specious advice

ASTROLIQUOR for July 12-18—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Expect bad news concerning a friend’s health, Aries. This person used to be active but is flat on his/her ass right now. It’s serious, so you should visit soon. You never know how fast these Kubler-Ross stages can go, but try to arrive during “denial” and before “anger.” Hollow out a pineapple and sneak it into your friend’s hospital room along with white rum, spiced rum, amaretto, and pineapple juice. Be a good friend and speak frankly, and if you feel too sad, go ahead and get drunk.

Taurus, do you have a good friend you’ve been ignoring? Don’t get written off as a douchebag—at least write an email explaining how your brain’s been too saturated with Everclear and Bacardi 151 for you to leave the house. But don’t divulge too much—your friend doesn’t need to know about the three-week old vomit patch in the hallway or the reason your cat runs away from you. Just be friendly and vague.

You’re running on empty, Gemini, so kick back with some white rum and lime. Ignore requests to start new projects, update files, or come into work. Filling your head with rum will give you newfound clarity and leave you open to new experiences. Even reeling around the produce aisle could lead you to a new friend or two. It all starts with the rum.

Mind your spending habits, Cancer, or your finances will be good and f#cked. Write down your expenses to gain some insight into your patterns. This will actually blow your mind, as most of the time you have no idea where the money goes. Just think: with a little financial constraint you’ll be able to afford better tequila, and boy will your tummy ever thank you. Not only that—you’ll attract flirtatious interest from some tire-biting neighbor who thinks you must be rich because you have a nice car. Ha!

Leo, this week features strong, troubling feelings that threaten to get the better of you. But you don’t want to bother friends with these feelings. Suppress them with an awesome Molson/Malibu combo. Not only will you triumph over your emotions; you’ll remember nothing, and if you consume enough, your babbling will be too incoherent to reveal any facts. What do you mean you’ve never combined beer and Malibu? Why wouldn’t you? Two parts to one and you’re gold.

Virgos tend to write a lot of complaint letters without expecting a response. This week someone will write back to you—oh joy! But the more carefully you read the response, the more you realize you’ve been given the bum’s rush. Just be glad you got a reply, Virgo. Your original letter was almost unreadable and soaked in spilt tequila. What were you asking for anyway? Oh yeah, more tequila. And triple sec. But why were you asking your pastor?

Libra, you realize this week that it’s time to get a job. Most of your friends have them, so why not? But you don’t feel ready to actually apply for anything. Quite right. You may wish to stop drinking Zombies for a few days so the words on the wanted ads will stop moving and let you read them. But really, who applies for a job in summer?

This is a happy week for you, Scorpio. The last few weeks you’ve spent event-planning have led to satisfaction and serenity—and this calls for a drink:

  • 3 oz Bacardi 151
  • 1 oz creme de cacao
  • 1 oz cream

Shake everything and pour over ice. Ahhhhh! A structured life can be rewarding.

Sagittarius, you’re getting the urge to break the rules. You find any sort of constraint intolerable this week—even traffic rules. Solution? Park your car and ditch work. Make yourself a weird concoction for breakfast. How about blackberry liqueur with amaretto? Alternatively you could stay sober and have an energetic bike ride or an early-morning yoga class. LOL.

Harmony surrounds you this week, Capricorn. Sure, there are workaday stresses and demands, but these make you feel effective and productive. Meanwhile, friendships are ticking along nicely. Basically everything’s great, but you know how Capricorns are. Things can’t be this good, can they?! Better start examining, overanalyzing, sabotaging. Naturally, alcohol can help. I see you starting in a celebratory mode with champagne and taking it downward from there.

Aquarius, start passing out your business cards; this is a great week to meet new people—especially a Leo. Most of the people you already know are afraid of you because of that apple vodka tantrum from a while back. Only new people from outside your usual circles will be unaware of these types of behaviors. How long can you hang onto your new Leo friend without painting him/her with schnapps-scented barf?

Pisces, take the time to make someone happy this week. Don’t worry; you don’t need to spend money—just post some cat pictures on his/her Facebook page or send a friendly text. Don’t telephone, though! It’s pretty hard to talk coherently with a full bottle of bourbon down the hatch. Either that, or make the call before you crack the bourbon. But 6:00am is pretty early.

ASTROLIQUOR for July 6-12—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

There’s a lot of hubbub around you, Aries. You’re going all neatfreaky, getting your environment just so. Whatever you’re planning, the stars are egging you on, especially if it involves Captain Morgan. Once you have your house shipshape, maybe you’ll feel like having a housewrecker. Invite everyone!

Taurus, staying awake and focused is going to be tough this week. You’re preoccupied with making the perfect martini. Gin or vodka? Lemon or olive? Perhaps some weird martini feature you’d find in a restaurant? If you take this option you may be able to shake off the blahs. Restaurants are full of interesting people. Order a plate of fries, then drink assorted martinis until they cut you off.

Get a handle on your capabilities this week, Gemini, so you don’t make liquor-related errors. You don’t, for instance, want to handle knives for a while. If someone invites you to play Russian Roulette with a real gun, say “no.” In fact, don’t gamble at all—don’t even buy underwear unless you’re absolutely sure it’s your size. But you can drink creme de cacao safely.

This week sucks from the get-go, Cancer, but don’t write it off. By week’s end things will turn around—as long as you listen to your gut. If it says, “Take a flask of applejack brandy to work,” don’t hesitate to do it. Although your workplace will offer up some bitchy conflicts on Monday, by Friday you’ll have mediated them—to the admiration of colleagues and superiors. Pass the flask!

Leo, in the next two weeks you’ll make solid financial decisions that will benefit you for a long time. Don’t vacillate too long; no matter how many pros and cons you can think of, let’s face it, the left brain is a bit of a killjoy. Subdue it with a mix of rum, vodka, and (optional) gingerale. Once your analytical side is safely out of the picture, you can buy things on ebay, send money to deposed Nigerian leaders, and acquire more thongs.

You’re suppressing a lot of rage, Virgo—so effectively that your friends and relatives can’t detect it. But the steam is building up inside you, and if you don’t release it you’ll go apeshit crazy. Consider taking a long nature walk or relaxing at the beach. If those ideas don’t work, make yourself a giant happy drink:

  • 4 oz root beer schnapps
  • 2 oz vanilla schnapps
  • 1 can Coke
  • Whipped cream

You might have to experiment a few times to get it right. After a few batches your friends and relatives will seem much more tolerable (but this won’t be reciprocal).

Libra,  just one glass of wine will change your perspective on everything this week—love, money, friends, work. People will find you more interesting (or so it will seem). You’ll make out with a Taurus. People will laugh and cheer, until you up the ante from wine to champagne. Slowly, they’ll start to think you’re a douche, and by the time you graduate to Everclear with gingerale they’ll have already gone home. OMG!

You’ve got domestic changes happening, Scorpio. Maybe you’re moving; maybe you’re renovating—there sure is a lot of shit in your yard. Try to steer clear of inquisitive neighbors. Even though you’re pretty good at ignoring them, for some reason they’re baiting you this week. It’s none of their business what you do in your yard. Knock that blue raspberry vodka Gatorade back and leave them to their boring breakfast.

Sagittarius, your emotions are highly honed these days. You spent most of your spring reeling around with a headful of tequila, which helped you discover your Third Eye and gave you craploads of insight into who you are and what you really want in life. The next step is to assess your personal and public personae. Which needs more attention? Pour some more tequila and ponder the question.

The stars are talking private finance this week, Capricorn. Could be you’re buying/selling a home, or maybe just consolidating personal debt. Obviously this is stressful as hell and calls for lashings of Grey Goose. As you slog through it, your mental state will improve. You’ll feel more comfortable talking with others about your money situation, especially if they’ll stand you a round of vodka.

Aquarius, if you’ve ever been tempted by the occult, this is your week. You’ve spent years ignoring those tweaky little signs that there’s Something Out There, disavowing the supernatural world in favor of your rational side. Well, there really is some freaky shit out there. Did you know there’s a possessed bear at LBHQ who houses the ghost of my dead Granny? Man, that bear scares the shit out of me. What we need is some Stolichnaya with melon liqueur and triple sec.

Pisces, your memory is usually pretty good, but this week it fails you. Don’t worry—you’re not over the hill and you’re not sick. You’re just pissed all the time on rum. Notice how you lose concentration after half a liter or so. Notice how uninteresting your friends and relatives seem; how everything is in slow-mo. It’s all you, friend! Cut your booze a bit with some mixer.

A break from drunkenness

Like any other blogger I’m overjoyed to have followers, and I don’t know how many it will take for me to stop getting excited about each new one. If I’m not semi-comatose, watching a violent TV show with my dad, or modeling earrings and barrettes for the kids, I try to make sure I visit each one. I like to get a sense of the people (animals? koalas? frogs?) checking out the site. And if someone digs the antics chronicled in this space, chances are I’ll get a kick out of their posts too.

But today I’m taking a little departure from the usual paean to drunkenness. I want to address several new followers whose own blogs center around their battles with alcoholism, and often mention spirituality, whether holistic or referencing a personal savior.

Sobriety gets a little downplayed here.

I guess I’m a little perplexed at attracting followers of this nature. It reminds me somewhat of past followers (who’ve joined but not left) whose own blogs are dedicated to right-wing politics, country music, romance novels, creationism, etc., and who might find their interests lampooned at LBHQ with some frequency. And while these aforementioned subjects are all fair game in my liquor-drizzled world, I feel a guilty twinge at the idea that people struggling with alcohol might have, when they hit the Follow button, thought Liquorstore Bear was concerned with addiction and recovery in any responsible or mature sense.

It isn’t.

Regular readers know this, and for all I know, my new readers realize it as well. But I don’t want to be a dick and ignore the elephant in the room—alcoholism. Everybody at LBHQ recognizes alcoholism to be a very real and serious social problem. None of the humans at the house engage in heavy drinking, which is why the booze reviews here are thinly spread between specious astrological advice, apocalyptic predictions, Walmart pictures, and randomness.

The terms “alcoholic” and “alcoholism” are generally used facetiously, following the house philosophy that anything you can think of between A and Z is worth a laugh. A litmus test in our house might be this cartoon:

If you can laugh at it, you’re safe here.

But if a focus on alcohol plus attempted humor minimizing the gravity of alcohol abuse/addiction puts you, as a reader, in a negative headspace, please un-follow.

I won’t be offended.

By the same token you’re very welcome to stay. As mentioned, you may well know exactly what you’re here for, and it’s not my business to say you shouldn’t be here. I like having you here, and it’s up to you. Our world is full of booze—in advertising, movies, restaurants, public places—and I’d be an idiot to think this little site could tip someone over the edge.

Oh wait. I am kind of an idiot.

So I just wanted to make sure you really wanted to be here. Kay?