My  Fellow Inebriates,

By a curious confluence of star clusters, nebulae, and other drivel, you all have a similar reading this week.

Wow! You’re thinking: That must mean there’s some awesome synergy occurring between the signs AND/OR maybe this is how the world ends and the Mayans just didn’t know how to calculate the date. Neither, MFI, and stop dissing the Mayans, who had creme de cacao before anybody else even thought of it. We all have a similar horoscope this week because my TYPISTS TELL ME THEY’RE BUSY.

I guess this means they are out earning, and that there’ll be an influx of booze money into LBHQ. Let’s hope so, MFI, because that’s how booze reviews happen.

Anyway, on to your curiously homogeneous booze horoscope.

Okay, so Venus is in Capricorn this week, which affects ALL OF US because that’s how astrology works. It means we’ll hook up, but in a clinical, sub-passionate way. It means we’ll all go and get a kinky massage. That’s okay, right?

Well, maybe. Some of you will pay for sex, and others will just have very staid, boring relationships. But good ones! The kind where you can hang out together on the couch and watch TV. And you’ll like it!

It’s also a good time for MONETIZING. All bloggers know that term, and apparently the stars will help us do that. HOW??? The stars are unspecific, but the sweet money-making time is between Jan. 8 and 31. I don’t know about you, but the money hasn’t come in at LBHQ yet, but my  mum told me to get the fuck out of her office so she could earn some.

The most important day, though, is today. It represents NEW AMBITION FOR EVERYONE!. Yes, even you! Everyone will reap the rewards of setting goals and working hard. Even if you didn’t need your star chart to tell you, that’s how it works!

MOST IMPORTANTLY, today is INTERNATIONAL HOT TODDY DAY. So what’s in our mugs, MFI?

Aries:

Bourbon and Jagermeister. OMFG, you’d better hope there’s plenty of coffee in your mug as well, because that’s gonna taste like ass.

Taurus:

Peach vodka, peach schnapps, blue curacao, and Midori melon! YEAH!!! Put that in a coffee!

Gemini:

Citrus Grey Goose…in tea. That would be okay, I think.

Cancer:

Sagatiba Pura in your coffee. Instead of sugar of course. You want to be drunk AND healthy.

Leo:

Haha, you’re the Designated Driver this week. Go to Starbucks.

Virgo:

You get a Starbucks, PLUS vanilla rum and milk. You’re welcome.

Libra:

Vanilla vodka and amaretto. Put it in something hot.

Scorpio:

No coffee for you, friend. Coffee LIQUEUR. With tequila.

Sagittarius:

Peppermint schnapps…tea or coffee, up to you, weirdo.

Capricorn:

Lucky you, you get Malibu this week. Malibu in your coffee, Malibu in everything. Malibu is so versatile and at the same time almost offensive.

Aquarius:

Who are you kidding? Just have some vodka. Put it in a coffee cup and pretend it’s a toddy. (It’s vodka.)

Pisces:

Maybe they don’t have “toddies” where you are. Maybe you could make some vodka in the toilet? Or get your hands on a beer? Don’t put that in a coffee, though…