drinking

No brains, please, I’m trying to quit

I happened upon my mum cutting up what looked like brains for supper. She said that if I weren’t so preoccupied with liquor I wouldn’t have been so shocked, because cauliflower is quite a familiar vegetable to most people.

There isn’t really any reason for me to know about cauliflower. It looks disgusting, I don’t think even wild bears eat it, and I’m pretty sure it doesn’t factor into any known cocktails. But just to be sure, I checked with Drinks Mixer.

I love Drinks Mixer. It’s the most all-powerful, comprehensive booze resource I’ve ever encountered. Their Drinks Widget, which unfortunately doesn’t yet work with my site (although they’re working on that problem) can find you any drink, based on name or ingredients; you just have to type it in and hey presto, you get a bartending how-to. I love love love love LOVE Drinks Mixer.

My dad says I lack one of these.

And what I loved most about it today was that when I entered “cauliflower,” into an ingredient search, it gave me nothing. Nothing! Cauliflower has no business in any drink. In fact, it has no business existing. It looks like brains.

My DIY Irish Cream Plan

My Fellow Inebriates,

I’ve still got time before the holidays to make my very own Irish cream liqueur, but I don’t have a clue whether it will work. Here’s the recipe we have stuck to the fridge:

Irish cream

Ingredients:

  •  100g milk chocolate – got it; must act quickly so my mum doesn’t eat it.
  • 395g can sweetened condensed milk – got it.
  • 375ml can evaporated milk – huh? I guess we have to get some.
  • 150ml pouring cream – what the hell is pouring cream? If anybody knows, please shoot me a comment…
  • 1 tablespoon strong plunger coffee (brew just before you need it to keep it fresh) – uh, okay.
  • 375ml (half bottle) of whiskey – and here lies the emergency, as we have not got this precious ingredient.

Photo: Tina Phillips

Directions:

  • Place chocolate in a double-boiler over near-boiling water until melted. OMG, what is a double-boiler?
  • Remove chocolate from heat and, working quickly, whisk in the condensed milk (whisk fast to ensure mixture does not separate).
  • Add to a large bowl, add in the evaporated milk, and whisk until smooth.
  • Whisk in the coffee, cream and whiskey.
  • Pour into sterilized bottles. That part sounds like too much work.
  •  Store for up to 6 weeks. That part sounds impossible.

Okay, so we need some stuff, and then—panic, panic—we need to use the stove. My friend Blackie Bear always cautions to never get mistaken for the oven mitt.  You can douse me in Irish cream and no worries, as I’m a Bailey’s-colored animal already, but I’m deathly afraid of getting burned to death. So there’s no way I’m sterilizing any bottles, people; that’s just dancing with danger. Bears have all kinds of enzymes to combat food poisoning, so it’s no problemo. Just look at my friend Scarybear, who eats garbage all the time and never gets sick. He looks like ass but he’s plenty healthy.

Hawaiian Punch…what is it good for?

A valid question, my fellow inebriates. I like that little guy but what exactly is Hawaiian Punch and what the hell should I do with it?

Could this be Blackie's mom?

This is where a guy like Blackie Bear comes in. Blackie has a wicked sweet tooth and can always find a use for Kool-Aid, Hawaiian Punch, Sunny D and the like. And since he hasn’t produced any tasting notes for me on craft beers as he mentioned he might, I’ll quote his verbal advice:

Dude, those drinks are made for Jagermeister. That stuff is medicinal, bro, so you need to fix it up. Trust me, dude, Jager and Hawaiian Punch are the way to go. Cuz you don’t want to be drinking Jager straight.

I don’t?