writing

Monetize that!

I need more liquor, my fellow inebriates, and I’m hoping my parents will buy it if I justify my existence with numbers.

By numbers I mean income and/or booze freebies. When I told them back in October that by summer we’d be awash in hooch and naming our price for coveted advertising spots, they didn’t even bother snickering. Their question was: “If we give you a blog, will you stop bothering everybody?”

So they did give me a blog, and I didn’t stop being a nuisance. Every day I recruit them for their opposable thumbs, in exchange for which they disparage my ideas. My dad gets mad at the photos I post of our messy house, and my mum ditches me the minute paid freelance work comes in.

OMG! Maybe we should monetize.

I wish I could post from the future telling you about our fabulous success at monetizing, the influx of booze samples with which we can barely keep up, and the bling weighing down my floppy little bear physique. Sadly, our present-day reality is very dry. Can’t it even be done? Do blogs really make money?

According to Income Diary, Problogger makes $40,000 a month, which is a lot of freaking gin. Darren Rowse started the blog in 2004, diving right into topics such as product branding, SEO, and pay-per-click advertising.

I worry, when I visit Problogger, that Rowse is doing a lot more work than I’d like to do. His site has a lot of focus, and it contains useful information. Moreover, I suspect he’s written his posts while sober.

All of which is highly intimidating.

In addition to Rowse, who I’m sure is earning good money, there are dozens of other bloggers blogging about blogging who claim to be making money but might just be getting a bit of pocket money—and to get it they probably started by saying they were earning money, and kept on the fake-it-till-you-make-it path until a trickle started, even while they were bursting forth with monetizing wisdom. What do you humans think?

I don’t know what to think. My brain cells can’t handle it—either one of them.

Who has time to study when there are images like this for the brain to process?

Now you might say, quite rightly, that I should just read these informative blogs that often outline in careful detail how to build successful income streams from blogging.

But these sites lack a certain sordidness that would otherwise draw me in. They don’t have features about cannibalism, zombies, or eating roadkill. They just have relevant information, the devoted study of which wouldn’t leave me any time to play Wrestler Unstoppable or look at the People of Walmart.

So I’m throwing down a challenge to all those bloggers in my inbox telling me they’re getting rich. I DON’T BELIEVE YOU MAKE MONEY! I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW IT’S DONE! IF YOU TRULY MAKE SOME DECENT COIN, PROVE IT BY HELPING ME—AN IDIOT BEAR—MAKE MONEY.

IF YOU CAN MAKE A DRUNKEN BEAR RICH, I’LL BELIEVE YOU!!!

Yes, friends, this is a throwdown. Send me your links to anyone you know out there GETTING RICH BLOGGING, MAKING MONEY WHILE THEY SLEEP, or ENJOYING FINANCIAL FREEDOM. I will CHALLENGE them personally to help me GROW MY BUSINESS so that I too can bask in COMFORT AND SECURITY and finally, finally have a decent bar.

And for anyone out there BLOGGING FOR PROFIT, a brief survey:

    • Are you making money blogging?
    • Is money more important than fame?
    • Is money more important than altruism?
    • Do you prefer gin or vodka in your martini?

And for you, GIANT INTERNET MONEYMAKERS who take the challenge!…

    • I will share your links with my small and often justifiably perplexed following.
    • I will recommend excellent cocktails.
    • I will accompany these recommendations with random, specious and occasionally offensive factoids enhanced by the most amateur, slapdash photography ever produced.

You will learn:

For any blogger who’s wondered, “Is there more to this?” now’s the chance to engage with BLOG GENIUSES who EARN WHILE THEY SLEEP. Let’s start bothering them. If they can make themselves rich, they can make US rich! And if they DON’T WANT TO DO THAT, then maybe they’re not getting rich at all. Let’s challenge those successful bloggers to this THROWDOWN. It’s a CAGE MATCH, people!

BLOGGERS WHO EARN

vs

BLOGGERS WHO ARE REALLY GOOD AT HITTING CONTROL/ALT/TAB WHEN THEIR BOSS FINDS THEM BLOGGING AT WORK

Share this RIGHT NOW by clicking Stumble, Twitter, or any of those little buttons (I don’t know what the hell most of them are). We’ll launch this plea into the blogosphere—the PLEA FOR SUCCESSFUL BLOGGERS TO HELP US ALL GET RICH!!

Now, you may be worried—will this make you a target for SPAM and things you don’t want? NO! You won’t get SPAM. But you won’t get anything helpful either. You won’t learn the following, for instance:

    • How to optimize your web site
    • How to urge your visitors into the conversion funnel
    • How to set up multiple streams of income using your blog as a magnet for business
    • How to make money while you snooze!

Hitting the share buttons won’t teach you any of these things BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM, PEOPLE. That’s why I need BLOG MASTERS to help! And chances are you do too. So let’s share this message. Click it, share it, send it like a sacrilegious little prayer into the blogosphere and get our traffic up. Because if we can get savvy, Internet GURUS to help us, we can ALL roll around naked in money, festoon ourselves with chainlink gold, or pour vodka all over ourselves—or whatever the hell else we want to do.

So why would these Internet SAGES want to help us? I DON’T KNOW! I HAVEN’T THOUGHT THAT FAR! If you can think of a reason, let me know, and leave a comment about WHY you blog.

Elevenses

My Fellow Inebriates,

You’d think I’d be hard to catch, being very small and usually concealed say, under the toilet for a post-cocktail nap, but the other day I got tagged by Unhappy Mommy. Yes!

Elevenses…Pooh reaches for some honey lager.

For wild bears the word “tagged” conjures up a lot more than blogging conviviality. My friend Scary, who claims to have been caught in a leghold trap prior to his Toys R Us sojourn and purchase, would get very ornery at being tagged, but I kind of like it.

Unhappy Mommy gave me the following rules: I have to answer one of her 11 questions and then pose 11 of my own to 11 other bloggers.

Of all the times-table problems, 11×11 has always been a bitch for me. I can remember all of them, people, but for some reason I trip on 11×11. And 11×12. And of course 11×13, etc. I think it’s because the 11 times tables set you up for ease of calculation: 11, 22, 33, blah blah blah. And then, HOLY FREAKING SHIT, what the hell does 11×11 amount to? I guess I have some elevenish baggage.

Unhappy Mommy asked a lot of questions that really demand they be answered by a person of more depth. But you get what you get with LB, so I’m answering this one:

What is your favorite part of your day?

Absolutely, the best part of the day is Happy Hour, although it’s more of a notion in our household than an actual recurring ritual. For the obvious reasons I don’t care much for mornings, although I’ve had some good ones—this one for instance:

And now for my questions:

  1. Did you have a lovable animal when you were little, and was there a point when you decided it was childish? What was the trigger?
  2. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?
  3. Do you think there’s a divide between physiological addiction and physical addiction, and where do you think alcoholism falls?
  4. Is there any topic that you consider absolutely out of bounds as far as humor goes?
  5. How much attention do you pay to politics?
  6. Are you hopeful about our planet? Why or why not?
  7. If you are a parent, how is your parenting different from your parents’? Is this deliberate? Why or why not?
  8. What is the most memorable book or movie for you?
  9. How many “presences,” for lack of a better word, do you have on the web? Are they true to who you are in real life, or do you maintain some distance between your web representation and your private reality?
  10. What’s the closest you’ve ever been to death?
  11. Do you prefer your martini with gin or vodka?

And now for my 11 blogging peers. If I could compel you to answer all 11 questions I would, because you’re fascinating writers and I’d love to know your answers. But the 11×11 rules say pick just one. (Feel free to break the rules.)

On My Square 

Snide Reply 

Zen in the City 

Kitchen Slattern 

The Waiting 

Oh God, My Wife Is German 

Ashley Jillian

Damp Squid

The Dogs of Beer

Becoming Cliché 

Rinse and/or Repeat 

Tag! You’re it. You’re its. All 11 of you.

My Fellow Inebriates,

As depicted by Miss P (and in reality) I have, at most, two brain cells. So when Clip Snark, of whom I’m a big fan, tagged me with this little game I told myself to remember it and then promptly forgot.

It’s not an award, although it does come with a graphic reminiscent of certain other chain-letter-style awards. Cool enough for me, Snarky.

Besides, my parents haven’t opened any bottles lately. I have nothing to review. 😦

So here are the rules:

  • Post the rules (okay, here)
  • Answer the questions (sure)
  • Create 11 new questions (nah, these ones are good enough…except one…guess which)
  • Tag 11 people with a link to your post (this is a good day to do this; I’m sober—AGONIZINGLY SOBER)
  • Let them know you’ve tagged them (well, they’ll see the click, I bet—but I’ll try)

Questions

  1. Do you have a test or tests that help you judge someone’s character? Uh, no. I gravitate to drunken, apocalyptic types, but I don’t have any criteria they have to meet. If someone can be with me and not beat the hell out of me, they’re usually okay.
  2. When did you first feel like a grown-up? When my parents gave me this bear-sized bottle of mescal I thought I was on my way. But then they wouldn’t open it. Ever.
  3. What is something you read that made you wish you could write that well? Check this out.
  4. What do you say when you answer the phone? The what? I’ve never thought of answering the phone.
  5. Have you ever stiffed someone on a tip? My parents have never taken me to a bar (I could ride in a purse, damn it). And I don’t really do solids, so I’ve never had a restaurant meal. But if I did, I would leave a huge tip. Massive.
  6. Do you have a favorite writing utensil? No. I don’t like utensils; they are generally out to get me. What the world needs is a line of utensils that don’t require opposable thumbs.
  7. Do you use a calendar? For what?
  8. Do you have road rage? No. I don’t have ‘roid rage either.
  9. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Neither; I’m drunk at both ends.
  10. What surprised you about blogging when you first started? That I continued.
  11. If you could drink anything at all, what would you choose? Shiraz.

Okay, on to 11 lucky bloggers…

Beerbecue

The Waiting

Momma’s Money Matters

theadventuresoftransman

Rant and Roll

Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems: Reno Division

boydrinksworld

Becoming Cliché

I’ll Sleep When They’re Grown

Awkward Laughter 

ArtStormer

Taaaggggg.