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ASTROLIQUOR for June 29 to July 5—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

With this weekend comes an urge to cook for friends, Aries. Do your prep sober so you avoid poisoning them (again). Once the table’s spread, anything goes, and you have the choice of a Leo or a Capricorn, both amorously beer-goggled. Make sure their “go” signals are really “go” signals. If you must use questionable judgment, mix two shots banana liqueur and one shot vodka into a glass of Chardonnay. Repeat until you negate the danger of being an annoyance. Sleep it off where no one will trip over you.

Taurus, thanks to memory dropouts you forgot that your April spending would catch up to you by late June. Now you face Canada and/or Independence Day with an empty bar. OMG, what can you sell? Hurry, you must have some heirlooms or a stamp collection. Get them up on Craig’s List so you can buy some Jagermeister, rum, and bourbon. Then do what any patriot would do: shake ’em up together and pour into an ice-filled cocktail glass.

You’ve blown all your renovation money on Southern Comfort, Gemini, but you can still buy a couple of small items to brighten your space. Even a can of touch-up paint would help dress up those drunken dents in the wall. Never mind how difficult it is to get Blue Curacao out of the rug! Be cheerful about the little fix-it purchases. When you’re done you can invite friends for another house-wrecker.

If you take somebody out for lunch, Cancer, it might turn into a liquid lunch. Self-discipline is curiously elusive—these days you’re waking up to a sherry/pernod/vermouth mouthwash, and food just absorbs it, allowing you to drink more. Still, a social meal might rekindle an important friendship, especially on Saturday. Keep an eye on this person; pernod goggles are even more powerful than beer goggles. My girlfriend Dolly says she needs a lot of pernod to “keep me in focus.”

Leo, you’re watching a lot of porn without considering real-life relationships. Try not to conflate the two—no one’s really going to deliver you a pizza in a thong. (Well, you might be wearing a thong.) Dating possibilities include a Gemini, a Sagittarius, and a fellow Leo, none of whom will approach you wearing a thong. Try getting to know them. Don’t just liquor them up with banana and peach schnapps. Give the schnapps to any bears you encounter, especially if they’re wearing thongs.

This is the best week in ages for friendship, Virgo, offering the chance to mend old misunderstandings and get back an old drinking buddy. Ask yourself what the conflict was originally about. Can you even remember? Chances are it was insignificant, although it may have involved nudity. Fact is, you don’t remember. You were hammered at the time on vodka, Kahlua, and Guinness—pounded from a 2L Coke bottle.

Libra, concentration comes with great difficulty this week. Your many personal troubles include a brewing identity crisis that may prompt a domino-like tumble of your values. If you’re a carnivore, you may renounce meat. If you’re a vegetarian, you may get naked and start chowing down on another homeless person’s face. Try getting out more often, and if you do get a meat craving, here’s your drink:

  • 5 oz vodka
  • 6 oz beef bouillon
  • 2 tsp lemon juice
  • Tabasco to taste
  • Worcestershire to taste
  • Celery salt to taste

The stars are happy for you this week, Scorpio. The revolving door keeps delivering funny, entertaining visitors bearing drinks, music, and tasty gossip. Day and night they will regale you, but mind an enigmatic-looking Pisces, possibly wearing black. This person is deep. You’ll have conversations you remember forever—unless you get out of hand with the brandy and creme de cacao.

Sagittarius, you’re still under pressure this week, negotiating heavily at work and in your private financial world. You’re unusually assertive and decisive; security personnel leave you alone at airports, and for a change no one tries to put you in handcuffs. Could it be liquid confidence? Who knows what your blood alcohol level is, but if you’re ever going to attempt 10 amaretto shooters, this is the week.

Until mid-August you can expect a charmed life, Capricorn. Friends flock to you, instinctively recognizing the merriment that follows a happy person. Shake some gin up with Red Bull and pour everyone a round. You’re giving them energy, which means they have to entertain you. Enjoy it for now, because one of them might sue you in August.

Aquarius, take stock of your life this week. Honestly ask yourself: have you lost interest in your goals? Perhaps you’ve changed; maybe you’ve matured. Should you redefine your priorities and take a different path? Or are you just too drunk to be on a path at all? With all that Jack Daniel’s in your system, that might be it. Ask yourself in the morning.

Pisces, if you have any important decisions looming, you might want to wait a  while. The stars are being dickish again, serving up lashings of pessimism until August. The stars are so negative about finances and negotiations for July that they insist you hole up with the biggest supply of Malibu and Crown Royal you can muster. Wait out this bad patch on the bathroom floor, clinging to the toilet to stop the room spinning. When August comes, consider going into politics.

ASTROLIQUOR for June 22-28—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Time to get your finances in order, Aries—lenders and your boss are looking at you favorably. You might get a raise or even a promotion, but you’ll need some energy to prove yourself. This calls for “flask modification”—switch out the vodka for a Red Bull/cognac combination. You’ll be up for any challenge, and the cognac will make you smell like money, which will attract money. You bet.

Taurus, an unexpected visitor will keep you busy this week. But don’t worry—this Virgo won’t try to turn you into his/her bitch; instead you’ll go on a breathless adventure involving all sorts of new liquor combinations. Have you ever tried a Smeghead? Doesn’t it sound yummy? Your friend will teach you how to make it.(Stock up on Jagermeister and Malibu.)

It’s okay to fall down, Gemini, and it’s absolutely inevitable given the amount of Captain Morgan in your system. Acting on impulse will pay off through most of August. Your memory won’t be the best, though! Make sure you write down all the zany ideas that occur to you while you’re lurching around.

You’ll have a sexy dream this week, Cancer, featuring someone you didn’t even realize was on your mind. Basking in this dream at work, you’ll screw up a whole bunch of accounts and find yourself on the ropes. Oh no! Rein your hormones in or you’ll be escorted out of the building with a cardboard box. I see you pounding Jack Daniels with a macro beer on the floor, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Leo, whether it’s Farmville, Ravenskye, or some other dumb Facebook game, it’s obsessing you these days. These games steal valuable time from you and leave you mentally drained without being edified. You need to switch the program—your program! Your assignment is to get a very large ice-filled container and pour 12 beers into it, a can of frozen lemonade, and half a 26er of gin. Okay, now polish it off. That should break the computer-game cycle.

You have to deal with some bureaucratic douchebaggery this week, Virgo, possibly involving insurance and your insurer’s unwillingness to cover a questionable incident. The stars are pessimistic about the outcome, and you may decide not to continue paying premiums for coverage that’s so readily denied. Use the money to buy brandy and interesting liqueurs like Benedictine. You know—the products that led to the questionable incident in the first place.

Libra, you’re hanging on to negative emotions long after friends had assumed you’d moved on. Try withdrawing from the social scene for a while so you can sort your head out. Sleep in; write your thoughts down; figure out what you need to say to others to free yourself from the negativity. When you’re ready, mix a pitcher of Hawaiian Punch spiked with Bacardi 151, Hypnotiq, and Malibu. Slam the whole thing, then have a confrontation.

You think you know yourself so well, Scorpio, but sometimes you’re mistaken. How much of your life has actually been according to plan? Have you chosen your friends carefully, or have they chosen you? Slow down this summer to reflect on big questions involving friends, career, and relationships. If you listen to the universe, a little impulse will come to you—go with it! It will feature mandarin liqueur, so you should trust where it takes you.

Sagittarius, you have some idiot colleagues who continually screw up and drag you into their mess. You’d think they were the ones who were drunk, but no—it’s you. How do you work competently when you start sipping 151-proof rum for breakfast? You must be very tough, or very lucky. Either way, don’t let your dumbass coworkers get to you. If you dwell on them, you’ll kill your buzz and start fixating on past grief or other negative crap. Add some rye to your rum to maintain your happy state.

Have you ever investigated your family history, Capricorn? Even though you probably don’t want to be like your parents, knowing your past might help you avoid what you consider to be their mistakes. Did they throw raspberry liqueur and amaretto all over their pancakes before work and call it “adventurous cuisine” rather than “drinking at breakfast”? Did they do the grocery shopping hammered on hard cider? You might be just like them, and you should find out. BTW, you’ll get lucky on Thursday when you fall down in the frozen foods aisle.

Aquarius, you may have more money these days, but you’re also spending more and having trouble pacing yourself. In fact, you might be one of those people who needs to be paid daily rather than bi-weekly, just because you’ll immediately blow the cash on Yukon Jack. I know, it’s unreasonable to ease off on the booze, but maybe you could sell your car. You never get to drive it anyway because you’re always pissed.

Pisces, friends are smarting from your criticism and describing you with words like “dick,” “tool,” and “asstard.” Try backing off when you get the impulse to express a negative opinion; give yourself a day to consider the best way to word it constructively. Try listening, letting the other person talk first, and agreeing to disagree. Even if they never taught you these skills in jail, give it a shot. If it’s too much for you, stay home with a blender and some Blue Curacao.

ASTROLIQUOR for June 15-21—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, be prepared for professional events this week; you may well have to give a talk or address a boardroom. In the past you’ve done this with a drunken swagger, but maybe it’s time to get serious. This is your career, and you need more than liquid confidence—you need your reflexes when responding to executives’ rapid-fire questions. This makes vodka a liability. If you really want to succeed, add some Red Bull to it.

Taurus, your computer may give you grief this week, and you’ll search fruitlessly for the problem. It’s not an aging hard drive or a bad sector—it’s all the porn you’ve downloaded. Either it’s clogging up the works or it’s introduced a virus. Poor Taurus, you don’t even remember watching that porn. You were too wrecked on peach vodka. Go outside and find some fresh air.

Friends may call you pedantic, Gemini, the way you’ve been overanalyzing and lecturing. The more information you receive, the more confused you get, leaving you mired in dilemmas that are ultimately trivial. Could it be you’re too sober? Break out some Kahlua and peppermint schnapps, plus a splash of soda and a dollop of whipped cream. You need a whimsical drink to tame that rational mind and let your intuition play.

Cancer, you’re paying unusual attention to a Capricorn colleague—weirding this person out, in fact. Don’t become obsessive. Try to empathize… How would you like it if some rum-soaked lush kept lurching at you? Okay, well, you might like it. But it’s not good at work. Coworkers are starting to find you erratic. Back off on the Captain Morgan (and the stalking) until September.

Leo, you’ll get an inflammatory message from an old friend this week. Ignore the urge to send an immediate retort; a negative response could kill the relationship. Exercising restraint is hard when you’re perpetually gooned, but do try; if you can wait just a few days, you might decide not to respond at all, thereby preserving your friendship. You need a soothing libation: two parts Irish cream to one part raspberry liqueur. Mix it up with milk to dilute the alcohol and keep yourself from drunken emailing.

The phone is ringing, Virgo, in a good way. You’ll get a job offer from an old colleague. It’ll be good to get off the couch, you think. But then you wonder, Can I do better? This is exactly the thought pattern produced by a steady drip of gin and creme de menthe and punctuated by daytime talk shows. Sadly, you can’t do better, Virgo. Take the job so you can afford to keep buying gin.

Libra, you need to harness your determination; you have a strange week ahead. It’ll start out either very busy or very slow, then it will switch mid-week to the opposite. This will wreak havoc with your plans, especially if your level of activity is tied to finance. You’ll blunder through it by maintaining a watermelon vodka buzz.

Scorpio, I was too drunk to make sense of your chart, but I think you’ll be traveling to a destination with water. Maybe you’ll go to the seaside, or maybe there’ll just be potable water available. Wherever you end up, you’ll be offered a lucrative position leading to even more travel. Have you ever combined vodka with Coca-Cola and raspberry cordial? The stars say do it.

Sagittarius, you have a birthday present to buy this week, and no idea what to choose. Possible gifts are everywhere, but you hesitate, worrying that your choice won’t be bang-on. Fretting obsessively is always a bad sign—of sobriety. Fix it with a Blue Curacao bender, then go shopping hammered. You’ll buy all sorts of things, and something will work out.

Your stress level skyrockets over the next month, Capricorn. By August you’ll either crash and burn or find yourself on a successful path. But you won’t feel certain of anything until 2013. And really, none of us will. With the Mayan End of Days coming, there might not even be a 2013, in which case the remainder of your life is f#cked. Poor Capricorn, this calls for vodka and Blue Curacao, with Red Bull to prod you back to consciousness for bathroom trips.

Aquarius, this is a terrific week for creative endeavors and redecorating. Your sense of aesthetics is highly tuned; your self-confidence is high. Get to the paint store and look at swatches. Bid on a Dan Lacey painting to make your decor unique. Speak your mind, even when people don’t want to hear it. Make sure you do this via email or phone so you don’t start a barfight. You are destined for one, but busying yourself with a recipe might help:

  • 4 oz vodka
  • 4 oz peach schnapps
  • 1 oz amaretto
  • 1 oz Midori melon liqueur
  • 1 tbsp sweet-and-sour mix
  • Juice to taste (I’m having “none”)

Pisces, the stars are favorable for romance; you could have a real relationship this week and not have to leave money on the dresser. This fills you with giddiness. Go with it—hollow out some coconuts and pour in brandy and banana liqueur. Your new partner will love the way you do whatever you want. But look out! A jealous third party will try to undermine this romantic picture. Share that booze so you can keep some of your wits about you.