Southern Comfort

ASTROLIQUOR for July 20-26—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Start making vacation plans, Aries. Your calendar isn’t as thick with commitments as you’ve been telling people, and quitting your surroundings for a while will help various people cool off about those sordid incidents that inexplicably achieved lift-off via Hennessey cognac. If you can’t afford to get away for a week, try panhandling, but pick an unfamiliar part of town and keep a low profile!

Taurus, the stars say you’ll be surrounded by water very soon. Whether this is ominous (tsunami, hurricane, wet T-shirt exploits) or not (pleasant seaside vacation) depends on your level of paranoia, which in turn depends on how much gin you consume. Ease off if you need to, or mix it up with some peach schnapps. Whatever new cocktail you come up with, Sunday’s the best day for sharing.

It’s around somewhere, Gemini—at least that’s what you keep telling yourself. Take a deep breath. Calm yourself with some yummy Godet white chocolate liqueur. Whatever the item is, you can find it if you take a systematic approach. After all, it couldn’t have walked away, right? It must be somewhere. But then again, you might have wrecked it or hucked it out the window during a drunken bender.

At first the week will seem ho-hum, Cancer, but a small purchase will get your world vibrating. You might need to fix it or buy some parts, but once you get past your irritation and realize what this product can do, you’ll never look back. It might keep you inside all day. You might never get dressed. You might dismiss friends and lovers so you can play with your new toy. But perhaps you should reconsider…after all, they might bring some rum to put in your new blender.

Leo, you don’t always listen to what others say, but this week you should pay attention. Let their words sink in—a constant headful of gin, vermouth, and crème de menthe makes it hard to absorb information. Of course, your friends might be dead boring. But if they’re not, you might want to do some memory exercises. Do them drunk to establish an unintimidating baseline for yourself.

Rampant emotion is your Achilles heel this week, Virgo, so stop listening to Journey and any other hair-band ballads in your awesome mix. Get some rest; all-nighters make you vulnerable to sentimentality. If you go on pushing yourself, as soon as you get a day off work, you’ll crash. If you don’t think you can go to bed at a decent hour, fill up with vodka and blue curacao. That’ll get you there.

Libra, get ready for a compelling monetary offer. You’re due for a minor windfall, even if it’s just the bank granting you more credit. Sounds like cause for celebration! Get out the Golden Grain 95-proof, toss in a few drops of lemonade, and run around in a thong. Everything’s awesome, and it’s only getting better. Who knows—you might also receive that pardon you applied for.

Someone gives you an unexpected and lavish compliment, Scorpio, thereby getting into your good graces. But can you trust this person? There’s only one way to find out: ply your friend with that peachy truth serum we call Southern Comfort. If your friend is an Aries, everything’s probably cool. Go outside and reel around together; it’ll do you good.

Sagittarius, paranoia and tension are making you your own worst enemy. Identify the things you can’t change versus the things you can. For instance, your local booze shop might not have a gin brand you like, and if it’s a government store, the process of approving and stocking that item is so laboriously bureaucratic that you could make yourself miserable fixating on it. Accept what you can’t control, and go with the flow.

You want more money, Capricorn, and the stars are telling you to go get it. The lottery hasn’t been working out, nor have any of your recent dates left money on the dresser. You might have to exert yourself. Then again, maybe it would be more Zen not to exert yourself, and let the largesse come to you. Hmmm. The stars say not. I see you lurching around with Bacardi 151 in one hand and Wild Turkey in the other, wondering if you can sell your couch.

Aquarius, you’re talented at keeping your true self to yourself, but when you get close to someone, your secrets slip out. This week it could be a Capricorn, a Libra, or a fellow Aquarius who liquors you up with vodka, rum, and amaretto—and learns something weird about you. No malice, though—this friend’s a keeper. Along with secrets you’ll be sharing a blaring hangover.

Pisces, your brain hurts. Between memory dropouts and everyday hangovers, your nerves are shot. If this keeps up, you won’t be able to concentrate on any one thing for more than a few seconds. Perhaps you should ease off on the rye. But if that’s unappealing, try mixing it with antioxidant-laden blueberry schnapps plus Red Bull. Your liver won’t like it but your brain will thank you.

ASTROLIQUOR for April 27–May 3—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You realize you’ve spent the last two months in hell, Aries. Take heart; things are getting better, but you still have to work to avoid a bar fight. This week features new friendships—in particular, a new bond with someone eerily like yourself, which you think is awesome. In psychology circles we call this narcissism. The condition is further fueled by some work success. Your big danger right now is hubris and the associated bar brawl that typifies an Aries weekend. Stay home and teach yourself how to make an Irish coffee.

Taurus, that anxiety you’ve been feeling eases off this week. Now that you’re not afraid of getting reamed out at work, you speak freely—ahhh! A long-absent sense of personal sovereignty returns, and so does your inner hedonist. Do only things you really want to do! Indulge your creative side by messing around with some paint. Or, if you don’t feel like venturing into Walmart to buy paint, make yourself an Absolut Zero: two parts each of vodka, Kahlua, and cream to one part peppermint schnapps. Lovely! Your inner hedonist wants you to have ten of them.

It’s a comfort week, Gemini. You’re all about staying warm, cozy, and non-serious—and you’re on a mission to minimize work. With no patience for deep thought or conversation, you’ll be actively trivial for the foreseeable future. Jettison any tasks that matter and break out the Bacardi 151. Add equal parts brandy and peppermint schnapps, then light the whole thing on fire.

An Aquarian colleague is interested in you, Cancer. Even though this person is creepy, you feel drawn to explore the possibilities. It’s happened to you plenty of times—sheer horniness conquers logic and you end up humping in a closet. This isn’t the only arena where bad judgment will figure this week. You really ought not to drive at all, with all these rutting hormones confusing left from right for you. Oh yeah, and you’ll buy a lot of Hypnotiq for strangers at the pub.

Leo, don’t stew about your recent bad luck. Instead, find the idiots who brought it on you (Libra, Aquarius, or Leo) and let them have it. At least one of these people is a masochist who won’t mind an abusive tirade. After spending the week being an asshole, you’ll find love on Saturday. I see a lot of sherry and tequila involved.

You’ll meet new people this week, Virgo, which is a relief, because you’ve worn out your existing friends. So novel are these newcomers that you’ll feel free to be yourself. Careful! Forcing new friends to read your languishing screenplay is a sure-fire way to drive them off. Why not mix up some Southern Comfort with triple sec and listen to their stories? Just sayin’.

Libra, an industrious urge comes over you, leading you to volunteer every which way. Be careful! If you take on too much, you’ll end up as everybody’s bitch. There’s nothing wrong with the initial impulse, but you do have some douchey friends who’ll take advantage if you let them. In fact, douchey friends are going to come out of the woodwork soon. That’s because you’re finally going to complete your dream bar. It’ll have everything……rum, amaretto, Jager… But how will you pay for it? That’s easy. You’re going to win the lottery on Monday.

Not everyone gets your sense of humor, Scorpio. An acquaintance will try to one-up you this week in the prank department and be totally out of your league. Nothing is out of bounds for you; you’re fully capable of preparing an earthworm sandwich and watching your pal eat it. But there is a hazard to you. In your quest to win, you’ll overspend, leaving only enough cash for paint-thinner gin instead of Bombay Sapphire.

Sagittarius, this week it occurs to you that there are two people in the bed: the other person and you. When you ask your partner how you’re doing, you get an earful—oh, snap! That’s what comes of trying to perform after half a dozen bourbons. The good news is you’re talking about it. The bad news is you might need to modify your lifestyle a little. When it comes right down to it, life’s pretty good—someone offers you money this week for very little work. Yeah!

You get an uncomfortable surprise this week, Capricorn. In fact, everything that happens is a surprise because you’ll be spending 100% of the week hammered. The culprit is (typically) Captain Morgan. When you start drinking that shit on the bus to work, you might as well not show up. Your colleagues think you’re a total space cadet, but you can get away with it for a few days.

Aquarius, good things come in threes, so start counting. First, you’ll meet someone nice—either totally new or someone from your past. Second, work will go smoothly; you won’t even need to take a flask. Third, you’ll go liquor shopping and spend your whole paycheque. How awesome! Start with Jack Daniel’s and fill a shopping cart.

Pisces, you are charmingly oblivious to how offensive you are. That’s a real gift. It enables you to behave in a vacuum, unencumbered by considerations of others. What a perfect state of mind when you’re solo. But it gets better! You’ll meet someone who mirrors these tendencies exactly—perhaps even someone from your old cell block. So immediately connected are you that you almost read each other’s thoughts. When one of you thinks vodka and the other thinks gin, you combine the two.

ASTROLIQUOR for April 6-12—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’ve got a boring week on tap, Aries. Weak planetary influences mean you’ll be on autopilot most days, which could lead to some minor screw-ups. Totally ordinary ones, mind you, and drama-free. As an Aries you hate going too long without a bar fight—try to be patient! Your ornery life will return with a vengeance next week. In the meantime you can at least make yourself an interesting shot: equal parts Tia Maria, Bailey’s, and creme de menthe.

Taurus, you’re already thinking about your birthday…you hedonist. Try focusing on a friend whose birthday is also approaching. Find a unique present on the internet—something with the emotional resonance to capture how special your friendship is. Failing that, have a case of Corona delivered to your friend. Go over and hang out.

Your self-confidence is on a high, Gemini. Find some new friends at the supermarket and have a party. Did you know that you can combine gin and port? Your new friends will show you how (but they will also barf on your carpet). Saturday will be so good that you’ll truly hate Sunday.

Don’t be intimidated by anyone this week, Cancer. People are pretty stubborn about their convictions, but you can be too. So tell your AA sponsor to take a hike. This person is leading a hollow life and eating way too much cake. If he/she is really insistent about roping you into a meeting, take along a bottle of merlot.

Leo, your free spirit bumps up against some frustrating friends and acquaintances this week. Be happy there’s nothing important going on in your stars right now for them to mess up. You need to follow your passions, even if they lead you into naughty territory. So when that little voice in your head says Yes! Make a double martini substituting tequila for gin/vodka, do it.

Have you ever seen that movie about the kid who’s new in town and gets to reinvent his life, Virgo? That’s you this week, and the clock is ticking… You’ll be able to pull off the “new you” for about four days before people figure you out. This means any new relationships will remain mere vodka-fueled flirtations. Sounds good, right?

Libra, show your colleagues what you’re worth. You have so much to offer, and they are so mouthy sometimes. No one has worked so hard on the Penske File as you this year. Sit back and wait for your bonus, and don’t forget to throw some Galliano in your coffee mug.

Your love life is lucky, Scorpio. Trick yourself out with a conspicuous outfit so you can be noticed. (You might even want to hang around Walmart waiting for your close-up.) People with psychological problems will flock to you in droves. These are your people! Invite them home to share a box of white wine.

Sagittarius, be wary or you’ll embark on a turbulent relationship. There are no good days to get romantically involved this week; simply going outdoors will put you in a minefield. Generally speaking, you need to let logic guide you. This means declining a stranger’s offer to share a pitcher of Hawaiian Punch and cherry vodka. For you this may be common sense, but I had to think about it.

The stars are calling for eroticism, Capricorn, but don’t even think about finding a soulmate right now. Think messy flirtations and sloppy coupling (and if you have a home life to worry about, bad-ass domestic dispute when you come home smelling of beer and Strongbow). It’s much grittier than normal for Capricorn, but sometimes you need to let go.

Aquarius, when you go off your meds your OCD comes back with a vengeance. You find yourself counting split peas and turning the stove on/off three times before leaving the house. Try calling your parents to tell them it’s their fault. If that doesn’t work, sit down to a project:

  • 3 oz brandy
  • 2 oz port
  • 1 egg
  • 2 tsp icing sugar
  • 1 oz cream
  • Pinch nutmeg (more if you want to get high)

Shake the first five ingredients up and dust with nutmeg. This should occupy you until your meds kick in.

Pisces, now that Uranus is in your sign, things are going to go wild in your life. Shake off your old patterns, annoying people, and even your job. You didn’t really like being employed anyway. It made it hard to drink Southern Comfort and blueberry schnapps all day.