HUMP! 2012 and its least sexy entry

My Fellow Inebriates,

In last week’s Savage Love column, Dan Savage exhorted readers to submit their entries (pardon the pun) for the annual HUMP! amateur porn contest.

Needless to say, the prospect of $5,000 is pretty compelling. With $5,000 we could buy over 200 cases of beer, which would help me forget the way my parents went to a pub without me two nights ago.

Even though I don’t own a sweater-vest; even though Dolly and I are engaging in hetero-bestiality; and even though we didn’t think to get some packing peanuts from my dad’s massive collection in the garage (my ass is full of walnut shells; does that count?)—despite these shortcomings we have two videos for HUMP!’s consideration. Which one should we submit?

This was our first effort:


And then (understandably) Dolly took charge, which led to this:


And as you all know, Dolly is done with me. But I don’t think she’ll really be mad if I submit our videos to HUMP!, do you? The question is which one?



The 6-year-old take on interspecies relationships

Unfamiliar, at age six, with the term “bestiality,” little Miss P can nevertheless identify a mismatched couple when she sees one. Thus we have the following pic of Dolly:

And yours truly:

I don’t have a chance at making this work.

Hottest Girls? OMG, I just want a cuddle

My Plenty of Fish profile doesn’t seem to be attracting many interested females. Only one person has viewed it, and my sole message comes from the administrator, Markus, who assures me that most POF users make a connection by the seventh date.

He emphasizes that uploading a picture guarantees TEN times the response rate. (I did upload a pic! Why isn’t it working?)

He cautions that if I am a jerk or upload nude images I will be banned. Since I am always nude, I will have to be careful.

I did another test, the “needs test,” which corroborated that I do not have a sense of where I’m headed in life and that I am in a state of personal and professional flux. On a positive note, I like experimenting with new experiences. (I agree with this but would prefer the new experiences to come in a bottle.)

I’m not really sure if POF is the right fit for me. There are A LOT of women looking for partners and—as evidenced by the “Hottest Girls” tab—POF is trying hard to pull in some male members (no pun intended). That may be why my profile continues to exist—if they don’t ban me, they can count me as one male among the sizeable minority they are trying to increase. Wow! I feel wanted!

My mother says POF needs to figure out its identity crisis and realize that “Want a Girl Tonight?” ads send the wrong message to the sizeable majority of female POF users, and that low-rent campaigns like this one effectively weed out women with healthy self-esteem and standards.

My mum’s been married almost a decade and acknowledges she is commenting as an outsider—a lucky outsider. She says I should let her put me in the washing machine so I can smell like Fleecy and win Dolly back.