My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Time to get your finances in order, Aries—lenders and your boss are looking at you favorably. You might get a raise or even a promotion, but you’ll need some energy to prove yourself. This calls for “flask modification”—switch out the vodka for a Red Bull/cognac combination. You’ll be up for any challenge, and the cognac will make you smell like money, which will attract money. You bet.
Taurus, an unexpected visitor will keep you busy this week. But don’t worry—this Virgo won’t try to turn you into his/her bitch; instead you’ll go on a breathless adventure involving all sorts of new liquor combinations. Have you ever tried a Smeghead? Doesn’t it sound yummy? Your friend will teach you how to make it.(Stock up on Jagermeister and Malibu.)
It’s okay to fall down, Gemini, and it’s absolutely inevitable given the amount of Captain Morgan in your system. Acting on impulse will pay off through most of August. Your memory won’t be the best, though! Make sure you write down all the zany ideas that occur to you while you’re lurching around.
You’ll have a sexy dream this week, Cancer, featuring someone you didn’t even realize was on your mind. Basking in this dream at work, you’ll screw up a whole bunch of accounts and find yourself on the ropes. Oh no! Rein your hormones in or you’ll be escorted out of the building with a cardboard box. I see you pounding Jack Daniels with a macro beer on the floor, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
Leo, whether it’s Farmville, Ravenskye, or some other dumb Facebook game, it’s obsessing you these days. These games steal valuable time from you and leave you mentally drained without being edified. You need to switch the program—your program! Your assignment is to get a very large ice-filled container and pour 12 beers into it, a can of frozen lemonade, and half a 26er of gin. Okay, now polish it off. That should break the computer-game cycle.
You have to deal with some bureaucratic douchebaggery this week, Virgo, possibly involving insurance and your insurer’s unwillingness to cover a questionable incident. The stars are pessimistic about the outcome, and you may decide not to continue paying premiums for coverage that’s so readily denied. Use the money to buy brandy and interesting liqueurs like Benedictine. You know—the products that led to the questionable incident in the first place.
Libra, you’re hanging on to negative emotions long after friends had assumed you’d moved on. Try withdrawing from the social scene for a while so you can sort your head out. Sleep in; write your thoughts down; figure out what you need to say to others to free yourself from the negativity. When you’re ready, mix a pitcher of Hawaiian Punch spiked with Bacardi 151, Hypnotiq, and Malibu. Slam the whole thing, then have a confrontation.
You think you know yourself so well, Scorpio, but sometimes you’re mistaken. How much of your life has actually been according to plan? Have you chosen your friends carefully, or have they chosen you? Slow down this summer to reflect on big questions involving friends, career, and relationships. If you listen to the universe, a little impulse will come to you—go with it! It will feature mandarin liqueur, so you should trust where it takes you.
Sagittarius, you have some idiot colleagues who continually screw up and drag you into their mess. You’d think they were the ones who were drunk, but no—it’s you. How do you work competently when you start sipping 151-proof rum for breakfast? You must be very tough, or very lucky. Either way, don’t let your dumbass coworkers get to you. If you dwell on them, you’ll kill your buzz and start fixating on past grief or other negative crap. Add some rye to your rum to maintain your happy state.
Have you ever investigated your family history, Capricorn? Even though you probably don’t want to be like your parents, knowing your past might help you avoid what you consider to be their mistakes. Did they throw raspberry liqueur and amaretto all over their pancakes before work and call it “adventurous cuisine” rather than “drinking at breakfast”? Did they do the grocery shopping hammered on hard cider? You might be just like them, and you should find out. BTW, you’ll get lucky on Thursday when you fall down in the frozen foods aisle.
Aquarius, you may have more money these days, but you’re also spending more and having trouble pacing yourself. In fact, you might be one of those people who needs to be paid daily rather than bi-weekly, just because you’ll immediately blow the cash on Yukon Jack. I know, it’s unreasonable to ease off on the booze, but maybe you could sell your car. You never get to drive it anyway because you’re always pissed.
Pisces, friends are smarting from your criticism and describing you with words like “dick,” “tool,” and “asstard.” Try backing off when you get the impulse to express a negative opinion; give yourself a day to consider the best way to word it constructively. Try listening, letting the other person talk first, and agreeing to disagree. Even if they never taught you these skills in jail, give it a shot. If it’s too much for you, stay home with a blender and some Blue Curacao.