My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Everything you need is available, Aries. Strangers feel like friends, and friends feel like family. You’re constantly meeting new contacts, many of whom will soon prove valuable. Somebody might even lend you money if you’re lucky. How should you approach this new social phase? Why, liquor your friends up, and don’t hold back. Offer them equal parts rum, whiskey and vodka, plus orange juice to taste (I suggest “none”).
Taurus, you mustn’t go out in those skidmarked sweatpants. You’re going to meet someone this week—a Virgo or a Capricorn—who won’t appreciate that level of casualness. Consider washing your clothes or visiting the dry cleaner. Burn any items that are absolutely embarrassing. You have a chance to make a good impression. Consider upgrading from Canadian Club to Crown Royal.
You’ll be put to the test at work this week, Gemini, and if you don’t dig deep for your inner confidence, your colleagues will notice your insecurities. Alcohol is the obvious answer, but don’t just choose clear, odorless vodka—choose something flashy and own it. You might work in an environment where employees are allowed to drink Jagerbombs. Do it! But add some Bacardi 151 and cinnamon to make your drink stand out.
It’s difficult for you to forget the past, Cancer, but the next month will be much better if you try. If you can’t arrest your self-recriminating thoughts, drown them in alcohol. I think this will work wonders:
- 2 oz lime-flavored rum
- 1 oz Blue Curacao
- 1/2 oz grenadine
- 3 oz sweet-and-sour mix
- Soda water (if you must)
Leo, you’re very irritable this week—so much so that your friends can’t even compliment you without getting their heads snapped off. Unless you can chill out you are destined for a bar fight. What you need is a project. Ignore any groundhogs’ predictions about spring coming early and fix yourself some wintry eggnog:
- 4 egg yolks (separate them while sober)
- 1/2 oz cream
- 1 oz simple syrup
- 1.5 oz tawny port
- 3 oz bourbon
- 7 oz milk
Shake ingredients together with ice, pour into a highball glass and sprinkle with nutmeg (but not too much—the nutmeg high isn’t worth it).
This is a good week for socializing, Virgo. You’ll be positively collecting new friends and acquaintances this week. Enjoy it while it lasts, because your popularity is riding a crescendo, and what goes up must come down. Alcohol will neither help nor hinder, but have some anyway. Why not try something weird, like lychee-flavored liqueur with grapefruit juice?
Libra, you will learn something unbelievable about yourself this week from a female friend or coworker. But you need to be careful; you tend to be tempted by ideas that might not be legal—marinating pot leaves in vodka, for example. If you are going to ignore my sincere advice not to do this, you need to follow instructions very carefully, watch the how-to video, and avoid getting busted.
You’re having some strange ruminations, Scorpio. You’re wondering what it’s all about, whether society can sustain itself in all its modern madness, and what will be left a thousand years from now. Will people still drive cars? Will there be colonies on Mars? How old will people be? Will everyone be naked because of global warming? These are great questions, but you’re having trouble turning them off when you try to sleep at night. So I have three words for you: Kahlua, Bailey’s, and creme de cacao (okay, five words).
Sagittarius, this is a great week to finish projects you’ve started and abandoned. You’ll find all sorts of historical leftovers: cases of Zima, weird liqueurs, discontinued beers. Sit down on your basement floor and start chugging. You can’t leave these items another moment; they might (gasp) expire. Oh…and about the other projects. They can wait until you run out of Zima. Friday brings fun and possibly romance, plus good news about a friend who’s been sick.
You’re not so steady this week, Capricorn. One minute you’re happy and confident, the next whimpering and emotional. The timing is bad! You have a jealous coworker who’s just waiting for you to show weakness so he/she can sabotage you at work. Quick! You need to pull yourself together by combining Red Bull with alcohol, exactly the way I discourage doing elsewhere. How about Red Bull with berry-flavored Bacardi and peach schnapps? Throw some cranberries in for vitamins and fiber—you need a boost.
Aquarius, you need a vacation, even if your coworkers think your brain is on a permanent one. You don’t have any money, though, so you might need to make your holiday less a physical trip than a mental one, and alcohol always helps with that. Still, you need to keep it on the cheap side. Think beer, rum, and coca cola. If it feels a little trailer-park, well, it is, so add some hot sauce and live it up.
Pisces, you’ve worked hard lately to regain your stability, and now your taste for luxury is asserting itself. Put the credit card away! Don’t even think of blowing all your money on a night out. Find another natural homebody and make a drunken evening for yourselves at home. You can do a lot with some vodka and bananas. Right? I mean, it makes a good drink.