinating for days, and there’s a big pile of work waiting for you. Think of ways to cut corners and get it done fast. But hold off on the Kahlua until you finish; it’s genuinely difficult to do a project when you’re shitfaced. Reward yourself afterwards with a drink. The stars wonder if you are sore from masturbating so much.

Gemini, you seem sure of yourself but it is all an act. Feel free to keep it up this week; people like you better when you’re pretending to be someone else. You’ll attract a Capricorn on Tuesday or Wednesday. This person is very fond of thongs, and also enjoys brandy with lime juice, bitters, and club soda. Stock up your bar and your underwear drawer.

Cancer, you may anticipate an easy week, but you’re dreaming. You’ll run out of money and spend the weekend consoling yourself by draining your liquor cabinet—say goodbye to your stockpile of Maker’s Mark and Grand Marnier. When the hell did you buy artichoke liqueur? Oh well, it’s gone now. Pick yourself up on Saturday and go somewhere. Don’t worry; you’ll meet someone nice.

Leo, you’re conflicted about relationships. Fact is, you don’t know what you want: a fling? or something serious? And the dilemma won’t get resolved this week. In fact, it will bother you until at least July, when you’ll discover how excellent gin is for quelling this sort of ambivalence. Mix it up (a lot of it) with some Forbidden Fruit liqueur and you won’t care about relationships at all.

You need a martini, Virgo, or you won’t be able to stop worrying about a certain purchase you made recently. That thing you bought doesn’t really work properly, but you’re too embarrassed to return it to the store. Hell, it was embarrassing enough buying it in the first place. Nor do you know anyone who’d want such an item, or admit to wanting it, or admit to wanting it and still want it after you’ve used it. Nah, you’ll have to attempt a return to the store. Get drunk first and stagger over there (on foot of course).

Libra, be careful about contracts this week; someone wants to take advantage of you financially. If you must sign something, read the small print carefully (while not pie-eyed on Sambuca and Bailey’s, okay?) and sign only when you’re sure you understand everything. Get lots of sleep before any meetings. Yeah, I know, it doesn’t sound like you’ll be pounding too many of those shooters this week. (Sigh.)

You have no interesting in maintaining relationships of no benefit to you, Scorpio. This is a position of strength—take no crap from anyone! You are a nice person who deserves the best. Right now you can’t decide whether you hate people or love them. Do you want to hole up by yourself or dance naked on a table? This is the sort of decision best left up to tequila.

Sagittarius, you’ll experience some hallucinations this week, both auditory and visual. Try to get some friends to corroborate what you’re experiencing. If you’re seeing weird shit, it might be because the weird shit is really there. Nevertheless, try to keep your head somewhat clear—nothing stronger than Guinness for you. Oh yeah, and don’t let anybody drive you anywhere. When you’re hallucinating, the bus is much more fun.

Somebody has a crush on you, Capricorn, a crush that will be revealed most awkwardly and inopportunely. You’ll be surprised this person feels so strongly about you; you’ve never really liked him/her and now the raw truth is before you (and probably all your colleagues and your spouse too). The best bromide for an awkward moment is gin—six ounces or so.

Aquarius, you’re on a roll socially, so you can get away with being drunk for the whole week. You feel lucky to be you and to have so many good friends and such relative wealth. Every single day someone will hit on you. You are indeed the envy of the zodiac. Take your joy to the next level with lashings of Everclear and Captain Morgan.

Pisces, while cleaning out your closets you’ll find an old photograph of someone you once cared deeply for. You’ll end up sitting among the cobwebs sobbing for your lost relationship, not to mention your lost youth. OMG, Pisces, does every week have to be pathetic? Come on, you need a happy drink:

  • 3 oz white rum
  • 1/2 oz creme de bananes
  • A whole bunch of difference juices (totally optional, especially given your state of mind)
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ASTROLIQUOR for January 4-10 (2013!)—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, someone—probably a Cancer—will move away without telling you. You’ll clue in after they’ve gone, then spend a week halfheartedly stalking them on the Internet. Thing is, your life is better with this person out of it. Work’s more productive, and even when it’s not, your Alt/Tab reflexes are at their best. Forget about that Cancer! Here’s how: Find four kinds of schnapps and mix them in equal parts, then match what you’ve got with tequila. Oblivion!

Taurus, your memory dropouts will come back to haunt you this week when an old friend reappears—and you can’t remember who the hell the person is. Do your best to recall; this is an interesting friend who can help you professionally. I see you two staying up all night drinking Red Bull with raspberry vodka—all before you have a clue what this person’s name is. Good times.

You have a nutty way of looking at the world, Gemini, and much of the time people don’t “get” you. This week, however, the stars forecast understanding and communication, so do whatever you want; no one will judge you. On Saturday you’ll party with an elderly person. Make sure you telephone later; this person doesn’t have Internet (OMG!). Here’s your party mix:

  • 3 oz rum
  • 3 oz chocolate liqueur
  • 3 oz Irish cream
  • 1 oz milk

Cancer, don’t grumble about your misfortunes. Load up on peach schnapps and confront the person causing them. Guaranteed it’s a Capricorn or a Virgo. If you think this will end badly, you may be surprised. This person has wisdom you don’t even know about. Saturday’s the best day to pick up another Cancer. Try the Walmart section where they sell mesh underwear bags.

Leo, there’s a Pisces you’d love to get naked with, but only if they’ll promise not to talk. Not a good start, but if your junk has its way you’ll end up pursuing this not-very-satisfying relationship. Distract yourself with professional activities. This should remove you from temptation, unless of course you’re in the world’s oldest profession. Your drink?

  • 2 oz vodka
  • 1 oz creme de noyaux
  • 1 oz cherry brandy
  • Cream to taste (I say none)

Virgo, you get the urge to take on extra work, but be careful. Your douchebag colleagues are only too glad to offload their projects. Only do what really interests you. Fact is, you don’t really have to work at all. On Monday you’ll probably win the lottery, and then you can tell everybody to shove it. That’s the day you arrive in a Ferrari and a Starbucks laced with 80-proof rum. You deserve it, you hard worker.

Libra, you’ll replace some of your boring friends with new people this week. As a Libra you won’t feel fickle for doing this; the stars ordain that you should jettison old friends for fascinating new ones. The result will be scintillating conversations and financial opportunities, mondo creativity, and the worst freaking hangover you ever endured. That’s what happens when fascinating new people fill your bathtub with blackberry schnapps and creme de cacao.

Are you feeling gloomy, Scorpio? The stars call for happy orange drinks with lashings of Grand Marnier and orange Curacao. Get sufficiently lit up on this sunny combo and take a beachside walk. You’ll meet a nudist enjoying the bracing January day, and the two of you will enjoy a unique romance throughout January and February.

Sagittarius, you don’t like asking for help, although you often take advantage of family members. This week you’ll need to muster the courage to seek help from a colleague—a nasty bugger who’s always nitpicking your work and busting you for being on Facebook. Loosen this dickhead up with a flask of vodka and Jagermeister—or better yet, save it for yourself.

You’ve grown emotionally, Capricorn, and this ramps up your social appeal. Which will you choose to get naked with—Virgo or Scorpio? And if that’s not the sign of your existing partner, get ready for some turbulence, ’cause the stars say you’re doing this thing. No doubt gin martinis will play a role, but don’t have too many. You need to get up early to visit garage sales. There’s a priceless antique waiting for you to find it.

Aquarius, you feel happy and clever, having solved a challenging intellectual problem. What a brainiac! In fact, you might have too many brain cells. Give them some rum. Once you dumb yourself down you’ll have a vapid flirtation with a neighbor following a ridiculous conversation about lawn fertilizer. Your brain cells will be terribly conflicted, but your naughty bits will like it.

Pisces, there are all sorts of hidden meanings in your mail. Read it carefully! Add up the vowels and consonants; see if there’s a code. You know this isn’t paranoid; there are people out there (mostly Cancers) dedicated to messing with your head. Don’t worry, though, most of them are harmless. The other ones you can invite over for an Everclear party. They need Everclear because it can stop their synapses from making wacky connections between random bits of information. Remember to go outside at least once this week.

ASTROLIQUOR for December 7-13—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’ll have unexpected expenses this week and through the New Year, so stay away from expensive artisanal gin and find yourself some rotgut. You’ll make hotel reservations, only to have them fall through when you reach your (expensive) destination. Hope it’s a warm area of the world; you might be bedding down in cardboard. This could be good for your love life.

Taurus, you feel introverted, causing your friends to wonder what’s wrong with you. The world is heavily skewed toward extroverts, and we can’t all be naked-dancing-lampshade-wearing-Mike’s-hard-lemonade-swilling entertainers, so just own your need for a little quiet and privacy this week. Any friends who can’t respect it are dildos.

When you mix lager and stout in the same glass, Gemini, you feel empowered to do whatever the hell else you want to do too. Moreover, you get the sense that everyone admires you and would like to mate with you. In psychiatric parlance this is called narcissism, and many Geminis enjoy it. The important thing is that you radiate positive energy. You emit  bright sunbeams, even if you think they’re shining out of your shorts.

Cancer, new people enter your life this week—a good thing, since you burned a few bridges in November. You may end up traveling with your new friends and learning about new societies and cultures. You may start drinking Yellow Chartreuse with cognac. All this will be very expensive, but don’t worry about the bruises on your credit card; you’ll win the lottery later in the week.

Leo, you don’t feel like working this week. Instead you’ll fantasize heavily about future plans, watch a lot of porn, and hit on strangers. In other words, this will be a fun week, but it will come back to haunt you in February, depending how many people you piss off. Still, it is in the stars, so you can’t exactly elect not to misbehave. Champagne for you.

Staying home alone may appeal to you, Virgo, but it will actually end up sucking, especially since you’ll miss out on meeting someone special. Not only that—if you mix with other people, someone might offer you a job. However, if it’s not a job but a “lucrative business partnership,” run! The last thing you need is to get financially reamed before the holidays. You need money for vodka, rum, brandy, and amaretto.

Libra, responsibility is the last thing on your mind. Your life has been very mundane lately, and you’re itching to go berserk. Will you make it until New Year without shaking up a 4-L jug of creme de menthe, Frangelico, and vodka? If you restrain yourself, you’ll become very moody at work…. Best to work drunk and happy. Your colleagues like you better that way, and so do you.

What a boring week lies ahead, Scorpio. It’s like you’re in a little pocket of weak celestial influence. You’ll get restless on Wednesday and mix this:

  • 5 oz rum
  • 5 oz pear liqueur
  • 5 oz orange juice
  • 5 oz pineapple juice

You may wish to hollow out a pineapple or a coconut and adorn this amazing drink with umbrellas and whatever weird things you can find. Consuming it should take care of Thursday (who does anything on Thursday anyway), and then on Friday you’ll need to explain some kind of accounting slip-up at work that’s concatenated throughout your department. Rum is really the worst spirit for doing math.

Sagittarius, you’re getting excited about your birthday. Even if it’s already happened, you may feel you didn’t get enough gifts. Why not make yourself a calendar featuring nude pictures of yourself? It will be an interesting conversation piece for a whole year, and you’ll still have money left over for Sailor Jerry. Make sure you go grocery shopping every day if you want to have a hook-up this week.

Your popularity continues, Capricorn. Go with it—an evening with friends will boost your spirits. Make it an inexpensive one, though; find a cheap dive and drink the house beer. This way you can restock your liquor inventory (Frangelico, Haagen Dazs cream liqueur, Grand Marnier, and Kahlua—yes, you need these). Make sure you don’t go to any musicals. No handling livestock either.

Aquarius, you have to fight for your rights this week. The battleground is information. Be suspicious of everyone. If you think you’re being surveilled, it’s because you are. When it comes to drinks, think odorless and colorless. Despite your current vodka-fueled paranoia, you’ll look back at the week with a sense of accomplishment. Except for the part where you bump into an old friend who defrauds you in a get-rich-quick scheme.

Pisces, you need liberty this week. Off with those confining clothes; it’s time to run around in a thong. Surprisingly, your friends won’t interfere. Be thankful for them, but keep things platonic; the stars call nix on any sort of rutting or matting. Turn your tongue and internal organs blue-purple with some blackberry schnapps.