My fellow inebriates,

It’s come to my attention that people are using vodka to make hand sanitizer.

This appalling waste of good liquor has prompted me to end my hiatus and tackle some rampant myths.

1. “The stores are out of hand sanitizer, so I need to buy it on Amazon for $400 or make my own.”

Wrong. Purell has stepped up production. Soon you’ll have all the hand sanitizer you want.

But it’s still not as effective as washing your hands with soap.

2. “Hand sanitizer is the best thing for killing viruses such as COVID-19.”

Wrong. Hand sanitizer is for situations where soap and water aren’t available or convenient. The Center for Disease Control recommends washing with soap because it’s more effective.

3. “I feel like I need hand sanitizer anyway, so I’m going to make my own with vodka.”

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. For one thing, hand sanitizer is made with a solution of at least 60% alcohol, and as my parents have reminded me many times, it’s not the drinking kind. The higher the alcohol percentage, the more effective hand sanitizer is – which means your 80-proof vodka isn’t going to cut it. Better save that Grey Goose and its yummy 40% alcohol for a martini.

So that’s my public service for today, my fellow inebriates. Don’t waste your vodka, and wash your hands. Of course, that’s useless advice for me, a furry bear. I’m going to stop “Purell tasting” and make myself scarce before my mum puts me in the washing machine.