schnapps

ASTROLIQUOR for March 15-21—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’ll have temper flare-ups this week—in other words, the usual. If you suppress your rage, your friends and family may not notice, but of course you’ll end up constipated and boiling over with high blood pressure. You could go for a long walk to work your stress out. But why not just pour yourself a belt of Cutty Sark and Jim Beam? Try four ounces each.

Taurus, wine will transform your life this week. Maybe you put away a couple of bottles, or maybe you get giddy after one glass. No matter—this week wine will sharpen your wit (at least from your perspective) and draw a charismatic Sagittarius into your orbit. Stock up on apple brandy so you can pour it on your pancakes the next morning.

Household stress is in the stars, Gemini. Could be domestic unrest; could be challenging renovations or moving. The stars don’t have the details. Stay away from irritating people, count to ten when you encounter stupid douchebaggery, and generally avoid going out, because that’s where people are. Mix a big Bear with Orange Balls and nurse it all day.

Cancer, your emotional side has become finely honed. December to February almost caused a psychotic break, but you’ve come through it with more insights than ever about yourself and what you want. Now it’s time to take action. But first, a little celebration of your breakthrough…brandy and champagne.

Leo, get busy with real estate decisions, renovations, or risky financial manoeuvres. You are slowly losing your mind to Southern Comfort, so take action while you can. Older women may help you with your efforts. Listen to them; they are wiser than you and much more sober, plus they will give you sympathy even when you’re embarrassing yourself.

Usually skeptical about astrology, Virgo, this week you have a lapse and delve heavily into the subject, along with other paranormal subjects. Have a seance and invite all the dead people you know. If this creeps you out, get drunk first on Bailey’s and blackberry schnapps. You may not attract spirits, but who needs them when you’ve got spirits in your cup?

Libra, your normally fine memory is on the fritz. Too much peppermint schnapps, perhaps? Or simply lack of concentration? You may be having trouble focusing on other people’s conversations, thinking them too boring, but what you don’t know (and the stars do) is that other people are sick of you passing out after barfing on their carpets.

Bad news continues to dog you, Scorpio, as yet another good friend comes down with an illness. This time it’s not syphilis, but it is serious. Take your friend some hot rum and learn all about the sickness. Maybe you can help and/or ingratiate yourself sufficiently to get into the will. Don’t forget to get some fresh air and shake off that hospital funk.

Sagittarius, make the effort to see an old friend with whom you’ve lost touch. Good friendships are important, and let’s face it, it’s hard to make new ones when you’re constantly staggering around with a gin buzz. You may feel physically weak, but it’s nothing serious—just the usual dehydration and morning shakes. Keep your bar stocked so you can get on top of it in the morning.

Take it easy this week, Capricorn. You are seriously overstrained with worry and activity—perhaps even a touch of scurvy. Start incorporating vitamin C–rich juice into your bar drinks, but don’t forget the applejack brandy. Expect a Facebook friend request from a flaky character who reminds you of some sordid escapades from your past. Will you accept? (The stars don’t know.)

Aquarius, your spending is out of control. Do you really need all those artisanal spirits? You’re mainly just reeling around your house in a thong, right? Try getting by with just a couple of staples—say, Malibu and vodka. Skulk around the supermarket and find some discount fruit that’s not rotten yet. Soak it in vodka. Ahhh! Budget breakfast.

Pisces, your emotions clobber you this week with unexpected intensity, creating drama for all those around you. Big emotions frighten you and other people, so practise repressing them. Find a project, such as perfecting the Bloody Mary, and devote yourself to it. The stars don’t want you to be a nuisance to others.

ASTROLIQUOR for March 8-14—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, it’s time to mend a relationship. The conflict started out small, but then you were a dickhead and exaggerated the situation. Now you need to pocket your pride. This is embarrassing, so you’ll do well to eliminate any inhibitions. With what? you ask. Why, with Jack Daniel’s and blackberry brandy in equal parts. Not at work, though—the stars are already forecasting a crappy performance review.

Taurus, your ability to focus abandons you. You’ll spend at least four hours this week watching people do the Harlem Shake and hunting through YouTube for philosophy lectures that bolster the weird-ass stuff you already believe in. Go out and have fun instead. The stars encourage incorporating Midori Melon into all your activities, as long as they get you out of the house.

Stock up on beer and potato chips, Gemini—you’re having a house party this week. Play some good music and people will show up by the dozen. Watch out for a Libra—a totally wrecked Libra. You’ll want to keep this person out of trouble. Pull him/her aside and have a real conversation about something important to you. Not only will you start a solid friendship; you’ll have someone to help you clean up later.

Cancer, the stars call for communication and negotiation with an emphasis on finance. You’ll be assertive and effective. You may well wonder: What place does alcohol have in this? The stars say “no place,” but who says you have to listen to the stars? They are very distant balls of exploding gas, and they know ^&*$@!* about your life. Pour some watermelon schnapps and tell the stars to kiss your ass.

Leo, get serious about finance and household matters. Buy some real estate, perhaps, or some throw pillows. If you fix up your surroundings you’ll feel like having visitors (the stars say “older women”). Moreover, you’ll get sympathy without having to act like a jerk. Of course all this civility will run its course and end with several ounces of Bailey’s dropped into a pitcher of lager.

As a Virgo you tend to be a pragmatist—but not this week. Get your paranormal/ astrological/ metaphysical game on. You could take a course and earn credentials similar to Sylvia Browne’s (or, since those would be “zero,” you could study some old metaphysics texts). This is not incompatible with drinking tequila, but it will mess up your workout at the gym. No-brainer: tequila.

Libra, you’ll experience memory dropouts commensurate with the amount of cognac that’s mysteriously disappeared from your bar. Yes, you bottomed out, Libra, and you can’t remember any of it. This will make friends and relatives laugh at you, and you will probably get fired, especially if you are an air traffic controller. Sounds like a reasonable week.

You get some bad health-related news about a friend, Scorpio. This person used to be in kick-ass shape, but you just can’t neglect a thing like syphilis indefinitely. Your friend is in trouble, and you’d better visit. Not that you have to avoid the subject. Your friend will love talking frankly with you, especially if come stocked with sloe gin, banana liqueur, vodka, triple sec, and Southern Comfort.

Sagittarius, those benders have been keeping you from a robust social life. Friends are starting to resent your no-shows—but not as much as they resent you breathing next-day Green Chartreuse all over them when you do make an appearance. If you feel too sick to address your social shortcomings, give yourself a week or so. But do keep up with old friends, because you’re not exactly making new ones.

Take it easy this week, Capricorn. Your body is wrecked after weeks of slamming blended whiskey and rum. If you don’t know how to relax, try modelling your behavior after someone you consider especially indolent. If you fake being a lazy douche for long enough, the next thing you know, you’ll actually be one, and then you’ll have arrived. Pour yourself some creme de cacao.

Aquarius, you suck at minding your finances, but your bank account is going critical, so it wouldn’t hurt to set a budget. No more fancy vodka for you; buy a plastic-jug brand. You’ll probably use the money you save to go on an expensive date rather than actually banking it, but that’s okay; you need human contact. Too bad the person is sketchy and knows where you live.

Pisces, strong emotions take over this week, leaving you barely able to function. This is what happens when you ingest nothing but rye with Tang® all week; you’re reduced to a snivelling ruin. Talk about your feelings, but not with people you know. Try people on the subway or in other confined spaces from which they can’t run away immediately. What you say is disturbing, but you need to say it. Remember life is beautiful, even if you’re not the most beautiful component of it.

ASTROLIQUOR for February 22 to March 1, already in progress

My  Fellow Inebriates,

You’ve been operating three days now without a booze horoscope and, while I would never say you’re drinking the wrong beverages, the stars are assholish and would rather you did their bidding. Now, if only the stars could get my typist to generate a horoscope on time. Apparently my parents are too busy “working for money” to rescue my paws from a near-impossible typing chore.

Aries:

Melon liqueur and tequila means spring is coming (unless you live down under, in which case, drink it anyway). Add some grapefruit juice, a lime slice, and a cherry. Complete meal.

Taurus:

Got 1.75 L of Everclear? You might if you don’t live in Canada (sigh). Jack that shit up with Red Bull, Country Tyme, and 24 cans of cheap hockey beer. Take Monday off work.

Gemini:

Grapefruit soda goes great with Beefeater. But Beefeater’s even better by itself.

Cancer:

You get to be the designated driver this week. Don’t worry, I know how it feels—LBHQ is dry right now.

Leo:

Why eat blueberry muffins when you can combine blueberry and vanilla vodka? That’s breakfast, all week long.

Virgo:

You deserve some rich, boozy dessert: Kahlua, vodka, and Bailey’s, blended up with some actual ice cream, milk, and ice. OMG, that sounds good, especially without the ice cream, milk, and ice.

Libra:

Another elaborate and silly drink for you. Hollow out some kind of tropical fruit. Fill it with amaretto, rum, and pineapple juice (that’s it! use the pineapple).

Scorpio:

It’s a boozy week and we need another designated driver. Tag, you’re it! You get to drink a nice wholesome milkshake while watching pals get pissed.

Sagittarius:

The stars like to experiment on you, Sag. Equal parts Bailey’s, Blue Curacao, and Pernod. OMG, what the hell will that even look like?

Capricorn:

The stars double-dare you this week. Firewater cinnamon schnapps + Tequila Rose strawberry cream liqueur = hell knows what. Lucky you.

Aquarius:

Bacardi with random juice for you. How about raspberry and orange? Another fine breakfast.

Pisces:

I just discovered they make root beer schnapps. Exactly why, who knows, but the stars want you to mix it up with Orange Crush, take your swampwater to a movie, and make a public nuisance of yourself. In other words, the usual.