Author: liquorstorebear

liquorstorebear https://liquorstorebear.wordpress.com
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A mea culpa to White Owl Whiskey in the interests of journalistic integrity

My fellow inebriates,

My parents pointed out that it was unfair of me to describe the taste of White Owl Whisky after it had been soaking into my fur.

My on-again-off-again girlfriend Dolly seconded my parents; she said the odour I was wafting could not in any way have been intended by the makers of White Owl Whisky.

Happier times with Dolly.

Even more chastened than last time, I begged my mother to buy a fresh bottle of White Owl Whisky so we could give it a fair shake. She refused. She said the nasty aroma had stuck with her for hours—and by the way, did I realize I’d taken the finish off the coffee table when I spilled it?

So, MFI, I now rely on you to send in your impressions of White Owl Whisky. If you don’t want to buy a big bottle, maybe you can find a mini-bottle affixed to the neck of a bottle you do decide to purchase. I will wait for you.

How White Owl Whisky made me a more responsible writer

My fellow inebriates,

I’ve been a fan of This Week in Virology (TWIV) for quite a while, even if 99 percent of it is beyond my two brain cells’ capacity to understand. I even pasted a poem into TWIV’s comments a couple of weeks ago, which they deleted.

In TWIV episode 760, the virologists and some guests took on the Nicolas Wade article about the possible origins of SARS-CoV-2. They accused Wade of not bothering to do the proper research.

Photo by CDC on Pexels.com

Then they addressed all writers, which I took to include yours truly, saying we need to be more responsible in our reporting.

Duly chastened, I went back to my post about SARS-CoV-2 to check it for balance.

After reading it carefully, I realized I had oversold you on Moosehead beer, which is basically a typical lager-style hockey beer.

It is refreshingly fizzy, though, and I stand by that.

~

This experience has taught me something.

I realize I have a duty to warn you about White Owl Canadian Whisky, made from wheat and rye and stripped of colour through charcoal filtering.

A small shelf-talker bottle of White Owl Whisky had hitchhiked home around the neck of a big-ass bottle of Wiser’s Deluxe that my mum bought before Christmas. (I’ll tell you about the Wiser’s another day.) The tiny bottle naturally ended up in my Christmas stocking. Delightful though that was, my paws were unable to open the damn bottle, and so it took up residence on the coffee table, taunting me.

Finally, I got it open. The effort was so jarring that I spilt it all over myself. I didn’t mind, though! I happily slurped it out of my fur—and as a bonus, White Owl is clear, so no washing machine for me.

But White Owl ain’t no sipping whisky. The filtering process that makes it look like vodka takes it halfway to tasting like vodka. It’s not mellow or caramelly; it’s harsh and spiky—a weird, in-between product. Granted, it’s more viscous than vodka, and it tastes rounder and more complex, but OMG, there were some nasty-ass flavours fighting it out in that little bottle (and in my fur!).

So consider this my (unaccredited) journalistic warning—White Owl Whisky should not be savoured. Throw it into a strange cocktail you’ve never heard of before. Why? Because then you won’t compare it with your experience of drinking that same cocktail made with a nice brown whisky. Try it in a Whiskey Smash maybe.

My mum came into the room while I was licking my fur and gave me a weird look. “What?” I said. “That’s what animals do. Look at the gerbils—they’re licking each other right now.”

She sniffed and then uttered the words: “washing machine.”

But she can be super-lazy, so she forgot all about it. And by the next day, the smell of White Owl Whisky had entirely evaporated.

Said my friend Scarybear: “See? That’s what happens to evidence.”

7 laws you may not know you’re obeying and/or violating

My fellow inebriates,

Occasionally I fall into the trap of thinking I’m original. But really, I’m following a bunch of laws that everyone else is also following.

  1. Godwin’s Law

Godwin’s Law states that as any internet-based discussion or piece of rhetoric grows longer, the odds that it will mention Hitler increase, and it may descend into reductio ad Hitlerum).

I have been guilty of this.

~

2. Chekhov’s Gun

Anton Chekhov famously said, “One must never place a loaded rifle on the stage if it isn’t going to go off.” In other words, all information must be relevant.

That’s Pavel, not Anton. But he is holding a gun.

I am constantly guilty of violating this law. So guilty that I can’t think of the very best example, but here’s one anyway.

~

3. Dilbert Principle

Dilbert comic creator Scott Adams created the Dilbert Principle to describe how companies systematically put incompetent employees on the management track to get them out of the workflow and limit their potential damage.

If I had a job, I’d be in the C-suite. In the past I’ve accused my dad of this too.

~

4. Gibson’s Law

According to Gibson’s Law, “for every PhD there is an equal and opposite PhD.” Originally this referred to the use of opposing expert witnesses in a trial (e.g., for and against tobacco industry activity).

At LBHQ it describes all sorts of disagreements about how hoppy a beer should be and what a safe number of drinks is.

~

5. Hofstadter’s Law

Hofstadter’s Law states that things will always take longer than you expect them to, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law. It would be hypocritical, especially in this post, to fault Douglas Hofstadter for being self-referential. But he was being pessimistic when he observed that the longer AI researchers tried to make a computer that could beat a world-class chess player, the further off that goal was. In fact, Deep Blue beat Gary Kasparov 20 years after this statement, and chess-playing AIs haven’t looked back.

I don’t have much use for chess unless the board looks like this.

~

6. Leibniz’s Law

Also called the indiscernibility principle, Leibniz’s Law states that if two objects have all properties in common, they are in fact the same object.

I have to admit I’ve struggled with this one, living as I do with the twins Scary and Fluffy.

~

7. Miller’s Law

Miller’s Law is all about suspending judgment. It goes: “In order to understand what someone is telling you, it is necessary for you to assume the person is being truthful, then imagine what could be true about it.” Well, take that, postmodernists! Miller is probably rolling over in his grave watching tweetstorms in which people deliberately misconstrue each other’s tweets.

I have to admit I’m bad at figuring out what people on Twitter actually mean.

~

What about you, my fellow inebriates? Do you have a favourite law you like to abide by or ignore?