malibu

ASTROLIQUOR for May 3-6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

I won’t be able to sleep if the horoscope is late one more time. Just thinking of you all embarking on your weekends without astrological booze guidance…OMG.

Aries, whatever your ride happens to be, it will need repairs this week. What better reason to fill up on vodka? You’ll be safely out of traffic, so go ahead. Don’t be surprised if none of your emails make sense while you’re pickled, though. You will probably miss an important one from a distant relative with some surprising news, which you’ll read in a drunken haze and not remember. You’ll also pick somebody up on Sunday and not remember that either.

Taurus, get into vacation-planning mode. If you research carefully, you’ll find something cozy and romantic—without blowing your booze budget. Although finances continue to be tight, you can’t afford to put your holiday off; you are a good candidate to go postal. Find a way to calm down before your trip. Cinnamon schnapps tossed into a pint of cider?

Gemini, chores are calling out to you but you’re fantastic at ignoring them. By the end of the week every piece of furniture in your house will be festooned with dirty underwear and dark…brown stains…which are actually chocolate, because this is the week you learn how to make pudding shots. Here’s how you do it:

  • 1 package Jell-O chocolate pudding
  • 3/4 cup milk
  • 1/2 cup Kahlua
  • 1/2 cup Bailey’s
  • 1/2 cup Jose Cuervo
  • 1/4 cup vodka
  • 2 cups frozen fake whipped topping

Mix all the liquids and fold in the fake whipped topping. Whisk it up and freeze in little containers (like the ones you put crackers in for the kids’ lunches). Be careful, these cause stains.

Cancer, your persecution complex will intensify this week despite good weather and plenty of supportive friends. One of the root causes is your lack of money. You enjoy spending generously and it kills you that you can’t invite the whole neighborhood over when you mix up a vat of Malibu and Captain Morgan mango rum. Hang in there; you’ll receive a bonus in June. The liquor store staff will be pleased to see you again.

Leo, you are very fortunate but sometimes you can’t see it. Pay attention to others this week and you’ll see how comparatively well-off you are. And while you’re watching these other people, one of them will catch your interest. This will develop into a sordid but lukewarm adventure involving a cocktail known as Rooster Piss. (Stock up on Jack Daniel’s and cinnamon schnapps.)

Virgo, you’re good at finishing projects you set out to do, and this week you’ll tie off many loose ends, impressing your family and colleagues. You’ll even attract romantic interest on Sunday, making this just about your most successful week of 2013. You deserve to get hammered. Equal parts Firewater, Wild Turkey, and Southern Comfort for you. Yeah!

Libra, you’ll have a bar fight with an Aries this week. Luckily it will peter out quickly, leaving you both to reel off in search of another bar, and, finding only one, sitting down together there and bonding. How touching, Libra—don’t you wish all your brawls were so socially productive? Dare your new friend to try a nasty shot: peach schnapps, milk, and grenadine.

Relax this week, Scorpio. If you chill out for a while, you’ll be able to prioritize tasks better and even blow some of them off. No work this weekend, say the stars—in fact, tack Monday on and make it a three-day rest. Find some friends and start pouring creme de menthe with vodka. Before bedtime, this drink is a plausible substitute for brushing your teeth (take the weekend off that too).

Sagittarius, solid foods are overrated, and the stars feel you should divert some grocery money to alcohol. Is your bar equipped with rum and tequila? Stock it up with essentials and take a pass on food. When you bow to the porcelain altar later, you’ll appreciate the lack of chunks. Sunday’s the best day for your love life.

Even though you’re looking and listening, Capricorn, you’re not processing what you see and hear. Don’t beat yourself up—this is inevitable with a headful of Midori Melon, sloe gin, Absolut, Southern Comfort, and Chambord. You may not be able to take notes on a lecture, but you sure know how to mix a drink. And let’s face it, that’s what matters.

Aquarius, you are exceptionally influential this week. Colleagues willingly become your lackeys, and you won’t hear one dissenting voice at work. It’s as though your eyes are spirals… This is a powerful way to operate, and it will last as long as you hang on to some sobriety. As soon as you mix that lovely combination of vodka, amaretto, and butterscotch schnapps in a cocktail shaker with ice, your will to dominate will disappear. Hmmm. Have you mixed it yet?

Someone is watching you, Pisces, but your neurons are marinating in vanilla schnapps; you don’t even notice this interesting new person. You do get the sense that you are being stalked, however—above and beyond your usual levels of paranoia. Try to sober up a bit and pay attention. Your admirer, a Capricorn, is just as permanently drunk as you. Unless you trip over each other, you’ll continue like two ships in the night. Two freaking wasted ships.

ASTROLIQUOR for April 5-11—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Socially, Aries, you’re in for an unpredictable week. Expect everyone to behave like crazed drunks: one minute amorous, the next minute coming at you with a broken bottle. By Thursday you’ll have squeaked through this without injury, only to face a financial dilemma—an offer you can’t refuse…or can/should you? Wait until mid-April to decide. In the meantime? Jell-O shots of course:

  • 1 box orange Jell-O (the stars don’t know which size)
  • 1 cup boiling water
  • 1/2 cup orange juice
  • 1/2 cup vodka

Follow package directions EXCEPT substitute the cold water with the juice and vodka (juice first so it cools down the boiling mixture and prevents vodka evaporation).

Taurus, financial security is heavily emphasized, with partners or close relatives laying on thick pressure to get your ducks in a row. This might mean buying insurance or looking into your investments. Or it could mean cutting back on the Jagermeister. The stars know good booze is expensive, so they advise cheap brands this week. Buy a big plastic jug of vodka and some no-name version of Kahlua. Your relatives and coworkers will nod with approval as you manage to save money for the future and still get totally wasted.

Your social life is complicated this week, Gemini, so maintain a healthy skepticism as friends make romantic declarations, only to rescind them the next day. Don’t take it personally—the stars are fickle this week. Then again, the morning after a one-nighter can sometimes be an unpleasant eye-opener. Perhaps your partner got grossed out by the tequila-and-gin vomit splattered on the shower stall…you know, the stain from February?

Cancer, whatever shit was flying at work, it will calm down this week. Your boss will forget that episode involving absinthe and Fresca—and may even deny the whole thing. By mid-week you’ll be the only person who remembers what happened, but your best-behavior paranoia won’t let up until at least Sunday. In the meantime you’ll find yourself saying yes to everything, so get ready for some bizarre new hobbies.

Leo, workplace ethics figure prominently this week, along with added responsibilities and dipshit assignments. This is not a good time to ask your colleagues if they know what the hell they’re doing. The less you know the better, and alcohol can help with that. Be patient and sip some sloe gin (from your flask).

You’ve been happily ignoring your family, Virgo, but you can get away with that for only so long. Relatives will decide they want to live with you and/or initiate complicated financial involvements that will interfere with your plans to drink rum in the nude. Thoroughly study any financial proposals before committing to anything. There’s a reason you’ve been keeping your family at arms’ length. They are nutbags.

Libra, you’ll be pestered by annoying little reminders from colleagues this week. Every five seconds you’ll encounter some new post-it with loopy writing reminding you to do something totally stupid and trivial. Bureaucracy will run rampant and sap your will to live. Hang on until Thursday, when people will turn into human beings again. That’s when you break out the Malibu.

Everyone around you is bored, Scorpio. It’s not your fault—you are doing your usual lunatic things and being entertaining as hell. It’s other people with mad repression who are hanging out in your space and driving you nuts with their inability to occupy themselves. Maybe if you give them some Grey Goose they will go away. It’s worth a shot.

Sagittarius, romantic overtures and social occasions will thrill you this week. You’ve been bored lately (have you been pestering any Scorpios?), so this is a great opportunity to get out of your funk. You’ll also consider new employment. This might be the result of a workplace incident involving dark rum and Dr. Pepper…or you might simply be seeking a new job. Oh yeah, and the stars say your rectum might itch this week, but it’s nothing major.

Professional events are a chore this week, Capricorn. Colleagues are unusually strained, as if they expect a pink slip any minute. This is a good time to network, just in case they’re right. It’s easier to get a job when you have a job, and right now you still have the mojo. Maintain diplomacy and meet as many contacts as you can. Stay alert! But if you figure your job is safe, you can go ahead and mix this up:

  • 2 oz watermelon schnapps
  • 2 oz apple schnapps
  • 2 oz De Kuiper Blue Island Pucker schnapps
  • 2 oz vodka

Whee!

Aquarius, everyone around you is moody this week. You’re walking on eggshells among friends who’ve mated with each other and broken up—and are now torturing you with the relationship aftermath. How awkward…get out the Malibu and Blue Curacao and make some happy drinks. That or banish your friends until they get over their liaison. On Friday you may receive a large inheritance. This will make you super-popular, so get rid of those mopey friends ASAP or you won’t be able to later.

Pisces, finances will be the usual fiasco this week, with all dealings strangely messed up, outlandish promises made and broken, and nutty propositions coming from all angles. Let’s face it: the only safe investment for your cash is liquor. Now’s the time to stock up on all those liqueurs you’ve wondered about. Do you have any Goldschlager? Buy it! Butterscotch schnapps? Go get it! Kahlua? Buy it, and mix it up. Mmmmm. You’re totally broke now, but happy.

ASTROLIQUOR for March 29 to April 4—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, watch out Monday—your relationship status may change. Maybe your significant other will chuck all your stuff out the window. Maybe you’ll just remember to check “It’s Complicated” on Facebook or whatever. The stars don’t have a clue; their whole business is to make baseless, inflammatory predictions. And to suggest inflammatory drinks—try two shots of Bacardi 151 with some sort of godforsaken energy drink and you’re on your way. Who knows? This drink may be the catalyst for your relationship change.

Taurus, long-term and/or romantic relationships come under the microscope this week. Issues of loyalty, trust, and respect rear their terribly serious heads, and you may just need to escape into the bottle. Expect some embarrassing outbursts (probably from you); these could take the form of verbal outrages, or even physical diarrhea in a public place. Whoa! A delicate week, Taurus…treat yourself to some cognac and an enema kit.

Charisma is your middle name this week, Gemini, so put yourself out there. Expect lewd invitations on Monday (if you have a partner, try to make sure he/she is included). Unless you avoid human contact, you’ll find yourself in a romantic triangle—maybe even a quadrangle or other troublesome polygon jumpstarted by the combination of Ketel One Vodka and Jagermeister. Later in the week, you might find yourself left out of a will. (OMG! Who died? The stars don’t know that bit.)

Cancer, your home life looks stable and comfortable this week. You’re well rested, with energy on the rise, and no confrontations in sight. Okay, well…on Tuesday you’ll notice a minor f#ck-up you made at work and hasten to cover it up—successfully. All good, but you’ll feel some residual paranoia. Start collecting Brownie points. You got it—you’re the designated driver.

Leo, work-related emails or financial paperwork will seem extra-complicated this week, a logical consequence of a flask kept perpetually full of Cachaca. Try to add up receipts twice rather than once—let’s face it, you are one messed-up kid with some very blotto brain cells, and you shouldn’t really be at work. But new projects keep coming! OMG, Leo, this is not the time to be drunk. But of course you are.

This week you feel oppressed, Virgo. Not normally one to bitch about “The Man,” this week you let loose with some paranoid shit about business managers, bankers, and authority figures. You’ll impute a politics to your workplace that doesn’t even exist. Everybody else is trying to get their crap done, and you’re staring at the wall, muttering. You’re gonna get fired anyway, so pour yourself a Coke & Bitters. Drink it openly.

Libra, a close relationship will demand some TLC on Monday. Emotions run high until Thursday, when you’ll collapse from the strain of hand-holding and pour yourself a tumbler of Jim Beam. You’ll get a brief impulse to light it on fire first, but this is madness. You need every molecule of that alcohol. Needy friends may be a pain in the ass, but sometimes they turn around and buy a round later. Hang in there.

You’ll give up on waiting for an answer from a romantic interest, Scorpio, issuing in five weeks of uncomplicated joy completely unsullied by emotional expectations. And that’s not all. Between Tuesday and Thursday a rare business opportunity will present itself; the son of the deposed leader of Nigeria wants your help with a high-level transaction. Make sure you get in on this. If not, why not visit some sports betting sites? You’ve got the mojo this week. Pour some Kahlua and Bailey’s.

Sagittarius, the business emails will hit you so fast this week that your poor brain cells will be crying “uncle.” You’ll be scrambling to keep up with short-term tasks—blind to long-term ones. That’s what comes of including Captain Morgan, Malibu, Bacardi, and dark rum in your breakfast. Especially for Sagittarians born in December, this week will be nuts. Avoid social commitments for at least 14 days (yay! you get to drink alone).

Family and home take center stage this week, Capricorn. Loved ones will make requests for Martha Stewart–inspired home improvements and concoctions. Partners will hit you up for more intimacy. Insecure members will lean on you for emotional support. In short, you are all things to all people. But don’t ignore your own concerns. The stars are worried that if you don’t make a minimum payment on that maxed credit card, you won’t be able to buy triple sec for those Martha-style drinks.

Aquarius, relationships will be confusing early in the week (actually, everything will, because your brain will marinate in Crown Royal over the weekend). In your more lucid moments, though, you’ll realize that friends are more weirdo than usual. They will pick fights with each other. Do not try to intervene! On Wednesday you’ll have an important chance to make a good impression, and you don’t want to show up with a black eye.

Pisces, recent business or financial decisions will come back to haunt you. An ambitious business venture may well have gone to shit, and the principals are becoming confrontational. If this sounds scary, it is, but no more than usual for Pisces. Dampen your fears with some light rum. By Friday you’ll figure out what to do.