hot toddy

ASTROLIQUOR for January 25-31

My  Fellow Inebriates,

Once again, because my typist is fucking me over of a curious confluence of star clusters, nebulae, and other drivel, you get an abbreviated reading consolidating the star signs and giving you no proper guidance for the week ahead (or at least five days of it, because this horoscope is late).

Wow! You’re thinking: That’s awesome. LB’s readings are usually so thorough and spot-on that they freak me out. I’d much rather have this vague analysis of ALL SIGNS TOGETHER so I don’t have to hide this week or invest all my money in some email-based Ugandan network-marketing scheme and/or artisanal gin collection.

All you really need to know this week, MFI, is that Mars, that shit-disturbing, bar-fighting planet, is in several aspects with our planet. I don’t know what the hell that means therefore urge you to stay away from knives, guns, tools, Home Depot, and any Martha Stewart–inspired crafts involving hot glue. You don’t want those kinds of weapons on you this week, because Mars is all about fucking your shit up. This is an excellent week to stay AWAY from bars lest you stumble into a fight. I know, I know…that seems counterintuitive, but think about it, MFI: you can buy at least three times the alcohol at the liquor store that you could in a bar. Here’s what to shop for:

Aries:

Grey Goose and Alize Bleu liqueur. Maybe some cranberry juice to go with it, but only if you have a urinary tract infection.

Taurus:

Bacardi Big Apple and butterscotch schnapps. Whatever you do, don’t dissolve a bag of gummy bears in the rum. (Why would you?)

Gemini:

If you’re going to stay home, take the time to make something interesting. Vodka with fresh lemon, freshly ground pepper, olives, and soda.

Cancer:

Stock up on obscure liqueurs with all that cash you save by not going to the bar. Do you have Midori Melon and Leblon Cachaca? No?? However do you drink gingerale without those things?

Leo:

Of all the signs you will have the biggest urge to go to the bar and punch someone. Make yourself a silly drink instead: Malibu, Stoli, and Midori Melon with whipped cream in a hollowed-out pineapple. Will concocting that increase or decrease your frustration?

Virgo:

You are at moderate risk for scurvy. Solution: orange vodka with orange juice and soda. Or just orange vodka.

Libra:

Here’s a weird one for you. Brandy (carefully) blended up with grapefruit juice, honey, and an egg. Sounds like a damn fine breakfast.

Scorpio:

Tequila is still working for you, Scorpio. This time mix it with Kahlua and add enough half-and-half to turn it sort of a Scarybear hue.

Sagittarius:

Spiced rum, Blue Curacao, and Squirt. No worries.

Capricorn:

I know I said no tools but you need the blender…so be very careful. Vodka, Blue Curacao, raspberry schnapps, melon liqueur, and margarita mix. DON’T STICK YOUR HAND IN WHILE IT’S RUNNING! THAT’S THE PLANET MARS TRYING TO GET YOU TO DO THAT. DON’T LET THE PLANET MARS MESS WITH YOU!

Aquarius:

Chill out with some Cachaca. You don’t even need to combine it with anything.

Pisces:

My neighbors still have a pumpkin sitting on their porch. Do you have neighbors like that? Take the pumpkin, hollow it out, and put some rum, gingerale, and apple cider in it. Party for one (until the cops come).

ASTROLIQUOR for January 18-24

My  Fellow Inebriates,

The stars are still being dickheaded, which means you all get an abbreviated reading again, just like last week, only this week we don’t even have a proper theme, people. Yes, the stars are sucking royal ass and being totally lazy in their stupid galactic orbits, burning all that hydrogen and producing f*ck-all in the way of useful readings about OUR LIVES. We should all be livid at the stupid stars and their questionable influence. That having being said, here’s what they say you should drink.

Aries:

You get apple juice and Smirnoff this week. What a perfect Sunday-morning treat while hanging out with a toddler.

Taurus:

Godiva, Kahlua, and small ice cubes that you can crunch while you drink. This is so you can be annoying, just in case you don’t already know how.

Gemini:

Do they still make Jolt cola? I think not, but if you know someone who had a bomb shelter/panic room and died, then they might have left some in there, and you could go in and get it. But do they (did they?) have raspberry syrup and vodka?

Cancer:

Cognac, strawberry schnapps, triple sec, and club soda. Blend it up with a couple of strawberries, weirdo.

Leo:

Got a big (I mean big) container? Put vodka, gin, sweet-and-sour mix, grenadine, and—what else?—beer. Proportions you can figure out.

Virgo:

Dark rum, Malibu, peach schnapps, blackberry schnapps, and as many kinds of juices as you have in the fridge. Like Aries, you’ve got yourself a libation you can enjoy while hanging with a five-year-old.

Libra:

Okay, this is kind of elaborate. Vanilla liqueur, some kind of blue liqueur, mint liqueur, and vanilla ice cream. Not in the blender!! Cocktail shaker, ice, shave the ice cream into it. YEAH! Shake it up. Also a good one to enjoy while regaling the kiddies about the importance of a well-stocked bar.

Scorpio:

Got a harsh Canadian whisky? Bet you’ve never put it in a cocktail shaker with rosso vermouth, crappy sparkling wine, a splash of triple sec, and some bitters. Why would anyone do that?? But the stars are calling for it, so there you go.

Sagittarius:

Jagermeister in a coffee. It’s gonna be a bad week.

Capricorn:

You luck out again with some hedonistic luxury: amarula, cream liqueur, peach schnapps, vodka, half-and-half, and don’t forget vodka. Mmmmmm (I think? Who knows, it might be totally gross).

Aquarius:

Vodka and Hawaiian Snapple. You’re welcome.

Pisces:

You deserve a fantasy drink: Midori melon, Malibu, and pineapple juice. Ahhhh!

ASTROLIQUOR for January 11-17

My  Fellow Inebriates,

By a curious confluence of star clusters, nebulae, and other drivel, you all have a similar reading this week.

Wow! You’re thinking: That must mean there’s some awesome synergy occurring between the signs AND/OR maybe this is how the world ends and the Mayans just didn’t know how to calculate the date. Neither, MFI, and stop dissing the Mayans, who had creme de cacao before anybody else even thought of it. We all have a similar horoscope this week because my TYPISTS TELL ME THEY’RE BUSY.

I guess this means they are out earning, and that there’ll be an influx of booze money into LBHQ. Let’s hope so, MFI, because that’s how booze reviews happen.

Anyway, on to your curiously homogeneous booze horoscope.

Okay, so Venus is in Capricorn this week, which affects ALL OF US because that’s how astrology works. It means we’ll hook up, but in a clinical, sub-passionate way. It means we’ll all go and get a kinky massage. That’s okay, right?

Well, maybe. Some of you will pay for sex, and others will just have very staid, boring relationships. But good ones! The kind where you can hang out together on the couch and watch TV. And you’ll like it!

It’s also a good time for MONETIZING. All bloggers know that term, and apparently the stars will help us do that. HOW??? The stars are unspecific, but the sweet money-making time is between Jan. 8 and 31. I don’t know about you, but the money hasn’t come in at LBHQ yet, but my  mum told me to get the fuck out of her office so she could earn some.

The most important day, though, is today. It represents NEW AMBITION FOR EVERYONE!. Yes, even you! Everyone will reap the rewards of setting goals and working hard. Even if you didn’t need your star chart to tell you, that’s how it works!

MOST IMPORTANTLY, today is INTERNATIONAL HOT TODDY DAY. So what’s in our mugs, MFI?

Aries:

Bourbon and Jagermeister. OMFG, you’d better hope there’s plenty of coffee in your mug as well, because that’s gonna taste like ass.

Taurus:

Peach vodka, peach schnapps, blue curacao, and Midori melon! YEAH!!! Put that in a coffee!

Gemini:

Citrus Grey Goose…in tea. That would be okay, I think.

Cancer:

Sagatiba Pura in your coffee. Instead of sugar of course. You want to be drunk AND healthy.

Leo:

Haha, you’re the Designated Driver this week. Go to Starbucks.

Virgo:

You get a Starbucks, PLUS vanilla rum and milk. You’re welcome.

Libra:

Vanilla vodka and amaretto. Put it in something hot.

Scorpio:

No coffee for you, friend. Coffee LIQUEUR. With tequila.

Sagittarius:

Peppermint schnapps…tea or coffee, up to you, weirdo.

Capricorn:

Lucky you, you get Malibu this week. Malibu in your coffee, Malibu in everything. Malibu is so versatile and at the same time almost offensive.

Aquarius:

Who are you kidding? Just have some vodka. Put it in a coffee cup and pretend it’s a toddy. (It’s vodka.)

Pisces:

Maybe they don’t have “toddies” where you are. Maybe you could make some vodka in the toilet? Or get your hands on a beer? Don’t put that in a coffee, though…