Hot Lunch returns

The first thing I saw when we hit the playground this morning was this:

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Yes, Hot Lunch is back despite urgings to call it “Fun Lunch” by less innocent members of the school community. Fun Lunch is good, if you care about such things as lunch. Hot Lunch is something utterly different.

It’s Hot Fun Lunch today because it’s also Sports Day. When the kids finish sack-racing and tug-of-warring and something called the shoe relay, they get to have hot pizza instead of resorting to whatever desperate mix of randomness parents like my mother put in their lunch bags. Although Fun Lunch represents a minor shakedown for money that could arguably have been spent on liquor, it gives parents a break from packing lunches and breaks up the monotony for the kids.

Hot Lunch is something utterly different.

Hot Lunch is something utterly different.

I started mentioning this to the kids this morning and was immediately shut down by our mother, who said the information was strictly need-to-know. She then put an oven mitt on my head.

Surrounded by Cuisinart swag

Surrounded by Cuisinart swag. Look how excited I am.

It was a Cuisinart oven mitt, a second generation of the failed Puppet Mitt with Silicone Grip I complained about last week, which had arrived via FedEx with a lovely note encouraging us to enjoy it along with another mitt, a silicone hot mat, a potholder, and a dish towel, all sent by Best Brands, Cuisinart’s manufacturer of said items.

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Truth be told, my parents were one hundred percent more slightly more excited than I at the arrival of free Cuisinart swag. I hadn’t written my letter to Cuisinart with any ulterior intentions of getting free stuff, you see. I was just being a jerk that day and wrote a horrible letter thinking that it would be promptly round-filed.

One good aspect of that horrible letter (aside from the kitchen freebies) was that my mum announced the end of Dry Weekdays. She said obviously I was under a great deal of stress and that she would therefore relent, otherwise I’d end up badgering everyone we’d ever bought something from and being even more of a nuisance than I was already. Booyah!

HUMP! 2012 and its least sexy entry

My Fellow Inebriates,

In last week’s Savage Love column, Dan Savage exhorted readers to submit their entries (pardon the pun) for the annual HUMP! amateur porn contest.

Needless to say, the prospect of $5,000 is pretty compelling. With $5,000 we could buy over 200 cases of beer, which would help me forget the way my parents went to a pub without me two nights ago.

Even though I don’t own a sweater-vest; even though Dolly and I are engaging in hetero-bestiality; and even though we didn’t think to get some packing peanuts from my dad’s massive collection in the garage (my ass is full of walnut shells; does that count?)—despite these shortcomings we have two videos for HUMP!’s consideration. Which one should we submit?

This was our first effort:

 

And then (understandably) Dolly took charge, which led to this:

 

And as you all know, Dolly is done with me. But I don’t think she’ll really be mad if I submit our videos to HUMP!, do you? The question is which one?

 

 

Almost a beer moment

My dad said his golf week wasn’t any fun at all. It was all business all the time except for the one day the team golfed with frigid wind whipping around, plus he was pestered constantly by clients on the phone. He didn’t even break into that cheap Scotch, and when he got home he looked not relaxed but frazzled.

I have to say this made me feel better. (I know, I’m a bad bear.) I was prepared to be very jealous of my dad’s golf-week exploits but instead I felt sorry for him. He looked so downtrodden.

What my dad needed was a Beer Moment. I was reminded of the potency of the Beer Moment by beerbecue just before my dad’s golf trip and immediately began ripping off the idea storyboarding. My mum said she wouldn’t spring for the video upgrade, so I could forget it. My dad said he wasn’t acting in anything, so I could forget that too. Dolly said she wouldn’t be in a video either because our efforts always degenerate into attempted porn.

Being shut down every which way just increased the desire for a Beer Moment. Sigh.