Check it out, my fellow inebriates…there’s this dude in Iowa who’s giving everything up for Lent except beer.
And to my parents: Tell me why we’re behaving so godlessly?? We could be doing this too.
What the hell don’t we like about Catholicism??
Oh. Right.
Dan Lacey’s painting of then-Cardinal Ratzinger wearing pancake vestments
But we totally like Dan Lacey’s painting.
My Fellow Inebriates,
For those of you still eating solid foods, here’s a fantastic way to include alcohol in your Mardi Gras pancakes:
Here goes…
In a small saucepan, heat the syrup and butter, stirring until the butter melts. Then REMOVE AND LET SIT FOR 5 MINUTES while your mother finishes making pancakes or whatever the hell she’s doing.
THIS IS CRITICAL!!! YOU DO NOT WANT THE SYRUP TO BE TOO HOT WHEN YOU ADD THE LIQUOR. YOU DO NOT WANT ONE PRECIOUS MOLECULE TO EVAPORATE. DO NOT GIVE THE ANGELS A SHARE*—WHAT HAVE THEY DONE FOR YOU LATELY ANYWAY?
After five minutes, stir your chosen booze in.
Okay, so now you have a delicious, buttery, booze-enhanced syrup. DO NOT GIVE IT TO THE KIDS—WHAT HAVE THEY DONE FOR YOU LATELY ANYWAY?
And finally, drink the syrup straight pour your syrup over your Mardi Gras feast. Ahhhhhh!!!
Dan Lacey’s painting of then-Cardinal Ratzinger wearing pancake vestments
n
j
lz)My Fellow Inebriates,
It’s that wonderful time of year when Oprah tells us her Favorite Things.
I don’t know about you, but every year I wait with bated breath to hear what new luxuries Oprah’s pushing. She may enjoy mashed potatoes more than she likes vodka, but Oprah knows a thing or two about sybaritic living. Naturally I’m going to hijack her annual merchandising love fest, plunder it for keywords and tags, borrow her unauthorized image, and share some things I’d like to give and receive this season. So without further ado…
Oddly enough, many people don’t possess a flask. What a great gift for that closet drinker at your office, that frustrated parent at the playground…or you? And there’s nothing like Montgomery Scott to give you a warm, fuzzy feeling about secretive drinking.
Star Trek flask from CBS Store, $26.95
The Apocalypse is a mere 25 days away, but you might want to hedge your bets and send out Christmas cards anyway.
Set of 10 “Obama O Come Let Us Adore Him” Nativity Cards by Dan Lacey, $20.00
And if that doesn’t remind you of the reason for the season, get your hairy mitts on a T-shirt from The Oatmeal.
Glow-in-the-dark Wookiee Jesus T-shirt from The Oatmeal, $18.99
For friends who don’t find Jell-O shots sufficiently harsh and enjoy an additional suggestion of illicit behavior, how about some syringe-shaped shots? Just squirt the shot into your mouth. Ahh!
EZ Inject Jell-O Shot Injectors, $32.95
For those friends who need a reminder where those shots will take them…
Toilet shot glasses, bringing you full circle from that moment someone said, “Hey, let’s do some shots!” $9.95
And for friends planning a visit to Walmart in hopes someone will snap a picture…
This festive plush Santa hat features three elastic holders for shots. You supply your own alcohol and crazed expression. $9.99
And for friends who are already featured among the People of Walmart…
Redneck wine glass, $15.00
Typically on Christmas morning we’re so busy tearing open gifts that we forget about the stockings, and then we get some lovely little surprises. This item isn’t really for drinking, but it contains 62% alcohol, and most of us could use it now and then.
Maybe? $5.45
But as charming as stocking stuffers are, there’s nothing like a go-for-broke, over-the-top present under the tree.
Just fill the ingenious Margarita Mixed Drink Machine with liquor, juice, and mixer and it’ll produce 48 perfectly blended combinations. Hit the “I Feel Lucky” button and get a surprise! $299.00
Anybody would feel lucky to get such a wondrous machine, but yes, Virginia, there are still more rarefied objects of desire in the merchandising world. Does Oprah, I wonder, have this unusual item…?
Yes, my fellow inebriates, it’s the world’s strongest beer! Weighing in at 55% alcohol, and with each bottle lovingly nested inside a dead animal (stoat, squirrel, or rabbit), The End of History is “a perfect conceptual marriage between taxidermy, art and craft brewing.”
You know you want it people, and it’s just $765.
What a whirlwind of shopping! It must be so exhausting to be Oprah Winfrey. In fact, I have only enough energy to do it once a year. Cheers, my friends, and may you revel in these luxuries, whether choosing them for a loved one or wishing for them among your own holiday gifts. My fondest hopes go with you on your gift-buying forays.
♦ ♦ ♦
Liquorstore Bear 