My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Everything you need is available, Aries. Strangers feel like friends, and friends feel like family. You’re constantly meeting new contacts, many of whom will soon prove valuable. Somebody might even lend you money if you’re lucky. How should you approach this new social phase? Why, liquor your friends up, and don’t hold back. Offer them equal parts rum, whiskey and vodka, plus orange juice to taste (I suggest “none”).

Taurus, you mustn’t go out in those skidmarked sweatpants. You’re going to meet someone this week—a Virgo or a Capricorn—who won’t appreciate that level of casualness. Consider washing your clothes or visiting the dry cleaner. Burn any items that are absolutely embarrassing. You have a chance to make a good impression. Consider upgrading from Canadian Club to Crown Royal.

You’ll be put to the test at work this week, Gemini, and if you don’t dig deep for your inner confidence, your colleagues will notice your insecurities. Alcohol is the obvious answer, but don’t just choose clear, odorless vodka—choose something flashy and own it. You might work in an environment where employees are allowed to drink Jagerbombs. Do it! But add some Bacardi 151 and cinnamon to make your drink stand out.

It’s difficult for you to forget the past, Cancer, but the next month will be much better if you try. If you can’t arrest your self-recriminating thoughts, drown them in alcohol. I think this will work wonders:

• 2 oz lime-flavored rum
• 1 oz Blue Curacao
• 1/2 oz grenadine
• 3 oz sweet-and-sour mix
• Soda water (if you must)

Leo, you’re very irritable this week—so much so that your friends can’t even compliment you without getting their heads snapped off. Unless you can chill out you are destined for a bar fight. What you need is a project. Ignore any groundhogs’ predictions about spring coming early and fix yourself some wintry eggnog:

• 4 egg yolks (separate them while sober)
• 1/2 oz cream
• 1 oz simple syrup
• 1.5 oz tawny port
• 3 oz bourbon
• 7 oz milk

Shake ingredients together with ice, pour into a highball glass and sprinkle with nutmeg (but not too much—the nutmeg high isn’t worth it).

This is a good week for socializing, Virgo. You’ll be positively collecting new friends and acquaintances this week. Enjoy it while it lasts, because your popularity is riding a crescendo, and what goes up must come down. Alcohol will neither help nor hinder, but have some anyway. Why not try something weird, like lychee-flavored liqueur with grapefruit juice?

Libra, you will learn something unbelievable about yourself this week from a female friend or coworker. But you need to be careful; you tend to be tempted by ideas that might not be legal—marinating pot leaves in vodka, for example. If you are going to ignore my sincere advice not to do this, you need to follow instructions very carefully, watch the how-to video, and avoid getting busted.