My Fellow Inebriates,
Here’s your booze horoscope:
You’ve got a boring week on tap, Aries. Weak planetary influences mean you’ll be on autopilot most days, which could lead to some minor screw-ups. Totally ordinary ones, mind you, and drama-free. As an Aries you hate going too long without a bar fight—try to be patient! Your ornery life will return with a vengeance next week. In the meantime you can at least make yourself an interesting shot: equal parts Tia Maria, Bailey’s, and creme de menthe.
Taurus, you’re already thinking about your birthday…you hedonist. Try focusing on a friend whose birthday is also approaching. Find a unique present on the internet—something with the emotional resonance to capture how special your friendship is. Failing that, have a case of Corona delivered to your friend. Go over and hang out.
Your self-confidence is on a high, Gemini. Find some new friends at the supermarket and have a party. Did you know that you can combine gin and port? Your new friends will show you how (but they will also barf on your carpet). Saturday will be so good that you’ll truly hate Sunday.
Don’t be intimidated by anyone this week, Cancer. People are pretty stubborn about their convictions, but you can be too. So tell your AA sponsor to take a hike. This person is leading a hollow life and eating way too much cake. If he/she is really insistent about roping you into a meeting, take along a bottle of merlot.
Leo, your free spirit bumps up against some frustrating friends and acquaintances this week. Be happy there’s nothing important going on in your stars right now for them to mess up. You need to follow your passions, even if they lead you into naughty territory. So when that little voice in your head says Yes! Make a double martini substituting tequila for gin/vodka, do it.
Have you ever seen that movie about the kid who’s new in town and gets to reinvent his life, Virgo? That’s you this week, and the clock is ticking… You’ll be able to pull off the “new you” for about four days before people figure you out. This means any new relationships will remain mere vodka-fueled flirtations. Sounds good, right?
Libra, show your colleagues what you’re worth. You have so much to offer, and they are so mouthy sometimes. No one has worked so hard on the Penske File as you this year. Sit back and wait for your bonus, and don’t forget to throw some Galliano in your coffee mug.
Your love life is lucky, Scorpio. Trick yourself out with a conspicuous outfit so you can be noticed. (You might even want to hang around Walmart waiting for your close-up.) People with psychological problems will flock to you in droves. These are your people! Invite them home to share a box of white wine.
Sagittarius, be wary or you’ll embark on a turbulent relationship. There are no good days to get romantically involved this week; simply going outdoors will put you in a minefield. Generally speaking, you need to let logic guide you. This means declining a stranger’s offer to share a pitcher of Hawaiian Punch and cherry vodka. For you this may be common sense, but I had to think about it.
The stars are calling for eroticism, Capricorn, but don’t even think about finding a soulmate right now. Think messy flirtations and sloppy coupling (and if you have a home life to worry about, bad-ass domestic dispute when you come home smelling of beer and Strongbow). It’s much grittier than normal for Capricorn, but sometimes you need to let go.
Aquarius, when you go off your meds your OCD comes back with a vengeance. You find yourself counting split peas and turning the stove on/off three times before leaving the house. Try calling your parents to tell them it’s their fault. If that doesn’t work, sit down to a project:
- 3 oz brandy
- 2 oz port
- 1 egg
- 2 tsp icing sugar
- 1 oz cream
- Pinch nutmeg (more if you want to get high)
Shake the first five ingredients up and dust with nutmeg. This should occupy you until your meds kick in.
Pisces, now that Uranus is in your sign, things are going to go wild in your life. Shake off your old patterns, annoying people, and even your job. You didn’t really like being employed anyway. It made it hard to drink Southern Comfort and blueberry schnapps all day.
Liquorstore Bear 
LB as ALWAYS love your Astroliquor posts. How do you do it? Psychic bears? While my pathetic love life draws psychotic non-bears? The horror.
Being a Scorpio isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, except in the naughty department and entire plotting revenge thing. I AM following your astrological advice: shall bring a box ‘o white wine with me to weekend festivities out of town. Trust me, MY people will be there… including the maybe-not sure-who the-fuck-knows ex-boyfriend and two of my Burning Man besties. On a ranch. In the desert.
Nothing goes better with a circle of peeps with psychological disabilities than box ‘o wine!
When will you post your 976 psychic-alkie hotline number? Hoping Bears are standing by!
hahaha, here’s how I do it. I swipe a “real” astrologer’s (LOL) forecast and paraphrase it, then hit “random drink” on drinkmixer.com and try to think of something to associate the two borrowed ideas.
Do you believe me?
or…maybe I stare at my star chart and absorb the inspiration…
one or the other
I’m also a Scorpio, so the box of wine speaks to me large.
One day we will go to Burning Man. At least my parents will. I’ll stay in the hotel room racking up an embarrassing pay-per-view bill 😉
LB you’d best have your parents take you to the playa and The Burn. Ohhhh the things you’ll see. Everyone loves fur at the Burn 😉
Spanky’s is a wine bar (if you consider two-buck-Chuck a wine) as well….mixed drinks upon request, We need your genius at the bar; we serve at least 20,000 customers during the week. Bring your own cup -the frivolity, drinks and debauchery are all on us.
You have an in to sit on the bar observing and accumulating adulation from your fans; I’m the bar manager.
Get your parents to get your tickets for next year….
Whoa! Total coup getting LB at Spanky’s!
Aside: Every year I receive as gifts several bottles from serious vintners and family owned wineries located in Sonoma, Napa and northern California. Many of my previous year’s gifts have run $50.00+ retail…omg nom.
Love the whole ‘no money only gifting/exchange’ thing at Burning Man.
Come! Bring your genius and prognostications!
Oh.. Scorpio High Five!
I would totally love that. I have to work on my homebody parents. Being at that bar…ah, what a dream.
I’m kind of scared at how accurate this is, LB!
That is a little scary!