My Fellow Inebriates,

Last night when I approached my mum about doing a long-overdue booze run to get us stocked up, I found her watching a podcast on alcoholism of all things. I said, “Hey, what about the shopping, then? I have reviews to do,” and she said, “Well, about that.”

She said she was not entirely convinced of my harmlessness.

I said, “If you are talking to bears then we’re way past harmlessness and into something more like psychosis. Get me my liquor.”

And then she said, “You’re not the first bear I’ve ever talked to. And you won’t be the last.” Then she went back to her podcast.

I said, “I need the following: Grey Goose, some Kirschwasser cherry brandy, Jim Beam, and of course more Malibu. We always need Malibu.”

Then she said: “I’m feeling a little guilty about you. You have, perhaps, gotten out of control.”

I decided I didn’t like the tone this was taking and continued with my list. “And I need Nesquik. I’m going to put Nesquik in the Grey Goose. To make it more family-friendly.”

“Why don’t you do something else, LB?”

“I don’t have anything else; this is all I’ve got.”

Her ass was in my way so I couldn’t shove her off the computer. And even if I could, my paws are not suited to typing; they’re just little nubs really.

So that’s where my liquor reviews are at today, people. I’ll let you know when my mum falls off the wagon.