My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Aries, you’ll have to toil this week to overcome your workplace image as a gin-soaked barbarian. Try on some business-speak. If coworkers don’t laugh, go with it. The less comprehensible you are, the more success you’ll enjoy. Naturally, alcohol will help with this. Change up your flask with some peach brandy. BTW, don’t go into the supply closet with Virgos or Libras.
Taurus, the stars advise you to air your opinions openly. Nobody can stand a douchebag who mentions after the fact that they knew something all along but were too polite to say so. Don’t be a douche! You have far too much Pisco sloshing around your head to think about diplomacy or tact. Friends, family, and colleagues will thank you for your honesty.
Someone is attempting to control you, Gemini. Wish them luck; you are far too elusive to be trapped in someone else’s plans. Meanwhile your workplace has turned into a circus. With the holidays mere weeks away you can’t even feign a work ethic, so you might as well pack the Absolut Kurant in your briefcase.
Cancer, your insight is growing about work, relationships, and finance. You’re realizing what you excel at, and what you suck at. You’re seeing the interplay of various players in all spheres of life—and getting ready to play them off each other. Sounds devious. You’ll need large quantities of tequila.
Leo, you may feel busy, but you’re actually doing a lot of dog-f#cking. Be careful; you are in an important creative life phase, and you’ll never recoup the time you waste. Yes, the stars are saying you should act like a grown-up. For this and many other reasons, you should probably not mix this up:
- 2 cups red wine
- 2 cups Coke
- 2 cups orange juice
- Multiple shots of peach schnapps
Romantic feelings threaten to get the better of you, Virgo, as the object does not share them. Shift your focus elsewhere, stalker! And don’t even think about venting your pent-up frustration on a third party. Good grief, that’s what Irish whisky is for: burying nuisance emotions. Add some interest with a splash of Irish Mist and some porn.
Libra, you’ll experience a creative spurt along with some general horniness. Together these will distract you from everyday life, turning your workplace productivity into a widely shared joke while sending you off on all kinds of personal ass-seeking tangents. All very tiring, Libra, so you’ll need some brisk, citrus refreshment:
- 5 oz citrus liqueur
- Juice of three lemons
- 1 oz triple sec
- 1 oz raspberry liqueur
You should probably enjoy this after work, but since you’re struggling to get anything done there, it’s your call.
You have a boner for mysteries, Scorpio, as well as speculations about higher planes and the universe’s secrets. This is an excellent week for plunging into the paranormal. If you wanted to investigate haunted bears, for instance, I could certainly send you one. When the occult gets boring, it’s time to scope out potential partners for some quick intimacy. (Saturday looks best.) The stars say (bitchily) not to be picky, but they are just idiotic balls of exploding gas. Be very picky. You deserve the best. Start every morning with one of these:
- 1 oz Irish (or Canadian) cream
- 1 oz Malibu
- 1 oz whisky
Sagittarius, the small things are making you happy this week: glinting sunlight, your morning java, the sound of birdsong. This is creeping some of your friends out. They are used to the more manic you—the one whose mood hinges on the level of bourbon in your bloodstream. Ignore these detractors for the time being. When you get bored with nature you can always go back to them.
The stars promise a power week, Capricorn. How awesome! Push yourself to the limits mentally and physically. Rev up your stress levels by leaving late for all engagements. Stay up late every night, then go apeshit at the bar on Saturday. I see you reeling around with some cheap Canadian whisky. Yeah!
Aquarius, pay lots of attention to a sick friend this week. Vodka and Red Bull never eventuate in good health, and chances are the combo was your idea. Assuage your guilt, then attend to your workplace situation. You are being watched—surveilled, really— by coworkers with bad intentions. Oh, wait…that’s just paranoia from the vodka and Red Bull. Your colleagues aren’t out to get you; they just think you’re lazy.
Pisces, your mind continues to wander. Brilliant inventions and screenplay ideas occur to you all day long. This makes you very entertaining to any colleagues who don’t actually rely on your workflow. Still, you might want keep something odorless like vodka in your flask. Watch out for saboteurs, especially flirtatious ones.