ASTROLIQUOR for Feb. 15–21—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Gear up for some excitement, Aries—maybe a housewrecker party or a night of bar-hopping. You’ll be out all night and end up conflating breakfast with, well, more drinking. Try blending up a cup of banana schnapps with some bananas for a wholesome breakfast. While you’re replenishing your potassium and blood-alcohol percentage, why not email that Leo you had the one-night stand with last year? He/she will be delighted to hear from you, especially in your condition.

Taurus, you’re due for an ignominious week. Expect to break a lot of bottles…a lot. Be stoic when someone attacks you for your recklessness; the criticism is less about you than it is about this douchebag’s own unhappy life. If he/she pounded the orange vodka and Cointreau the way you do, life would be sunny. Someone will make you an appealing offer this week. Lay off the vodka briefly so you can consider it—it might be too good to be true.

A friend needs you again, Gemini, but you just don’t feel like helping. Ordinarily you’re good at navigating such situations, but this particular friend gets you with a brainful of Malibu and, well, you just don’t care. The person seeking help feels very bonded to you emotionally and will be offended when you ignore the pleas, so you may have to employ some diplomacy later. That or just pour yourself some more Malibu.

The pressure continues, Cancer. Not only are your finances still #&*%^#—so are your mental faculties. Just when you think you understand a difficult concept, it slips away. Losing one’s mental capacity is one of the most frightening prospects anyone can face, especially if it wasn’t any hell to begin with. Consider visiting the doctor or, if you just don’t want to know for sure, maintain a constant buzz. How about gin, Malibu, and sour apple liqueur? That should keep prevent your remaining neurons from worrying.

Leo, you’ll get a very lucrative monetary offer, job offer, or maybe just a sales flyer from your favorite store. Listen to your emotions as you make your decision. Whether you end up taking the deal, refusing it, or just blowing all your cash at Walmart, make sure you have enough left to stock your bar. You’re running out of vanilla liqueur and probably a whack of other important liquor-store items. The stars want you to mix the liqueur with orange juice and milk. I say just drink it straight.

What happens when you combine Corona with tequila and grenadine at work, Virgo? You may just end up getting a raise, as your brash, uninhibited self takes over from your mousy daytime personality and wows your boss. Especially if your boss is an Aquarius, the stars say do it. If that doesn’t work out (and let’s face it, some people consider tequila and work incompatible),  you’ll probably end up winning some lottery cash. But don’t spend it all! The stars are malevolent about your finances in April.

Libra, a natural disaster has you in its sights. Water may well be involved, so take whatever precautions occur to you. Of course, the stars may be exaggerating—you might just have your toilet back up after your five-year-old feeds an entire roll of toilet paper to it. Either way, you’ll need to stock up on liquor. Put that crazy kid to bed and mix this number:

  • 4 parts Hypnotiq
  • 4 parts gin
  • 2 parts tequila
  • 8 parts pineapple juice (optional)
  • 8 parts Sprite (optional)

Make sure you’re well prepared for any conferences you attend this week, Scorpio. In the past you’ve arrived with a flask of gin and Dr. Pepper and only barely managed to comport yourself. Afterwards when the meeting minutes got circulated, the whole thing seemed new to you—especially the bits with that clown who made all the asinine comments. The stars don’t insist on 100% sobriety for work; but they don’t want you to be totally embarrassed either, so find the right balance.

Sagittarius, your computer will act up this week; you’ll suspect a virus, and you’re actually due for one considering all the porn you’ve been downloading, but the real problem is your computer’s age. You don’t have the greatest head for troubleshooting, especially while lit up with vodka and vermouth. Try to resist the urge to throw the whole rig out the window, cinematic as that might be. Don’t shoot at it either. Just get some fresh air and/or more vodka.

No nitpicking for you this week, Capricorn. Examining things minutely only leads to misery and subverts decision making. Your intuition is a better guide than intense analysis. If you can’t inhibit your inner critic, dose it with tequila and peach schnapps. On another note entirely, try not to be jealous. Again, tequila will help.

Aquarius, you border on stalking when it comes to a certain Leo. Other people are noticing and becoming increasingly uncomfortable with your inappropriate behavior. What you need is a diversion. Find a big jug and fill it with 3 parts Malibu, 6 parts cognac, and 6 parts Jim Beam. This is a great way to forget about Leos, and anything else for that matter.

Pisces, a friend from old times will email this week with shocking news. Refrain from responding right away; you’re far too pickled in banana rum to be judging your friend. If you can’t resist hitting the “send” button, be prepared to fix a damaged relationship or even retract what you’ve said. All of which is typical for Pisces any week, regardless of celestial influence. But don’t say the stars didn’t try to help!

ASTROLIQUOR for January 18-24

My  Fellow Inebriates,

The stars are still being dickheaded, which means you all get an abbreviated reading again, just like last week, only this week we don’t even have a proper theme, people. Yes, the stars are sucking royal ass and being totally lazy in their stupid galactic orbits, burning all that hydrogen and producing f*ck-all in the way of useful readings about OUR LIVES. We should all be livid at the stupid stars and their questionable influence. That having being said, here’s what they say you should drink.


You get apple juice and Smirnoff this week. What a perfect Sunday-morning treat while hanging out with a toddler.


Godiva, Kahlua, and small ice cubes that you can crunch while you drink. This is so you can be annoying, just in case you don’t already know how.


Do they still make Jolt cola? I think not, but if you know someone who had a bomb shelter/panic room and died, then they might have left some in there, and you could go in and get it. But do they (did they?) have raspberry syrup and vodka?


Cognac, strawberry schnapps, triple sec, and club soda. Blend it up with a couple of strawberries, weirdo.


Got a big (I mean big) container? Put vodka, gin, sweet-and-sour mix, grenadine, and—what else?—beer. Proportions you can figure out.


Dark rum, Malibu, peach schnapps, blackberry schnapps, and as many kinds of juices as you have in the fridge. Like Aries, you’ve got yourself a libation you can enjoy while hanging with a five-year-old.


Okay, this is kind of elaborate. Vanilla liqueur, some kind of blue liqueur, mint liqueur, and vanilla ice cream. Not in the blender!! Cocktail shaker, ice, shave the ice cream into it. YEAH! Shake it up. Also a good one to enjoy while regaling the kiddies about the importance of a well-stocked bar.


Got a harsh Canadian whisky? Bet you’ve never put it in a cocktail shaker with rosso vermouth, crappy sparkling wine, a splash of triple sec, and some bitters. Why would anyone do that?? But the stars are calling for it, so there you go.


Jagermeister in a coffee. It’s gonna be a bad week.


You luck out again with some hedonistic luxury: amarula, cream liqueur, peach schnapps, vodka, half-and-half, and don’t forget vodka. Mmmmmm (I think? Who knows, it might be totally gross).


Vodka and Hawaiian Snapple. You’re welcome.


You deserve a fantasy drink: Midori melon, Malibu, and pineapple juice. Ahhhh!