My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Start making vacation plans, Aries. Your calendar isn’t as thick with commitments as you’ve been telling people, and quitting your surroundings for a while will help various people cool off about those sordid incidents that inexplicably achieved lift-off via Hennessey cognac. If you can’t afford to get away for a week, try panhandling, but pick an unfamiliar part of town and keep a low profile!
Taurus, the stars say you’ll be surrounded by water very soon. Whether this is ominous (tsunami, hurricane, wet T-shirt exploits) or not (pleasant seaside vacation) depends on your level of paranoia, which in turn depends on how much gin you consume. Ease off if you need to, or mix it up with some peach schnapps. Whatever new cocktail you come up with, Sunday’s the best day for sharing.
It’s around somewhere, Gemini—at least that’s what you keep telling yourself. Take a deep breath. Calm yourself with some yummy Godet white chocolate liqueur. Whatever the item is, you can find it if you take a systematic approach. After all, it couldn’t have walked away, right? It must be somewhere. But then again, you might have wrecked it or hucked it out the window during a drunken bender.
At first the week will seem ho-hum, Cancer, but a small purchase will get your world vibrating. You might need to fix it or buy some parts, but once you get past your irritation and realize what this product can do, you’ll never look back. It might keep you inside all day. You might never get dressed. You might dismiss friends and lovers so you can play with your new toy. But perhaps you should reconsider…after all, they might bring some rum to put in your new blender.
Leo, you don’t always listen to what others say, but this week you should pay attention. Let their words sink in—a constant headful of gin, vermouth, and crème de menthe makes it hard to absorb information. Of course, your friends might be dead boring. But if they’re not, you might want to do some memory exercises. Do them drunk to establish an unintimidating baseline for yourself.
Rampant emotion is your Achilles heel this week, Virgo, so stop listening to Journey and any other hair-band ballads in your awesome mix. Get some rest; all-nighters make you vulnerable to sentimentality. If you go on pushing yourself, as soon as you get a day off work, you’ll crash. If you don’t think you can go to bed at a decent hour, fill up with vodka and blue curacao. That’ll get you there.
Libra, get ready for a compelling monetary offer. You’re due for a minor windfall, even if it’s just the bank granting you more credit. Sounds like cause for celebration! Get out the Golden Grain 95-proof, toss in a few drops of lemonade, and run around in a thong. Everything’s awesome, and it’s only getting better. Who knows—you might also receive that pardon you applied for.
Someone gives you an unexpected and lavish compliment, Scorpio, thereby getting into your good graces. But can you trust this person? There’s only one way to find out: ply your friend with that peachy truth serum we call Southern Comfort. If your friend is an Aries, everything’s probably cool. Go outside and reel around together; it’ll do you good.
Sagittarius, paranoia and tension are making you your own worst enemy. Identify the things you can’t change versus the things you can. For instance, your local booze shop might not have a gin brand you like, and if it’s a government store, the process of approving and stocking that item is so laboriously bureaucratic that you could make yourself miserable fixating on it. Accept what you can’t control, and go with the flow.
You want more money, Capricorn, and the stars are telling you to go get it. The lottery hasn’t been working out, nor have any of your recent dates left money on the dresser. You might have to exert yourself. Then again, maybe it would be more Zen not to exert yourself, and let the largesse come to you. Hmmm. The stars say not. I see you lurching around with Bacardi 151 in one hand and Wild Turkey in the other, wondering if you can sell your couch.
Aquarius, you’re talented at keeping your true self to yourself, but when you get close to someone, your secrets slip out. This week it could be a Capricorn, a Libra, or a fellow Aquarius who liquors you up with vodka, rum, and amaretto—and learns something weird about you. No malice, though—this friend’s a keeper. Along with secrets you’ll be sharing a blaring hangover.
Pisces, your brain hurts. Between memory dropouts and everyday hangovers, your nerves are shot. If this keeps up, you won’t be able to concentrate on any one thing for more than a few seconds. Perhaps you should ease off on the rye. But if that’s unappealing, try mixing it with antioxidant-laden blueberry schnapps plus Red Bull. Your liver won’t like it but your brain will thank you.