specious advice

ASTROLIQUOR for August 3-9—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’re gripped by a sudden ambition to improve your mind, Aries, but you don’t have the time to take classes or study. With family/friends quick to compete for your spare time, self-improvement seems like a luxury. Is it worth it? Write out one of those pro-vs-con lists to get clarity. Maybe you don’t need to add any new activities to improve yourself. Maybe you just need to subtract half a bottle of Skyy from your daily intake.

Taurus, there’s a birthday party in the stars this week—be careful not to forget about it or the celebrant may not forgive you. Do you have an electronic calendar or diary to remind you? Or do you just need to dial back the vanilla vodka and banana liqueur? Those products aren’t so conducive to good recall.

Air things out at home this week, Gemini, and not in a figurative way. Your house smells like someone painted the walls with a bucket of Malibu-Frangelico-Bailey’s vomit. It’s oppressive—how can you think in such a fetid atmosphere? Go out if you need to, regardless of the weather. Get drunk enough that you don’t notice the funk when you get home.

Life feels smooth this week, Cancer. You’re making good professional contacts as well as potential romantic ones, which makes you feel happy and expansive—and in turn leads to delusional spending. Now’s the time to stock that bar with less mainstream items such as blackberry schnapps and white creme de cacao. Quick! Get to the liquor store before your inner accountant wakes up.

Leo, the stars feature friendship this week, so make some playdates for yourself. A Gemini in particular will grab your attention. Your intuition about this person is spot-on. Give it time (maybe even until 2013 if such a year comes to be) and the relationship will deepen. With life so satisfying, your drinking sinks to a dull roar. I see you sipping port or blackberry brandy and not having to throw it up.

Just when the week seems to be swimming along uneventfully, Virgo, you face a bar fight. Oh no! But maybe it’s not all bad…if you get roughed up sufficiently you may be able to sue for damages. This will pay for some home-improvement expenses in September or October—and/or a new supply of vodka and Blue Curacao.

Libra, the alarm clock is starting to feel like an enemy. Late nights, especially when fueled by raspberry Stoli and triple sec, are taking their toll. Did you know that passed-out sleep doesn’t give you the proper rest that sober sleep does? OMG! It’s true. Try drinking earlier in the day so you can sober up by bedtime and get some good Zzzzzs.

You’ve been feeling hampered lately, Scorpio, but this week you finally get to break free. Get outside, take a walk, call a friend. Get rid of useless possessions that weigh you down. Drop some work- or family-related responsibilities…whatever it takes to break the “trapped” cycle. And if those ideas don’t work, get into the vodka.

Sagittarius, you may be the consummate multi-tasker, but not this week. The fewer projects you take on, the better you’ll manage them. Your brain cells have taken an Absolut beating lately. Scratch driving from your list of activities—even on sober mornings you’ll have trouble focusing, never mind texting. If you can survive until Friday, you’ll meet someone who thinks you’re cute.

Do you have an old friend you’ve been forgetting, Capricorn? Make an effort to send a note or a small gift—or just visit with a gin bottle. The stars suggest (ominously) that you don’t have much time to make this gesture…your friend may move away, write you off, or kick the bucket. If you put it off, you may end up consoling yourself at the bar (Saturday’s the best day because someone there will be into you).

Aquarius, you still need to keep the purse strings drawn fairly tight. You may have renewed your mortgage unfavorably, or otherwise committed monthly installments for some expense or other. This doesn’t bode well for the awesome bar you covet. Sadly, this isn’t the week to invest in exotica such as kiwi liqueur to fill out your collection. The stars recommend cheap swill, at least until next month.

Pisces, this is a week for reinvention, which will make you insufferable for friends and family. You reassess your hobbies, your travel ambitions, and your liquor cabinet. Not content to down a beer with old friends, you find yourself at unfamiliar bars, ordering rounds of Jagermeister and dancing while people fling coins at you. Are you being a douche? Only your bartender knows for sure.

ASTROLIQUOR for July 27 to August 2—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Planet Mars is making you berserk with rage this week, Aries. Friends and family will run for cover, and—needless to say—you must stay out of bars or find yourself in (another) bar fight. Not only that, but there’s a Cancer pub-crawling for an Aries like you, and once this person snags you, he/she won’t let go. OMG! You need to drink something calming…and solitary. How about vodka with cherry brandy and orange juice?

Taurus, technical things will make you feel like a nitwit this week. Usually you’re pretty intuitive about computers, stereo gear, and the blender—but a brainful of rum makes them all a challenge. In fact, even going to the bathroom is a challenge. This won’t do, Taurus. It’s one thing to tie one on; it’s quite another to drink yourself into incontinence. Try to socialize a bit instead, especially on Tuesday and Thursday.

You become sappy and nostalgic for pastimes you once enjoyed, Gemini, such as board games and charades. This was before you had a computer: pre-Farmville and pre-Sims. Time to break out the Pisco for an old-fashioned drinking game. Invite some friends over and defrag your computer while you play Asshole. The stars say Sunday’s the best day, especially if nudity is involved.

You have a stalker of the pleasant kind, Cancer—someone you never thought would notice you. Get with it and invite him/her over. Make sure you have a classy drink to share:

  • 1 cup vodka
  • 6 Coors Light cans
  • 2 cans pink lemonade concentrate

Leo, work is boring the hell out of you and progress feels minimal. (Make sure your boss doesn’t get the same impression.) The week’s frustrations are compounded by a car problem—a small issue you ignored, which then got out of control. Sounds like an excellent opportunity to ride the bus to work. Bus rides can be like safaris, depending on your ‘hood, and a flask of Hypnotiq will make the commute even more exotic.

The stars are financially-minded this week, Virgo. Analyze your situation: you may be living above or below your means. If you add it all up you may be delighted to find you have extra money for household items…perhaps a new bed or couch, plus a crapload of Bacardi 151 and peach schnapps. (Or maybe just the booze.)

Libra, you’re feeling tied down by work, relationships, and debt. What happened to the freedom you used to enjoy? Let’s face it, it’s gone, but you can still go on a wicked bender and temporarily forget your shackles. Equal parts tequila and peppermint schnapps should produce the necessary mood adjustment.

Sunshine and sand beckon, Scorpio. No doubt you deserve it, no matter what your peeps say. But can you afford a sunny vacation? Probably not, so put it on your credit card. While you’re at it, charge a 46er of Smirnoff and some DeKuiper Razzmatazz too. These products are essential for mental health, and they help remove spending inhibitions, which should make your holiday awesome.

Sagittarius, there’s nothing more soul-destroying than doing what’s expected of you. Is there a passion you’re resisted pursuing because it would conflict with your career? Now’s the time to go for it! And if your passion is simply…drinking, well then, here’s your recipe:

  • 1 oz vodka
  • 1 oz gin
  • 1 oz Everclear
  • 1 oz rum
  • 1 oz apple schnapps
  • 1 oz whiskey
  • 1 oz tequila
  • 1 oz rye

All this goodness goes into a Big Gulp. The recipe for a passionate life.

You’ve been called unflappable in the past, Capricorn, but the truth is you’re not handling stress very well lately. Even when your brain feels okay, your body tells a different story. Are you crashing on the weekend? Getting sick on your holidays? Having bourbon for breakfast? If you are having bourbon for breakfast, send me your address. I’ll come over and join you.

Aquarius, the stars want you to weigh your expenditures against your expenses. (I know, the stars suck sometimes.) Good timing—you can expect a small windfall very soon. This in turn will inspire you to invest in your future earnings, creating a prosperous spiral. And this in turn will attract new relationships (go figure). Keep some vodka handy for fairweather friends—they can be boring when you’re not drunk.

Pisces, gear down this week. Work slowly, without excessive effort. Take a nature walk. Don’t worry about productivity; your job can’t be that important. In fact, it’s often nice to get fired during the summer so you can enjoy the beach. Try sipping tequila, Jack Daniel’s, and Jagermeister openly at work—it’s a time-honored strategy for getting yourself a permanent holiday.

ASTROLIQUOR for July 20-26—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Start making vacation plans, Aries. Your calendar isn’t as thick with commitments as you’ve been telling people, and quitting your surroundings for a while will help various people cool off about those sordid incidents that inexplicably achieved lift-off via Hennessey cognac. If you can’t afford to get away for a week, try panhandling, but pick an unfamiliar part of town and keep a low profile!

Taurus, the stars say you’ll be surrounded by water very soon. Whether this is ominous (tsunami, hurricane, wet T-shirt exploits) or not (pleasant seaside vacation) depends on your level of paranoia, which in turn depends on how much gin you consume. Ease off if you need to, or mix it up with some peach schnapps. Whatever new cocktail you come up with, Sunday’s the best day for sharing.

It’s around somewhere, Gemini—at least that’s what you keep telling yourself. Take a deep breath. Calm yourself with some yummy Godet white chocolate liqueur. Whatever the item is, you can find it if you take a systematic approach. After all, it couldn’t have walked away, right? It must be somewhere. But then again, you might have wrecked it or hucked it out the window during a drunken bender.

At first the week will seem ho-hum, Cancer, but a small purchase will get your world vibrating. You might need to fix it or buy some parts, but once you get past your irritation and realize what this product can do, you’ll never look back. It might keep you inside all day. You might never get dressed. You might dismiss friends and lovers so you can play with your new toy. But perhaps you should reconsider…after all, they might bring some rum to put in your new blender.

Leo, you don’t always listen to what others say, but this week you should pay attention. Let their words sink in—a constant headful of gin, vermouth, and crème de menthe makes it hard to absorb information. Of course, your friends might be dead boring. But if they’re not, you might want to do some memory exercises. Do them drunk to establish an unintimidating baseline for yourself.

Rampant emotion is your Achilles heel this week, Virgo, so stop listening to Journey and any other hair-band ballads in your awesome mix. Get some rest; all-nighters make you vulnerable to sentimentality. If you go on pushing yourself, as soon as you get a day off work, you’ll crash. If you don’t think you can go to bed at a decent hour, fill up with vodka and blue curacao. That’ll get you there.

Libra, get ready for a compelling monetary offer. You’re due for a minor windfall, even if it’s just the bank granting you more credit. Sounds like cause for celebration! Get out the Golden Grain 95-proof, toss in a few drops of lemonade, and run around in a thong. Everything’s awesome, and it’s only getting better. Who knows—you might also receive that pardon you applied for.

Someone gives you an unexpected and lavish compliment, Scorpio, thereby getting into your good graces. But can you trust this person? There’s only one way to find out: ply your friend with that peachy truth serum we call Southern Comfort. If your friend is an Aries, everything’s probably cool. Go outside and reel around together; it’ll do you good.

Sagittarius, paranoia and tension are making you your own worst enemy. Identify the things you can’t change versus the things you can. For instance, your local booze shop might not have a gin brand you like, and if it’s a government store, the process of approving and stocking that item is so laboriously bureaucratic that you could make yourself miserable fixating on it. Accept what you can’t control, and go with the flow.

You want more money, Capricorn, and the stars are telling you to go get it. The lottery hasn’t been working out, nor have any of your recent dates left money on the dresser. You might have to exert yourself. Then again, maybe it would be more Zen not to exert yourself, and let the largesse come to you. Hmmm. The stars say not. I see you lurching around with Bacardi 151 in one hand and Wild Turkey in the other, wondering if you can sell your couch.

Aquarius, you’re talented at keeping your true self to yourself, but when you get close to someone, your secrets slip out. This week it could be a Capricorn, a Libra, or a fellow Aquarius who liquors you up with vodka, rum, and amaretto—and learns something weird about you. No malice, though—this friend’s a keeper. Along with secrets you’ll be sharing a blaring hangover.

Pisces, your brain hurts. Between memory dropouts and everyday hangovers, your nerves are shot. If this keeps up, you won’t be able to concentrate on any one thing for more than a few seconds. Perhaps you should ease off on the rye. But if that’s unappealing, try mixing it with antioxidant-laden blueberry schnapps plus Red Bull. Your liver won’t like it but your brain will thank you.