Like anyone with a shred of common sense, I am freaking terrified of Martha Stewart. Just one glimpse of her faux-smile-concealing-untold-depths-of-cruelty and I get the shakes. So it’s no surprise that Martha knows how to make some scary cocktails, even if she doesn’t know she isn’t exactly pulling off that haircut any more (that’s for my Nana, who pretty much digs Martha except for the ‘do).
Was she hardened by the Inside, or is Martha Stewart just that naturally spine-tingling? Check out some of her creations…
Sinister Cider Cocktail
You need some weird stuff to make this martini, including sanding sugar, whatever that is (is it edible?) plus an apple, if you haven’t crossed over into the liquids-only territory we true alcoholics inhabit.
Lychee and Grape Eyeball Martinis
Martha tells you how to make frightening garnishes, but leaves the martini itself up to us. Let’s mix a triple.
Black Lagoon Cocktail
OMG, some people say this is the stuff that courses through Martha’s veins. But, hey, with four ounces of vodka in it, who’s quibbling?
Swamp Sips
It’s slimy! It’s murky! It’s rimmed with file powder, whatever the hell that is. And it has tequila in it. Gimme that swamp mix.
Pina Ghoulada
This rum-based coconut-cream cocktail is designed to appeal to blood-drinking monsters. Martha specifies “good-quality rum.”
Okay. Okay. I, er…OMG, I LOVE Martha Stewart!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT MARTHA STEWART!!! She totally rocks that hairstyle and, OMG, does she ever know how to mix a drink!
I would get hammered with Martha any day. Morning, midnight, whatever.
Shhhhh…we don’t want to wake Nana up. She emerged from knee-replacement surgery around noon (but was posting on Facebook by 4:00).
I wonder what’s in her IV drip?
Bet it’s something mega-mega-mega awesome. Probably so awesome that they won’t be wheeling the cocktail cart around her to her bed.
So what happens when Nana gets discharged from hospital? How soon can she get back to drinking?*
Those fantastic narcotics won’t last forever; they’ll give way to stand-bys like acetaminophen and ibuprofen. But which jives better with Happy Hour?
Acetaminophen (Tylenol) is processed through the liver, as is alcohol. Combine the two and your liver has to do a lot of work, which, if prolonged, can lead to liver damage. In fact, the recommended maximum daily dosage of acetaminophen is halfway to the point where your liver starts getting overwhelmed (OMG!). I don’t think they’ll give Nana a liver transplant when she’s already had two knee replacements. That’s going to the well a tad too often.
Maybe ibuprofen (Advil) would be better. But ibuprofen is tough on the stomach lining. Especially when there’s a risk of ulcers, it shouldn’t be combined with more than a couple of drinks, and food is a wise accompaniment.
Looks like Nana can’t get drunk right away. Guess I’ll have to do it for her. I love her very much, so I don’t mind.
*My question, not hers (just in case she doesn’t want to ask)
Last night it occurred to me that this blog might not make much sense to my newer readers. Only so much can be rationalized by the statement “I was drunk,” so perhaps a summary would help catch new readers up.
LBHQ (Liquorstore Bear Headquarters) consists of four humans (five if you count Dolly—more on that later) and countless animals. Occasionally humans visit from outside (grandparents, uncles, aunts, friends), and of course the animal pile grows with every gift-giving occasion. Of all of us, there’s only one self-avowed alcoholic (guess who). But there are plenty of liquor aficionados, which keeps the supply slowly trickling through LBHQ (and I do mean trickling, as in seeping). So, MFI (that’s you, my fellow inebriates), here are the short strokes.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
The Humans
Dad
Formerly self-employed but now working for the man, Dad is the quintessential geek. Never without a handful of electronic devices, he is plugged in all day, all the time, without ever being punctual.
Hobbies
Music
Stereo gear
Golf (in his dreams)
Mum
Brimming with frustration and often spinning her career wheels, the Talking Heads lyric “How did I get here?…” best explains her parenting. Although she usually has my back, she would be fully capable of buying a bear-skin rug.
Hobbies
Eating
Reading
Heaving steel
Miss P
With two months till her seventh birthday and a smile devoid of the important teeth, P’s power to frighten bears has recently ratcheted up.
Hobbies
Dressing up
Dressing bears up
Bonking bears on the head
Miss V
The most intense personality at LBHQ, V loves all animals, as long as they do her bidding. She is that kid who, when you say you’re really leaving the playground and she’d better come along or she’ll get left behind, will never fall for it.
Hobbies
Demanding food and then ignoring it
Celebrating birthdays (Chihuahua has had at least 15 this year)
World domination
Nana
Part cyborg, part human, all mama to my dad, Nana doesn’t visit us often enough, but when she does she brings Italian and French wines, enlarging our tasting repertoire and messing with my dad by making him guess how much they cost.
Hobbies
Hosting massive parties
Creating one-of-a-kind cakes (the kids say they “want kirsch” in the next one; don’t ask me how they thought of it)
Replacing her knees with high-tech implants
Papa
Not a cyborg but married to one, Papa is my dad’s dad, and very good at it. Industrious and project-oriented, he always has something going on.
Hobbies
Co-hosting massive parties
Wine tasting
Spying on birds
The Animals
Scarybear
Apocalyptic and mangy, Scary can remember a time before kids when he had the TV all to himself. Asked about his origins, Scary will tell you he was caught in a leghold trap and brought by force to Toys R Us, right before he caught a giant salmon…
Hobbies
Science fiction
Conspiracy theory
Speculating how the world will end
Blackie Bear
My go-to friend when I feel anxious, Blackie also hails from the liquor store, although he doesn’t romanticize it the way I do. He thinks we need more girl bears at LBHQ, and he’s probably right.
Hobbies
Relaxing
Chilling
Letting me misquote him
Chihuahua
Three inches tall and attached to a hook, Chihuahua is Miss V’s most prized animal. The one time she “accidentally” tore its hook off, she screamed until it was sewn back on.
Hobbies
Yapping
Getting lost in small spaces
Appearing suddenly at the dinner table
Fluffy Bear
Scary’s long-lost and much fluffier twin, Fluffy lived seven years in Ireland with our granny. Shipped to LBHQ after her death last year, Fluffy is perpetually catatonic. He uses his mind (presumably under Granny’s control) to make things go bump in the night. I am totally freaked out by him.
Hobbies
Staring
Listening
Plotting
Dolly
My sometimes-but-mostly-not girlfriend, Dolly often gets lost in the toybox. Her open-minded attitude toward interspecies coupling lends refreshing perspective to LBHQ. Because she is a proven furvert, I’m including her with the animals.
Hobbies
Sarcasm alternated with confusingly genuine affection
Like anyone with a shred of common sense, I am freaking terrified of Martha Stewart. Just one glimpse of her faux-smile-concealing-untold-depths-of-cruelty and I get the shakes. So it’s no surprise that Martha knows how to make some scary cocktails, even if she doesn’t know she isn’t exactly pulling off that haircut any more (that’s for my Nana, who pretty much digs Martha except for the ‘do).
Liquorstore Bear 