My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
Planet Mars is making you berserk with rage this week, Aries. Friends and family will run for cover, and—needless to say—you must stay out of bars or find yourself in (another) bar fight. Not only that, but there’s a Cancer pub-crawling for an Aries like you, and once this person snags you, he/she won’t let go. OMG! You need to drink something calming…and solitary. How about vodka with cherry brandy and orange juice?
Taurus, technical things will make you feel like a nitwit this week. Usually you’re pretty intuitive about computers, stereo gear, and the blender—but a brainful of rum makes them all a challenge. In fact, even going to the bathroom is a challenge. This won’t do, Taurus. It’s one thing to tie one on; it’s quite another to drink yourself into incontinence. Try to socialize a bit instead, especially on Tuesday and Thursday.
You become sappy and nostalgic for pastimes you once enjoyed, Gemini, such as board games and charades. This was before you had a computer: pre-Farmville and pre-Sims. Time to break out the Pisco for an old-fashioned drinking game. Invite some friends over and defrag your computer while you play Asshole. The stars say Sunday’s the best day, especially if nudity is involved.
- 1 cup vodka
- 6 Coors Light cans
- 2 cans pink lemonade concentrate
Leo, work is boring the hell out of you and progress feels minimal. (Make sure your boss doesn’t get the same impression.) The week’s frustrations are compounded by a car problem—a small issue you ignored, which then got out of control. Sounds like an excellent opportunity to ride the bus to work. Bus rides can be like safaris, depending on your ‘hood, and a flask of Hypnotiq will make the commute even more exotic.
The stars are financially-minded this week, Virgo. Analyze your situation: you may be living above or below your means. If you add it all up you may be delighted to find you have extra money for household items…perhaps a new bed or couch, plus a crapload of Bacardi 151 and peach schnapps. (Or maybe just the booze.)
Libra, you’re feeling tied down by work, relationships, and debt. What happened to the freedom you used to enjoy? Let’s face it, it’s gone, but you can still go on a wicked bender and temporarily forget your shackles. Equal parts tequila and peppermint schnapps should produce the necessary mood adjustment.
Sunshine and sand beckon, Scorpio. No doubt you deserve it, no matter what your peeps say. But can you afford a sunny vacation? Probably not, so put it on your credit card. While you’re at it, charge a 46er of Smirnoff and some DeKuiper Razzmatazz too. These products are essential for mental health, and they help remove spending inhibitions, which should make your holiday awesome.
Sagittarius, there’s nothing more soul-destroying than doing what’s expected of you. Is there a passion you’re resisted pursuing because it would conflict with your career? Now’s the time to go for it! And if your passion is simply…drinking, well then, here’s your recipe:
- 1 oz vodka
- 1 oz gin
- 1 oz Everclear
- 1 oz rum
- 1 oz apple schnapps
- 1 oz whiskey
- 1 oz tequila
- 1 oz rye
All this goodness goes into a Big Gulp. The recipe for a passionate life.
You’ve been called unflappable in the past, Capricorn, but the truth is you’re not handling stress very well lately. Even when your brain feels okay, your body tells a different story. Are you crashing on the weekend? Getting sick on your holidays? Having bourbon for breakfast? If you are having bourbon for breakfast, send me your address. I’ll come over and join you.
Aquarius, the stars want you to weigh your expenditures against your expenses. (I know, the stars suck sometimes.) Good timing—you can expect a small windfall very soon. This in turn will inspire you to invest in your future earnings, creating a prosperous spiral. And this in turn will attract new relationships (go figure). Keep some vodka handy for fairweather friends—they can be boring when you’re not drunk.
Pisces, gear down this week. Work slowly, without excessive effort. Take a nature walk. Don’t worry about productivity; your job can’t be that important. In fact, it’s often nice to get fired during the summer so you can enjoy the beach. Try sipping tequila, Jack Daniel’s, and Jagermeister openly at work—it’s a time-honored strategy for getting yourself a permanent holiday.