ASTROLIQUOR for November 16-22—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’ll have to toil this week to overcome your workplace image as a gin-soaked barbarian. Try on some business-speak. If coworkers don’t laugh, go with it. The less comprehensible you are, the more success you’ll enjoy. Naturally, alcohol will help with this. Change up your flask with some peach brandy. BTW, don’t go into the supply closet with Virgos or Libras.

Taurus, the stars advise you to air your opinions openly. Nobody can stand a douchebag who mentions after the fact that they knew something all along but were too polite to say so. Don’t be a douche! You have far too much Pisco sloshing around your head to think about diplomacy or tact. Friends, family, and colleagues will thank you for your honesty.

Someone is attempting to control you, Gemini. Wish them luck; you are far too elusive to be trapped in someone else’s plans. Meanwhile your workplace has turned into a circus. With the holidays mere weeks away you can’t even feign a work ethic, so you might as well pack the Absolut Kurant in your briefcase.

Cancer, your insight is growing about work, relationships, and finance. You’re realizing what you excel at, and what you suck at. You’re seeing the interplay of various players in all spheres of life—and getting ready to play them off each other. Sounds devious. You’ll need large quantities of tequila.

Leo, you may feel busy, but you’re actually doing a lot of dog-f#cking. Be careful; you are in an important creative life phase, and you’ll never recoup the time you waste. Yes, the stars are saying you should act like a grown-up. For this and many other reasons, you should probably not mix this up:

  • 2 cups red wine
  • 2 cups Coke
  • 2 cups orange juice
  • Multiple shots of peach schnapps

Romantic feelings threaten to get the better of you, Virgo, as the object does not share them. Shift your focus elsewhere, stalker! And don’t even think about venting your pent-up frustration on a third party. Good grief, that’s what Irish whisky is for: burying nuisance emotions. Add some interest with a splash of Irish Mist and some porn.

Libra, you’ll experience a creative spurt along with some general horniness. Together these will distract you from everyday life, turning your workplace productivity into a widely shared joke while sending you off on all kinds of personal ass-seeking tangents. All very tiring, Libra, so you’ll need some brisk, citrus refreshment:

  • 5 oz citrus liqueur
  • Juice of three lemons
  • 1 oz triple sec
  • 1 oz raspberry liqueur

You should probably enjoy this after work, but since you’re struggling to get anything done there, it’s your call.

You have a boner for mysteries, Scorpio, as well as speculations about higher planes and the universe’s secrets. This is an excellent week for plunging into the paranormal. If you wanted to investigate haunted bears, for instance, I could certainly send you one. When the occult gets boring, it’s time to scope out potential partners for some quick intimacy. (Saturday looks best.) The stars say (bitchily) not to be picky, but they are just idiotic balls of exploding gas. Be very picky. You deserve the best. Start every morning with one of these:

  • 1 oz Irish (or Canadian) cream
  • 1 oz Malibu
  • 1 oz whisky

Sagittarius, the small things are making you happy this week: glinting sunlight, your morning java, the sound of birdsong. This is creeping some of your friends out. They are used to the more manic you—the one whose mood hinges on the level of bourbon in your bloodstream. Ignore these detractors for the time being. When you get bored with nature you can always go back to them.

The stars promise a power week, Capricorn. How awesome! Push yourself to the limits mentally and physically. Rev up your stress levels by leaving late for all engagements. Stay up late every night, then go apeshit at the bar on Saturday. I see you reeling around with some cheap Canadian whisky. Yeah!

Aquarius, pay lots of attention to a sick friend this week. Vodka and Red Bull never eventuate in good health, and chances are the combo was your idea. Assuage your guilt, then attend to your workplace situation. You are being watched—surveilled, really— by coworkers with bad intentions. Oh, wait…that’s just paranoia from the vodka and Red Bull. Your colleagues aren’t out to get you; they just think you’re lazy.

Pisces, your mind continues to wander. Brilliant inventions and screenplay ideas occur to you all day long. This makes you very entertaining to any colleagues who don’t actually rely on your workflow. Still, you might want keep something odorless like vodka in your flask. Watch out for saboteurs, especially flirtatious ones.

ASTROLIQUOR for November 9-15—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, this week looks good for small-time betting. No big gambles, mind you! You wouldn’t want to blow your Christmas alcohol fund. By “small bets” the stars are referring to iffy drink concoctions such as the following:

  • 6 beers
  • 6 shots Irish cream
  • 5 shots amaretto
  • 5 shots Kahlua
  • 1 tbsp vanilla extract (the real stuff, with alcohol)
  • 1 shot Bacardi 151

You need a big jug for this. And a stat holiday the following day.

Taurus, you must resist spending money this week. Your tendency to buy things for the sake of ownership is resulting in hoarder-style furnishings and a pitiful liquor collection. Keep the purse strings tight until February (when you’ll win money). Until then, satisfy your urge to spend by purchasing the following items and sloshing them up together in your favorite vase. Yum!

  • 3 oz tequila
  • 6 oz orange vodka
  • Juice of half a lemon
  • 1/2 cup lemonade
  • 2 cups Sunny D (a weird cocktail in and of itself)

Finance is golden this month, Gemini, with successes in real estate, investment planning, anything legal, and even home redecoration (what about a painting?) on a budget.  Sounds like you’ll need a lot of energy! Luckily the stars are protecting you from the flu—but they’re still recommending that old-fashioned winter-ailment beverage: gingerale. Naturally you’ll need some rye with that.

Cancer, you’ll have trouble doing anything unsupervised this week. Find someone on your wavelength to help you with the basics—someone caring and nonjudgmental who’ll still love you when you’re hugging the toilet. If you can’t find someone like this, well…enjoy your Southern Comfort–cherry brandy bender. (Oh yeah, and the stars say there’s romance in your chart this week, but they have no idea how or when.)

Leo, you’ll suffer a bout of insecurity about your body, but this will pass quickly. Instead of dwelling on negatives, seek out luxuries such as massage/sauna treatments. Hang out with people who have weird physiques. Have a tropical-themed thong party. It’ll give you an excuse to make pina coladas.

If you’ve had a quarrel lately, Virgo, this is a perfect week to resolve it. Be true to yourself, though, or you’ll end up in an unsatisfactory compromise that’ll blow up later. You long to make new friends, especially ones with moustaches. Seek them out in bars and buy them rounds—they like to mix gin with gingerale and bitters.

Libra, a good friend with a get-rich-quick scheme is trying to rope you in. Your pal figures there’s a million bucks out there for the two of you, but so far he/she hasn’t even ponied up for drinks at the pub. Turn your attention to love instead of money; a Pisces, Taurus, or Leo will divert you thrillingly from ill-fated investments. And if they fail to focus you away from the dollar signs, remember—if you invest your money, you’ll never be able to afford these ingredients right now:

  • 4 oz Jack Daniel’s
  • 4 oz Jim Beam
  • 4 oz Southern Comfort
  • Coke to taste (I’m having “none”)

Another crazy weekend lies ahead, Scorpio, and as usual it won’t be over till Tuesday. You’ll return to reality with a hard thump—and a shitload of new work that won’t let up until the next wild weekend. Work hard so you can free yourself up! A lot of money is at stake, which means your liquor supply is under threat. Under siege during your weekends; under threat during the week! Just make sure you at least have some good gin and a reasonable vermouth.

Sagittarius, the stars are hedging their bets again, calling for either a loving relationship or a one-night stand on Saturday. (Stupid stars! How can they expect to maintain their astrological credibility?) You’ll be restless this week, but flexible and alert. Sounds a little too much like sobriety…have you run out of inventory? Even if all you have left is Cointreau or Razzmatazz, do it!

A good friend lets you down this week, Capricorn. Even though this alters your closeness, don’t give up entirely on the relationship. There’s a fair bit of blueberry schnapps and vodka involved in your friend’s lapse—something you can totally relate to. Nevertheless, the whole thing distracts you, leading to work screw-ups and your own vodka bender. If a third party offers to help, accept (especially if they have more vodka).

Aquarius, step up your efforts this week for greater success. Instead of leaning hard on colleagues, negotiate politely; be patient and diplomatic. Yes…this does translate into a dry-out week for you. Only by sobering up will you harness these mature social skills. Side-effect: you’ll notice all kinds of details about your workplace, including that person who has a crush on you. Sometimes plain lemonade’s not so bad.

Pisces, your philosophy that money isn’t important continues to dominate everything you do. This is great, because you still don’t have any money or job prospects. What you do have is a dwindling liquor cabinet…apple liqueur, anyone? Absinthe? But at least you’ll have a happy flirtation on Sunday, which will reaffirm the joys of freedom from a nine-to-five work week.

ASTROLIQUOR for November 2-8—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you won’t want to get out of bed this week. Your hair is matted with amaretto and coconut milk. Shake it off and take a shower. Better still, head for a public bath and inflict your funk on others. After some heavy-duty scrubbing you’ll be ready to give that work presentation the amaretto was helping you forget. Chill out, it will succeed, and then you’ll be invited to a nice restaurant. Drinks on the corporate card 🙂

Taurus, try to write down your dreams as soon as you wake up. This will be especially challenging, as pomegranate vodka tends to quash REM sleep. Do try though, and add some triple sec to shake your neurons up—it may lead to an exciting invention or piece of art, which in turn will lead to an enchanting flirtation.

Cupid aims right at you on Sunday, Gemini, although the stars like to hedge their bets by saying love/fornication could happen on any of the days preceding or following that blessed day. Vodka will break the ice, but your longterm partner may break your head when he/she sees you mating with someone new. Ouch!

Cancer, over the years your relationships have changed. While some friendships have slipped away, the alcohol-fueled ones are going strong, yet becoming less meaningful. Rather than overanalyze it, throw yourself into a creative project. Sip just enough Bailey’s to retain your presence of mind, especially if power tools are involved. Stop thinking about sleeping with that Aquarius; it’s not worth the hassle.

Leo, you’re usually good at standing up for yourself, but this week people use and abuse you. Could it be that Jose Cuervo compromises your feelings of self-worth? OMG! Seek out positive people who assist you in pursuing self-awareness. Mind your boundaries and tell the neighbor who wants to borrow a cup of sugar to take a hike.

The stars call for dangerous personal interactions this week, Virgo. They say (they say) your marriage or longterm relationship will benefit if you have a fling with a stranger. Keep in mind that the stars are really far away and pretty busy carrying out complex nuclear reactions that convert lighter elements into heavy ones. They don’t know shit about love and sex, and when they tell you to mix stout and cider they have no idea how it will turn out. That shit would evaporate on the surface of a star. It wouldn’t even exist in the first place. Stupid stars.

Libra, your loyalty is challenged this week. Be careful about excessive horniness. If you have a spouse, carefully consider the implications of straying.  Maybe you’d do better to avoid temptation and hole up with a 46er of Seagrams 7. If you need to soul-search, find an Aries to talk to, but not one covered in rancid coconut milk and amaretto.

The stars know your life is on an uptick, Scorpio, but they persist in recommending silly drinks. Corona with a shot of rum in it? Sounds gross, but things are going so well for you that…why not? With your positive energy, you’re a magnet for friends right now. Have a party on Saturday and get rid of all that Corona. If you don’t, who knows what the stars will want you to throw in it next week.

Sagittarius, try expressing your feelings this week; it’ll improve your work relationships and help you shake off that nagging worry that there’s a target on your back. Sunday’s your best day; mix this up:

  • 2 oz Cointreau
  • 2 oz Grand Marnier
  • 2 oz vodka
  • 2 oz cognac
  • 2 oz apricot brandy

Looks like you’ll be calling in sick on Monday; isn’t it great you sorted all your crap out first?

Are you single, Capricorn? This week two suitors will vie for your affection. Go for the one who can handle a daily breakfast pick-me-up of Bailey’s, Frangelico, and Grand Marnier. But don’t feel obligated to make it work. Your flirtatious period starts this Sunday and carries on through January, so you have time to be choosy.

Aquarius, you’ll face a big decision this week involving career, finance, or both. It may have to do with your job sucking. Would you rather go to school? Or would you like another job? Don’t ask your family to weigh in; they’ve been waiting to stage an intervention regarding the pile of whiskey bottles on your lawn. (Class it up with some vermouth and benedictine while you consider your life choices.)

Pisces, this week you decide that money and career are not that important. Given that you have neither, this is a deeply satisfying conclusion. But do think about your living arrangements and sustenance; you need minimal necessities, and your J&B, Crown Royal, and Southern Comfort won’t just come out of the ether.