Yukon Jack

ASTROLIQUOR for June 22-28—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Time to get your finances in order, Aries—lenders and your boss are looking at you favorably. You might get a raise or even a promotion, but you’ll need some energy to prove yourself. This calls for “flask modification”—switch out the vodka for a Red Bull/cognac combination. You’ll be up for any challenge, and the cognac will make you smell like money, which will attract money. You bet.

Taurus, an unexpected visitor will keep you busy this week. But don’t worry—this Virgo won’t try to turn you into his/her bitch; instead you’ll go on a breathless adventure involving all sorts of new liquor combinations. Have you ever tried a Smeghead? Doesn’t it sound yummy? Your friend will teach you how to make it.(Stock up on Jagermeister and Malibu.)

It’s okay to fall down, Gemini, and it’s absolutely inevitable given the amount of Captain Morgan in your system. Acting on impulse will pay off through most of August. Your memory won’t be the best, though! Make sure you write down all the zany ideas that occur to you while you’re lurching around.

You’ll have a sexy dream this week, Cancer, featuring someone you didn’t even realize was on your mind. Basking in this dream at work, you’ll screw up a whole bunch of accounts and find yourself on the ropes. Oh no! Rein your hormones in or you’ll be escorted out of the building with a cardboard box. I see you pounding Jack Daniels with a macro beer on the floor, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Leo, whether it’s Farmville, Ravenskye, or some other dumb Facebook game, it’s obsessing you these days. These games steal valuable time from you and leave you mentally drained without being edified. You need to switch the program—your program! Your assignment is to get a very large ice-filled container and pour 12 beers into it, a can of frozen lemonade, and half a 26er of gin. Okay, now polish it off. That should break the computer-game cycle.

You have to deal with some bureaucratic douchebaggery this week, Virgo, possibly involving insurance and your insurer’s unwillingness to cover a questionable incident. The stars are pessimistic about the outcome, and you may decide not to continue paying premiums for coverage that’s so readily denied. Use the money to buy brandy and interesting liqueurs like Benedictine. You know—the products that led to the questionable incident in the first place.

Libra, you’re hanging on to negative emotions long after friends had assumed you’d moved on. Try withdrawing from the social scene for a while so you can sort your head out. Sleep in; write your thoughts down; figure out what you need to say to others to free yourself from the negativity. When you’re ready, mix a pitcher of Hawaiian Punch spiked with Bacardi 151, Hypnotiq, and Malibu. Slam the whole thing, then have a confrontation.

You think you know yourself so well, Scorpio, but sometimes you’re mistaken. How much of your life has actually been according to plan? Have you chosen your friends carefully, or have they chosen you? Slow down this summer to reflect on big questions involving friends, career, and relationships. If you listen to the universe, a little impulse will come to you—go with it! It will feature mandarin liqueur, so you should trust where it takes you.

Sagittarius, you have some idiot colleagues who continually screw up and drag you into their mess. You’d think they were the ones who were drunk, but no—it’s you. How do you work competently when you start sipping 151-proof rum for breakfast? You must be very tough, or very lucky. Either way, don’t let your dumbass coworkers get to you. If you dwell on them, you’ll kill your buzz and start fixating on past grief or other negative crap. Add some rye to your rum to maintain your happy state.

Have you ever investigated your family history, Capricorn? Even though you probably don’t want to be like your parents, knowing your past might help you avoid what you consider to be their mistakes. Did they throw raspberry liqueur and amaretto all over their pancakes before work and call it “adventurous cuisine” rather than “drinking at breakfast”? Did they do the grocery shopping hammered on hard cider? You might be just like them, and you should find out. BTW, you’ll get lucky on Thursday when you fall down in the frozen foods aisle.

Aquarius, you may have more money these days, but you’re also spending more and having trouble pacing yourself. In fact, you might be one of those people who needs to be paid daily rather than bi-weekly, just because you’ll immediately blow the cash on Yukon Jack. I know, it’s unreasonable to ease off on the booze, but maybe you could sell your car. You never get to drive it anyway because you’re always pissed.

Pisces, friends are smarting from your criticism and describing you with words like “dick,” “tool,” and “asstard.” Try backing off when you get the impulse to express a negative opinion; give yourself a day to consider the best way to word it constructively. Try listening, letting the other person talk first, and agreeing to disagree. Even if they never taught you these skills in jail, give it a shot. If it’s too much for you, stay home with a blender and some Blue Curacao.

ASTROLIQUOR for April 13-20—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’re into everybody else’s business, Aries, with a strange and manic new angle: temperance. At first you’ll be surprised how much detail you remember about other people’s lives when you’re not blasted out of your noodle. You’ll appreciate the peace that comes from a non-throbbing head. You’ll even go for a jog or some such lunacy. Know that this madness will pass. You will start to miss seeing people through beer goggles.

Taurus, it’s not a week for romance. And yet it seems as though the whole world is rutting. Coworkers are getting it on in a closet somewhere, sending out reeking pheromones. Somehow you feel you should get in on this—yet you know it would be a mistake. Stay the course for one more week. You can have fun all by yourself with some vodka, Kahlua, and creme de menthe.

Your professional life takes a back seat to socializing, Gemini, giving you a sense of being on holiday even while at your desk. Your brain is certainly on vacation, but your boss doesn’t care because he/she knows how smart you can be when you’re not loaded. But what on earth would possess you to combine red wine and Coca-Cola? Never mind—just do it.

A highly emotional week is on tap, Cancer. One second you’re crying, the next you’re laughing. If that doesn’t demote your credibility enough, you could recite some of your secret poems or bestow flowers on someone you’ve been stalking. What’s the fuel for all this emotive spew? Why, Jack Daniel’s and Yukon Jack in equal parts. You can’t have that for breakfast without results.

Leo, early in the week a close friend surprises you with something small. Even if it’s just a flower, it makes your day. So uplifting is the simple gesture that you spread it on to others—that’s you buying the shots! Next thing you know your head is full of tequila and everyone loves everyone else. Not bad.

Virgo, your tendency to tell it like it is means an awkward moment for a Pisces or Gemini in your social circle. This person is not into you now, but if you hang in there things could change. But don’t obsess! People will start noticing and call the police. My wisest suggestion would be to hole up at home with some blueberry schnapps. That way you’ll be occupied drinking and occupied barfing later.

Libra, this is not a good time for thinking. Simply put, you are a total airhead this week. Do nothing financial. Do nothing mechanical. Let the world go on with its business while you make a fantastic punch:

  • 3 cups Everclear
  • 3 cups vodka
  • 3 cups peach schnapps
  • 1.5 cups Malibu
  • 1 gallon Hawaiian Punch

This doesn’t have to be for you only. Go ahead—invite a couple of friends. One of them will give you a hickey.

Take care of yourself, Scorpio. You’ve been working like crazy, pursuing change in your life, but don’t forget about your health. Scorpios have a tendency to let their own intensity magnify until it explodes. Try yoga or, if you think that’s totally lame, a fruity drink. Fruity drinks make people feel relaxed. Think Bacardi white rum and White Curacao and…I don’t know, fruit of some kind.

Sagittarius, you’re zeroing in on some bigtime work success, but you mustn’t force things. Sometimes it’s better not to try. This is as true of flirtations as it is the office. If you try too hard romantically, you might get arrested again. Keep your flask full of apple brandy and Cointreau; it’ll mellow you out.

It’s all about love this week, Capricorn, even if you’re more focused on the romantic aspect than the getting with. Opportunities present from all sides, producing the same sort of paralysis that comes over shoppers in the vodka aisle. So much selection, so little time. So close your eyes and pick one! Do it! That takes care of the vodka side of it. Now choose a person to share it with.

Aquarius, you need to keep up with laundry, showers, and personal hygiene. That smell on you isn’t “musk.” Don’t be fooled into thinking vodka has no odor. It may not, but you marinated in vodka are quite another matter. Vodka is awesome, though. If you stroll through the vodka aisle you may meet a Capricorn who’s into sharing.

Pisces, your stars are increasingly significant now through November. You feel a strong influence to change your life profoundly. You may move, perhaps even out of jail. You may find a new job or even, simply, a job. Whatever you do, follow your passion. Live large and skip the Bud. You deserve some Mozart chocolate liqueur.