My Fellow Inebriates,
My mum has unequivocally entered her mid-40s. Check out the gift I wanted to get her but didn’t actually get around to buying:
Four shot glasses. Because she’s 44.
Now you may think 44 is old, and I’d agree with you, but my mother was characteristically touchy about it.
ME: “So, what are we toasting with?”
MUM: “Nothing, I have to work.”
ME: “I mean later.”
MUM: “Nothing, I have to work all day.”
ME: “To earn money for liquor?”
ME: “Or to earn money for some weird-ass endangered-animal secretion that you can smooth on your saggy skin?”
MUM: “I know of only one endangered animal. And its secretions are odious.”
My Fellow Inebriates,
Today Scary and I resigned ourselves to the worst. Our good friend Glen, family member since 2004, is not here. He’s not in the house. He’s not at school. He’s not at a neighbor’s. He’s not at Nana & Papa’s. He’s just gone.
What made him leave, we’ll never know. Perhaps if we’d noticed, we could have stopped him. But, heavily insulated as he is, he padded out of LBHQ unheard and unseen, and disappeared forever.
Scary says he’s probably been shot with a crossbow. He says that’s what happens to polar bears who enter Walmart-shadowed suburban areas. No one would have called the SPCA, but somebody with a big-ass truck and a hundred tats would have jumped on the chance to take down an amazing animal like Glen.
Good-bye bear bounding off to his den
And his winter fur
Good-bye furry mug
Good-bye old lug
Good-bye to the bear we used to hug
♥ ♥ ♥
“Of my friend I can only say this: Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most…ursine.”
♦ ♦ ♦
“I can’t ever drink vodka again. Vodka was Glen’s favorite. It’s just too painful.”
◊ ◊ ◊
Said Carnivorous Duck:
“You had it right the first time. I ate him.”
For the 46th anniversary of Star Trek (which we are rabid about at LBHQ) I borrowed my friend Scarybear’s head.
At least he’s not wearing a red shirt. He looks like he could use some Romulan Ale. (Couldn’t we all?) Not that Everclear, Bacardi 151, and Blue Curacao an ale make, but we should drink it anyway.
Failing that, we should just buy some crappy blue beer. Reviewers say it tastes like ass, but just for today…
This isn’t the first time I’ve borrowed Scary’s head. I know he won’t mind seeing this again: