My family seems possessed by grocery shopping. While our liquor supplies languish pathetically, they constantly introduce new solid foods to the house. Bran flakes, chicken broth, peanut butter, pasta, almonds—it’s like a cult of macronutrients.
Do we really need all this solid food?
In an effort to get my parents to pinch off more than a few budgetary dollars each week for alcohol, I delved into the science of nutrition. And good news, my fellow inebriates! It turns out you can get all 13 essential minerals from alcoholic drinks.
Potassium
People typically find this necessary electrolyte in foods such as bananas, tomatoes and potatoes. What about a Bloody Mary with a banana schnapps chaser? Tada!
Chlorine
Without chlorine, the stomach can’t produce acid, nor can the cells conduct their osmotic functions optimally. Put some salt around the rim of that margarita glass.
Sodium
Working in tandem with potassium, sodium is necessary to regulate adenosine triphosphate, a critical factor in intracellular energy transfer. The best way to get it is to include salt with those tequila shots.
Calcium
This workhorse mineral builds bone, supports blood cell synthesis, and is crucial for muscular, cardiovascular and digestive health. Alcoholics need even more calcium than regular people because their damaged livers have difficulty converting vitamin D to the active form necessary for absorbing calcium. This makes Bailey’s Irish Cream important.
Phosphorus
Another component of bones, phosphorus is involved in multiple bodily functions, and found in grains such as oats, wheat and rice. Sounds like beer!
Magnesium
Another mineral that works with a buddy (calcium), magnesium contributes to bone health and ATP functions. Sources include nuts and cocoa. I’m thinking crème de cacao.
Zinc
Your body needs traces of zinc to manufacture important enzymes such as liver alcohol dehydrogenase, responsible for processing alcohol. (Did you know your body makes its own continuous supply of alcohol? You need zinc to break it down.) You can find zinc in an array of foods. How about a whiskey?
Iron
Traces of iron keep anemia at bay. Guinness has famously been prescribed to maintain iron levels (and B vitamins).
Manganese
Another player in enzymatic functions, manganese turns up in many foods, notably grains such as spelt and brown rice. How about some sake?
Copper
Just a trace keeps your body happily making enzymes. Nuts, seeds and grains such as barley contain copper, making beer your metabolic best friend.
Iodine
A tiny amount prevents goiter and boosts the immune, salivary and digestive systems while conferring some antioxidant benefits. Make your daiquiri strawberry, and don’t forget to salt the rim.
Selenium
This trace mineral combats oxidative DNA damage—the sort of free-radical damage that occurs when you pummel your liver regularly. Nuts are a good source—what better excuse to dive into the macadamia nut liqueur?
Molybdenum
If you want to continue catalyzing oxygen, you need a teeny tiny trace of molybdenum. And that’s what a Bloody Caesar is for. 😉
Liquorstore Bear 
Haha. This is brilliant. An excuse for everything.
After we got our taxes done yesterday, my husband went to the liquor store and got a bottle of St. Germaine, which I seem to recall is made out of flowers or something. Surely that must have some healthful benefits. Smelling it was the most tempted I’ve been to drink since being pregnant. Oh, I will hold out!
I’ve never tried St. Germaine. Nobody here ever buys interesting liqueurs; they are all about the sure thing. I can imagine it’s tempting 😉
This is the best thing I’ve seen since discovering Sapporo Black last week. Watch out USDA food pyramid!!
Oh, I wouldn’t ever advise eating solid food!
What about fruit that’s been soaked in vodka?! Tough call …
Oh, you’re right! Pardon me, how could I forget about Yukka Flux, especially being a Canadian bear? Yes, soaking fruit in hard liquor makes the fruit worth eating. Absolut(e)ly.