My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Aries, be prepared for professional events this week; you may well have to give a talk or address a boardroom. In the past you’ve done this with a drunken swagger, but maybe it’s time to get serious. This is your career, and you need more than liquid confidence—you need your reflexes when responding to executives’ rapid-fire questions. This makes vodka a liability. If you really want to succeed, add some Red Bull to it.
Taurus, your computer may give you grief this week, and you’ll search fruitlessly for the problem. It’s not an aging hard drive or a bad sector—it’s all the porn you’ve downloaded. Either it’s clogging up the works or it’s introduced a virus. Poor Taurus, you don’t even remember watching that porn. You were too wrecked on peach vodka. Go outside and find some fresh air.
Friends may call you pedantic, Gemini, the way you’ve been overanalyzing and lecturing. The more information you receive, the more confused you get, leaving you mired in dilemmas that are ultimately trivial. Could it be you’re too sober? Break out some Kahlua and peppermint schnapps, plus a splash of soda and a dollop of whipped cream. You need a whimsical drink to tame that rational mind and let your intuition play.
Cancer, you’re paying unusual attention to a Capricorn colleague—weirding this person out, in fact. Don’t become obsessive. Try to empathize… How would you like it if some rum-soaked lush kept lurching at you? Okay, well, you might like it. But it’s not good at work. Coworkers are starting to find you erratic. Back off on the Captain Morgan (and the stalking) until September.
Leo, you’ll get an inflammatory message from an old friend this week. Ignore the urge to send an immediate retort; a negative response could kill the relationship. Exercising restraint is hard when you’re perpetually gooned, but do try; if you can wait just a few days, you might decide not to respond at all, thereby preserving your friendship. You need a soothing libation: two parts Irish cream to one part raspberry liqueur. Mix it up with milk to dilute the alcohol and keep yourself from drunken emailing.
The phone is ringing, Virgo, in a good way. You’ll get a job offer from an old colleague. It’ll be good to get off the couch, you think. But then you wonder, Can I do better? This is exactly the thought pattern produced by a steady drip of gin and creme de menthe and punctuated by daytime talk shows. Sadly, you can’t do better, Virgo. Take the job so you can afford to keep buying gin.
Libra, you need to harness your determination; you have a strange week ahead. It’ll start out either very busy or very slow, then it will switch mid-week to the opposite. This will wreak havoc with your plans, especially if your level of activity is tied to finance. You’ll blunder through it by maintaining a watermelon vodka buzz.
Scorpio, I was too drunk to make sense of your chart, but I think you’ll be traveling to a destination with water. Maybe you’ll go to the seaside, or maybe there’ll just be potable water available. Wherever you end up, you’ll be offered a lucrative position leading to even more travel. Have you ever combined vodka with Coca-Cola and raspberry cordial? The stars say do it.
Sagittarius, you have a birthday present to buy this week, and no idea what to choose. Possible gifts are everywhere, but you hesitate, worrying that your choice won’t be bang-on. Fretting obsessively is always a bad sign—of sobriety. Fix it with a Blue Curacao bender, then go shopping hammered. You’ll buy all sorts of things, and something will work out.
Your stress level skyrockets over the next month, Capricorn. By August you’ll either crash and burn or find yourself on a successful path. But you won’t feel certain of anything until 2013. And really, none of us will. With the Mayan End of Days coming, there might not even be a 2013, in which case the remainder of your life is f#cked. Poor Capricorn, this calls for vodka and Blue Curacao, with Red Bull to prod you back to consciousness for bathroom trips.
Aquarius, this is a terrific week for creative endeavors and redecorating. Your sense of aesthetics is highly tuned; your self-confidence is high. Get to the paint store and look at swatches. Bid on a Dan Lacey painting to make your decor unique. Speak your mind, even when people don’t want to hear it. Make sure you do this via email or phone so you don’t start a barfight. You are destined for one, but busying yourself with a recipe might help:
- 4 oz vodka
- 4 oz peach schnapps
- 1 oz amaretto
- 1 oz Midori melon liqueur
- 1 tbsp sweet-and-sour mix
- Juice to taste (I’m having “none”)
Pisces, the stars are favorable for romance; you could have a real relationship this week and not have to leave money on the dresser. This fills you with giddiness. Go with it—hollow out some coconuts and pour in brandy and banana liqueur. Your new partner will love the way you do whatever you want. But look out! A jealous third party will try to undermine this romantic picture. Share that booze so you can keep some of your wits about you.