Bailey’s

ASTROLIQUOR for November 9-15—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, this week looks good for small-time betting. No big gambles, mind you! You wouldn’t want to blow your Christmas alcohol fund. By “small bets” the stars are referring to iffy drink concoctions such as the following:

  • 6 beers
  • 6 shots Irish cream
  • 5 shots amaretto
  • 5 shots Kahlua
  • 1 tbsp vanilla extract (the real stuff, with alcohol)
  • 1 shot Bacardi 151

You need a big jug for this. And a stat holiday the following day.

Taurus, you must resist spending money this week. Your tendency to buy things for the sake of ownership is resulting in hoarder-style furnishings and a pitiful liquor collection. Keep the purse strings tight until February (when you’ll win money). Until then, satisfy your urge to spend by purchasing the following items and sloshing them up together in your favorite vase. Yum!

  • 3 oz tequila
  • 6 oz orange vodka
  • Juice of half a lemon
  • 1/2 cup lemonade
  • 2 cups Sunny D (a weird cocktail in and of itself)

Finance is golden this month, Gemini, with successes in real estate, investment planning, anything legal, and even home redecoration (what about a painting?) on a budget.  Sounds like you’ll need a lot of energy! Luckily the stars are protecting you from the flu—but they’re still recommending that old-fashioned winter-ailment beverage: gingerale. Naturally you’ll need some rye with that.

Cancer, you’ll have trouble doing anything unsupervised this week. Find someone on your wavelength to help you with the basics—someone caring and nonjudgmental who’ll still love you when you’re hugging the toilet. If you can’t find someone like this, well…enjoy your Southern Comfort–cherry brandy bender. (Oh yeah, and the stars say there’s romance in your chart this week, but they have no idea how or when.)

Leo, you’ll suffer a bout of insecurity about your body, but this will pass quickly. Instead of dwelling on negatives, seek out luxuries such as massage/sauna treatments. Hang out with people who have weird physiques. Have a tropical-themed thong party. It’ll give you an excuse to make pina coladas.

If you’ve had a quarrel lately, Virgo, this is a perfect week to resolve it. Be true to yourself, though, or you’ll end up in an unsatisfactory compromise that’ll blow up later. You long to make new friends, especially ones with moustaches. Seek them out in bars and buy them rounds—they like to mix gin with gingerale and bitters.

Libra, a good friend with a get-rich-quick scheme is trying to rope you in. Your pal figures there’s a million bucks out there for the two of you, but so far he/she hasn’t even ponied up for drinks at the pub. Turn your attention to love instead of money; a Pisces, Taurus, or Leo will divert you thrillingly from ill-fated investments. And if they fail to focus you away from the dollar signs, remember—if you invest your money, you’ll never be able to afford these ingredients right now:

  • 4 oz Jack Daniel’s
  • 4 oz Jim Beam
  • 4 oz Southern Comfort
  • Coke to taste (I’m having “none”)

Another crazy weekend lies ahead, Scorpio, and as usual it won’t be over till Tuesday. You’ll return to reality with a hard thump—and a shitload of new work that won’t let up until the next wild weekend. Work hard so you can free yourself up! A lot of money is at stake, which means your liquor supply is under threat. Under siege during your weekends; under threat during the week! Just make sure you at least have some good gin and a reasonable vermouth.

Sagittarius, the stars are hedging their bets again, calling for either a loving relationship or a one-night stand on Saturday. (Stupid stars! How can they expect to maintain their astrological credibility?) You’ll be restless this week, but flexible and alert. Sounds a little too much like sobriety…have you run out of inventory? Even if all you have left is Cointreau or Razzmatazz, do it!

A good friend lets you down this week, Capricorn. Even though this alters your closeness, don’t give up entirely on the relationship. There’s a fair bit of blueberry schnapps and vodka involved in your friend’s lapse—something you can totally relate to. Nevertheless, the whole thing distracts you, leading to work screw-ups and your own vodka bender. If a third party offers to help, accept (especially if they have more vodka).

Aquarius, step up your efforts this week for greater success. Instead of leaning hard on colleagues, negotiate politely; be patient and diplomatic. Yes…this does translate into a dry-out week for you. Only by sobering up will you harness these mature social skills. Side-effect: you’ll notice all kinds of details about your workplace, including that person who has a crush on you. Sometimes plain lemonade’s not so bad.

Pisces, your philosophy that money isn’t important continues to dominate everything you do. This is great, because you still don’t have any money or job prospects. What you do have is a dwindling liquor cabinet…apple liqueur, anyone? Absinthe? But at least you’ll have a happy flirtation on Sunday, which will reaffirm the joys of freedom from a nine-to-five work week.

ASTROLIQUOR for November 2-8—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you won’t want to get out of bed this week. Your hair is matted with amaretto and coconut milk. Shake it off and take a shower. Better still, head for a public bath and inflict your funk on others. After some heavy-duty scrubbing you’ll be ready to give that work presentation the amaretto was helping you forget. Chill out, it will succeed, and then you’ll be invited to a nice restaurant. Drinks on the corporate card 🙂

Taurus, try to write down your dreams as soon as you wake up. This will be especially challenging, as pomegranate vodka tends to quash REM sleep. Do try though, and add some triple sec to shake your neurons up—it may lead to an exciting invention or piece of art, which in turn will lead to an enchanting flirtation.

Cupid aims right at you on Sunday, Gemini, although the stars like to hedge their bets by saying love/fornication could happen on any of the days preceding or following that blessed day. Vodka will break the ice, but your longterm partner may break your head when he/she sees you mating with someone new. Ouch!

Cancer, over the years your relationships have changed. While some friendships have slipped away, the alcohol-fueled ones are going strong, yet becoming less meaningful. Rather than overanalyze it, throw yourself into a creative project. Sip just enough Bailey’s to retain your presence of mind, especially if power tools are involved. Stop thinking about sleeping with that Aquarius; it’s not worth the hassle.

Leo, you’re usually good at standing up for yourself, but this week people use and abuse you. Could it be that Jose Cuervo compromises your feelings of self-worth? OMG! Seek out positive people who assist you in pursuing self-awareness. Mind your boundaries and tell the neighbor who wants to borrow a cup of sugar to take a hike.

The stars call for dangerous personal interactions this week, Virgo. They say (they say) your marriage or longterm relationship will benefit if you have a fling with a stranger. Keep in mind that the stars are really far away and pretty busy carrying out complex nuclear reactions that convert lighter elements into heavy ones. They don’t know shit about love and sex, and when they tell you to mix stout and cider they have no idea how it will turn out. That shit would evaporate on the surface of a star. It wouldn’t even exist in the first place. Stupid stars.

Libra, your loyalty is challenged this week. Be careful about excessive horniness. If you have a spouse, carefully consider the implications of straying.  Maybe you’d do better to avoid temptation and hole up with a 46er of Seagrams 7. If you need to soul-search, find an Aries to talk to, but not one covered in rancid coconut milk and amaretto.

The stars know your life is on an uptick, Scorpio, but they persist in recommending silly drinks. Corona with a shot of rum in it? Sounds gross, but things are going so well for you that…why not? With your positive energy, you’re a magnet for friends right now. Have a party on Saturday and get rid of all that Corona. If you don’t, who knows what the stars will want you to throw in it next week.

Sagittarius, try expressing your feelings this week; it’ll improve your work relationships and help you shake off that nagging worry that there’s a target on your back. Sunday’s your best day; mix this up:

  • 2 oz Cointreau
  • 2 oz Grand Marnier
  • 2 oz vodka
  • 2 oz cognac
  • 2 oz apricot brandy

Looks like you’ll be calling in sick on Monday; isn’t it great you sorted all your crap out first?

Are you single, Capricorn? This week two suitors will vie for your affection. Go for the one who can handle a daily breakfast pick-me-up of Bailey’s, Frangelico, and Grand Marnier. But don’t feel obligated to make it work. Your flirtatious period starts this Sunday and carries on through January, so you have time to be choosy.

Aquarius, you’ll face a big decision this week involving career, finance, or both. It may have to do with your job sucking. Would you rather go to school? Or would you like another job? Don’t ask your family to weigh in; they’ve been waiting to stage an intervention regarding the pile of whiskey bottles on your lawn. (Class it up with some vermouth and benedictine while you consider your life choices.)

Pisces, this week you decide that money and career are not that important. Given that you have neither, this is a deeply satisfying conclusion. But do think about your living arrangements and sustenance; you need minimal necessities, and your J&B, Crown Royal, and Southern Comfort won’t just come out of the ether.

ASTROLIQUOR for October 19-25—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, friends seek you out this week for physical and mental help. Be careful not to overtax yourself; your reserves of both are limited. Who will help you when you’ve strained every muscle and lost your mind? Maybe a Libra, but then again maybe not. Most likely you’ll dive into the gin, civilizing your bender with Cointreau, Campari, and bitters over ice. Your stomach and bowels will not like this!

Taurus, you are gradually establishing your goals and learning about your own nature. Weeks of introspection and self-analysis are teaching you who you really are. We astrologers like to call this “narcissism.” Enjoy it until December, when work issues pull you out of your navel-gazing. Do not buy a new cellphone! You need that money for vodka, peach schnapps, melon liqueur, and raspberry liqueur.

You’re talented at dodging unpleasant tasks, Gemini, but this week the stars effectively clamp a toilet brush in your hand. Get to work so you can be done quickly. Mindless jobs are a great opportunity to think, and afterwards you can have a cookie (or liquid facsimile):

  • 2 oz Bailey’s
  • 2 oz butterscotch liqueur
  • 2 oz cinnamon schnapps

Cancer, your natural cheer is misconstrued by a horny friend. As fun as this sounds, it will not end well if you pursue it. By December your horny friend will show actual horns, and you may need a restraining order. OMG! Flirting is so much fun; how can you restrain yourself? You’re just too charming, and you have the self-control of a chimp. You need other measures. Start by eschewing showers for a while. Load up on amaretto and peach schnapps. Lose your toothbrush indefinitely. That should chase away your friend before any of this shit goes down.

Leo, you face an age-old conflict between mind and emotions that will carry on through January. You’ll become tiresome telling  friends about this amazing hemispheric brain schism that prevents you from exercising common sense and allows you to behave like a douchebag. You waste piles of money on therapy. Does your therapist know your brain cells are marinating in triple sec? You should mention it.

The stars call for a charmed week, Virgo. Big problems will seem negligible, and small problems will vanish. You’ll sort out past issues and ponder intellectual matters. So confident are you that you become overly acquisitive, straining your bank account. Do you need a new leather couch? You could just purchase a bottle of Stolichnaya and still get that rush from hitting the “buy” button.

Libra, you feel shy this week, which makes you seem sensitive. This attracts people to you, which makes you more self-conscious. Your gut instinct is to hide at home drinking creme de menthe, but it’s a mistake—your carpet can’t take any more green barf. Go out with some friends. They like you, they really like you.

Your feelings fluctuate this week, Scorpio, and friends wonder about you. A paranoid Scorpio with a Cointreau-pickled brain is not a thing to mess with. Someone tells you a secret. You start to think they think you’ll divulge it. You think they’re going to hurt you for divulging it. Freaky stuff, Scorpio, get a grip! Your friend knows you won’t tell. That’s why he/she told you.

Sagittarius, your thoughts continue in a futuristic vein, with November looking promising. Try to interview for jobs on either the 10th or the 25th so you can be sure to nail something. In between you can break out the Grey Goose all day long. Your liver is surprisingly robust this month, so make it work!

Your sensitivity skyrockets this week, Capricorn. Who’s talking about you?! Who’s talking about your partner?! Do they like you? Do they hate you? Your brain overloads with paranoid thoughts. This sort of synaptic noise is the bane of our society. Lashings of whiskey with Grand Marnier should take care of it.

Aquarius, you have a power week ahead as long as you involve other people and resist being a cowboy. Privately and professionally you’ll make gains, although you’ll forget to hit the gym. The stars encourage you to frequent bars; you’ll meet nice people who’ll buy rounds of lemony cocktails.

Pisces, you have a brawl with a colleague this week over something you said. Tactfully, he/she tries to clarify, and you throw a punch! Wow, Pisces, way to get a holiday! You’ll have a lovely week at home in bed, alternating between strawberry cream liqueur and sambuca, and drinking wine when you need to rehydrate. This is what you’ve always wanted.