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ASTROLIQUOR for October 26 to November 1—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’re back to your pissed-off self, and some poor sap is irritating you. He/she isn’t even doing anything! It’s all you, Aries, so get your anger management on. Mellow out with some apple brandy or rum. Call a Capricorn friend to chat (don’t yell). Buy a small present for someone. Whatever you do, stay away from rowdy bars; you don’t need any more stitches.

Taurus, you’ll have a three-way with a married couple on your next holiday, a moral lapse preceded this week by an unfortunate mixture of Jagermeister, Monster, Sunny D, and root beer. This combo makes you lose your mind and throw away all your discretion, paving the way for a holiday orgy so publicly lewd that you’ll never live it down. Nice going.

You’re preoccupied with mating this week, Gemini, and love is optional. Another Gemini grabs your attention, but you don’t have much luck with same-sign hook-ups. This one’s no exception; it will fizzle quickly, leaving your mind abuzz with prickly resentment. Nothing helps this problem more than Wild Turkey with Drambuie.

Cancer, your calendar feels packed, but is your problem a full dance card or just disorganization? If you take a look you’ll realize you’re not planning properly. You’re saying yes to every trivial thing that comes up and letting people waste your time. No wonder you have no time to get loaded. Take time out for a luxury Champagne this week and tell everyone to get stuffed.

Leo, the stars are vaguely predicting an enriching experience for you…say, sometime in the next three weeks. Expect to become more attuned—not just to your five senses but to the paranormal. The portal to enlightenment is, perhaps predictably, Blue Curacao with Malibu. Although you’ll perceive all kinds of crazy shit this week, your mental state is surprisingly healthy.

Melon liqueur, white creme de cacao, and milk. Your mixology continues to reveal a slight mental imbalance, Virgo. Consider hitting the psychiatrist’s couch, taking up yoga, or getting on a plane to Tibet. Or maybe just go and observe the People of Walmart. They won’t harm you and they’ll probably go out for drinks with you. Open your mind.

Libra, the stars like you this week. You have a lot of influence over people, which increases your social sphere. Ties with your partner are strong, with Thursday your best day for communication. Your power week takes you to the heights and then drops you like a rock. You descend into a binge featuring red wine and vodka—combined. Yikes, the stars are mean.

Someone is pressuring you, Scorpio, but you don’t have to give in. Did you give in when they told you not to make a big vat of white rum, tequila, peach schnapps, triple sec, and Bacardi 151? Did you give in when they said you couldn’t have that big vat in the office lunchroom? Did you give in when they said you couldn’t sleep beside the photocopier? Hell, no.

Sagittarius, your work is in the doldrums and you don’t know why. (It’s boring.) Your brain checks out of meetings, pondering cocktail onions and the comparative merits of sweet and dry vermouth. Perhaps you should talk to your colleagues. They might be able to make your days more interesting, or at least recommend a good gin for your flask.

You’ll have a drastic change of opinion about a work project, Capricorn. You’re horrified at how sluggish your pace has been, the slackers who surround you, and the dried vomit in your third drawer down. This is what happens when you do the unthinkable, Capricorn. You’ve dried out, and the world looks ugly. But at least you can be the DD for your friends.

Aquarius, there’s no use freaking out at coworkers, even if one of them is trying to destroy you. Half the time they’re just as messed up as you—riding the highs and lows between gin-and-tonics and Red Bull. Level out your brain chemicals with some solid food. If you hold it together for the work week, Sunday won’t let you down. But keep your eyes trained at work for that backstabber!

Pisces, a not-unexpected meeting occurs this week. It’s one of those dreadful interventions in which your most beloved relatives and friends tell you what a douche you are. They’ve made a big gathering of it; they’ve got hors d’oeuvres and somebody’s carved pineapples and bananas into special shapes. Your head hurts from this outpouring of love and self-righteousness. But it’s better than that time you spent a night in jail after pissing against a wall.

ASTROLIQUOR for October 12-18—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, maybe the weather’s affecting you, because you’re trading in bar fights for cozy nights at home with a stable partner. Old bar buddies wonder where the hell you are and snipe at you verbally, but for now you’re ignoring their urgings toward the pub. Truth is, you don’t even notice them; you and your “stable partner” have mixed up a vat of Everclear, bourbon, rum, and tequila. You can’t carouse because you can’t move. What a great way to avoid bar fights!

Taurus, last week’s sobriety has left you unsteady and insecure. Lucid brain cells make for too much self-analysis, and for you it’s a full-on identity crisis. Unrest in your love live complicates these turbulent thoughts. OMG, how can we fix this? Got a frozen juice can? Don’t even thaw it; scoop it into a punch bowl, add two cans of rum or vodka, then a bottle of sparkling wine. No more turbulent thoughts for you! No thoughts, even.

Gemini, you’ll make a good impression on a Libra or an Aquarius—someone who loves fashion and accessories. If this sounds worthwhile, give your wardrobe a once-over before the stars start bombarding you with nosy Libras and Aquarians. If you don’t care, stay in your dirty old sweats and spill as much cranberry vodka on them as you like. Let them wonder what the stains are.

Cancer, you find people annoying this week and think everyone’s criticizing you, even when they’re slathering you up with compliments. Friends are in for a rough time. But it’s not you; it’s the stars making you an asshole. Avoid people and seek enlightenment. Everyone knows Jolly Ranchers are the path to the Third Eye. Here’s your recipe:

  • 4 oz cheap vodka
  • 10 oz cheap rum
  • cranberry juice

This tastes exactly like a Jolly Rancher and will keep you from talking to people. Win win!

Leo, you’re dwelling on something that happened in the past, harboring blame toward the people involved. Memory is troublesome this way—how can you move forward when you keep replaying the incident? Pesky brain cells… The second you start fixating, pour yourself a whiskey. Again! Again! What’s your name? How many paws am I holding up? Who are you mad at? Nobody, right?

Virgo, a female acquaintance will enlighten you this week with a small detail about yourself. This new knowledge will disorient you and make you anxious. You’ll need a lot of gin to keep from fretting. Perhaps you should avoid that friend for the time being, in case she has any more informative nuggets. Then again, if she told you your pants were inside out and sported a skid mark, well…you need friends like that.

Libra, you have a relaxing week ahead: friends, entertainment, and joy all come easily, as does effective work. You have flow, and this makes you feel exciting and successful. When you’re in the zone, you attract others. This is an excellent time to have a party. Whatever you do, don’t have a bender alone; socializing is rarely so favored by the stars. Indeed, the stars think you should share your gin.

Communication continues to be positive this week, Scorpio. You have a clear head for articulating your thoughts. Enjoy it, because the stars are threatening you with diplomacy challenges, specifically in your workplace. Better start planning your flask contents! I’m thinking green-apple vodka with apple juice. Who’s gonna tell you that’s not breakfast?

Sagittarius, your chart is tied strongly to Scorpio’s this week. Someone at work has a flask of green-apple vodka and isn’t sharing. So you smile, hoping to get some. The Scorpio takes this as a come-on. Now you have an awkward situation and you still haven’t got any vodka. Better mix your own awesome flask.

Your charisma is extra-shiny this week, Capricorn. Entertaining and humorous, you have friends and acquaintances rapt, making them ripe for manipulation. Don’t do it! Especially that Scorpio with the green-apple vodka—if you even smile, they’re going to think you’re into them. Stay away from Scorpios, vodka, and apples this week. The only friend you need is Jose Cuervo.

Aquarius, you’ll shine this week, but you may become exhausted as everyone looks to you for wisdom and assistance. That’s the problem with sobriety; it improves your coordination, balance, clarity, and intelligence—then all your drunk friends ask you to operate their power tools and write their theses. Take yourself out of the equation:

  • 3 oz vodka
  • 1 oz brandy
  • 1 oz cherry brandy

There. You should be useless now. If not, have another.

Pisces, the stars are calling for sexy time with a Virgo. You don’t normally think of yourself as a sex object (even when you were in jail those sexy times didn’t seem so sexy). But this Virgo is very precious to you, so try to toss those inhibitions. You’ll get a confidence boost, which will translate indirectly into greater career success. You’ll stop putting Jack Daniel’s in your morning oatmeal, and hello productivity.

5 scary ideas from the freaky mind of Martha Stewart

My Fellow Inebriates,

Like anyone with a shred of common sense, I am freaking terrified of Martha Stewart. Just one glimpse of her faux-smile-concealing-untold-depths-of-cruelty and I get the shakes. So it’s no surprise that Martha knows how to make some scary cocktails, even if she doesn’t know she isn’t exactly pulling off that haircut any more (that’s for my Nana, who pretty much digs Martha except for the ‘do).

Was she hardened by the Inside, or is Martha Stewart just that naturally spine-tingling? Check out some of her creations…

Sinister Cider Cocktail

You need some weird stuff to make this martini, including sanding sugar, whatever that is (is it edible?) plus an apple, if you haven’t crossed over into the liquids-only territory we true alcoholics inhabit.

Lychee and Grape Eyeball Martinis

Martha tells you how to make frightening garnishes, but leaves the martini itself up to us. Let’s mix a triple.

Black Lagoon Cocktail

OMG, some people say this is the stuff that courses through Martha’s veins. But, hey, with four ounces of vodka in it, who’s quibbling?

Swamp Sips

It’s slimy! It’s murky! It’s rimmed with file powder, whatever the hell that is. And it has tequila in it. Gimme that swamp mix.

Pina Ghoulada

This rum-based coconut-cream cocktail is designed to appeal to blood-drinking monsters. Martha specifies “good-quality rum.”

Okay. Okay. I, er…OMG, I LOVE Martha Stewart!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT MARTHA STEWART!!! She totally rocks that hairstyle and, OMG, does she ever know how to mix a drink!

I would get hammered with Martha any day. Morning, midnight, whatever.