My Fellow Inebriates,
In last week’s Savage Love column, Dan Savage exhorted readers to submit their entries (pardon the pun) for the annual HUMP! amateur porn contest.
Needless to say, the prospect of $5,000 is pretty compelling. With $5,000 we could buy over 200 cases of beer, which would help me forget the way my parents went to a pub without me two nights ago.
Even though I don’t own a sweater-vest; even though Dolly and I are engaging in hetero-bestiality; and even though we didn’t think to get some packing peanuts from my dad’s massive collection in the garage (my ass is full of walnut shells; does that count?)—despite these shortcomings we have two videos for HUMP!’s consideration. Which one should we submit?
This was our first effort:
And then (understandably) Dolly took charge, which led to this:
And as you all know, Dolly is done with me. But I don’t think she’ll really be mad if I submit our videos to HUMP!, do you? The question is which one?
Liquorstore Bear 
Oh. Em. Gee. I feel so dirty. Also, LB, I really love that the kids were around when you filmed this debauchery. I guess CPS is a bit more lax in Canada.
It does seem nastier now that it’s public. That thing’s been sitting on the hard drive for a couple of years now. It’s okay to vote for option 3. I think I would, actually.
OMG! I tried to vote for one, but I couldn’t do it. It was making me feel too creepy. Although, props on your first productions. Bold. I would have preferred a little plot, though. Like LB delivering a pizza to Dolly, or some other similar encounter that almost always realistically leads to sex.
It’s okay to vote for option 3, dude. Don’t worry, I know the truth (Dolly would vote for option 3 if she knew it was on YouTube).