Day Three in the Plague House…no ratings, please

My Fellow Inebriates,

I’ve never seen so much vomit. LBHQ is a plague house, people. You never know who’s gonna hurl next. Just when someone decides it’s safe to eat a pizza—OMG!

Even vomiting on a daily basis couldn’t inure me to the sights I’ve seen these past four days. But I’ve never thought to take pictures.

But wouldn’t you know it, others have…Did you know you could view an array of post-digestive offerings from Rate My Vomit?

This one’s called “Too Many Shooters.”

 

And this one’s called “mmm whole milk.” I don’t know what that means, do you? Has he been drinking yak’s milk? Like, A LOT of yak’s milk?

 

I had no idea there was an appetite for a site like Rate My Vomit. I discovered it by accident while searching for a cure for vomiting. Little did I know I could view a staggering gallery of multi-coloured and textured vomit, rate each offering, and spread these pics to the world beyond. Note the “Report as Inappropriate” button. Can I click it for all of them?

What is this a symptom of, my fellow inebriates? Dissolution? Pre-apocalyptic cynicism? Collective malaise? The demise of empathy? The ass-end of voyeurism?

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Jell-O shot idea

Says one of my recent Facebook friend additions, Ian:

If you want yummy Jell-O shots — get Wild Cherry mixed with Amaretto — Fantastic!

I do want yummy Jell-O shots. Leaving this graphic aside…

…Jell-O shots are a plain-old great idea. I love all kinds, but this suggestion from Ian is a new one for me. When I think about it, it makes perfect sense, but I’m not sure why. The two flavors just seem to go together.

But almonds don’t taste like cherries. In fact, almonds don’t even taste like amaretto. Why is that? Am I just too wasted to know what I’m consuming?

Apparently the answer lies in the almonds. Amaretto, at least in its original formulation, was made with European almonds—bitter almonds. Whereas the almonds we eat here in North America are sweet almonds. It seems we are just too candy-assed to eat things like bitter almonds here. In fact, it’s illegal to cultivate them in North America. OMG, why?

It turns out bitter almonds contain laetrile, which contains two poisons: cyanide and benzaldehyde, the latter being the active ingredient that gives almond extract its well-known bitter aroma and taste. And all kinds of stone fruit contain laetrile–cherries, peaches, apricots. Most amaretto is made from apricots, not almonds, because they contain the same poison. Wow!

So, how much of this shit would I have to consume to die??

Well, thankfully a lot. Europeans eat bitter almonds all the time without keeling over, and by some dumb-ass contradictory bureaucratic food regulation we legally import bitter almond oil. So it’s okay, friends, you can eat that shit. Eat it, drink it, shoot it.

Yummly Jell-O shots

Checking out the inventory this morning, I realized we have a genuine booze emergency in the house. If you haven’t read my lamentations about the liquor cupboard being bare, here’s a list of what we have:

    • Bacardi Big Apple Rum—8 oz or so
    • Malibu—maybe 3 oz
    • Cusano Rojo Mezcal—2 oz, worm definitely dead
    • El Senorio Mezcal—4 oz, never opened, worm still hanging out in there
    • AppletonEstate Rum—2 oz

Needless to say, all are sealed tightly enough to defeat my furry, thumbless paws.

So I’d say that’s a crisis, wouldn’t you? These little remainders have been languishing for years. I’ve just about given up any hope of inspiring my parents to get into these rejected bottles. Just about…

Enter Yummly Nibbles & Bits, a gorgeous foodie website with pics that make even an alcoholic a little hungry. As you know, I don’t go in for solid food; I am all about liquor. But I’ll go as far as gels, and Yummly has a beautiful article on alcoholic Jell-O. They have some good ideas that might dovetail with our dreggish liquor cabinet.

But what is Jell-O exactly? Or more to the point, what is Jell-O made of? Well, hang on tight.

Phew! No bear parts. Unless they're included in "Other"???

Jell-O is gelatin-based, and gelatin is a “protein produced from collagen extracted from the boiled bones, connective tissues, and intestines of animals.” Whoa!

So what kinds of animals are we talking about? Just like you humans, I’m pretty good about compartmentalizing information, meaning I can shoot a Jell-O drink without envisioning the pigs, cows and chickens all jumbled up in its manufacture. But I’d have to draw the line if bears had any unfortunate part in gelatin production, just because I wouldn’t want to be a cannibal.

I googled “bear entrails vs gelatin” and was satisfied that bears are not used to make the stuff; however, gelatin is used to make gummi bears, which is cool. But you may want to avoid Jell-O shots if you’re concerned about them being kosher.

So what can we whip up using Jell-O and our meager booze rations?

From Bionic Bites

I want to make these very badly, but I have a few mods: I’m gonna sub Bacardi Big Apple Rum for the blueberry Stoli and leave out the actual blueberries. We have raspberry Jell-O so I’ll use that. The only hitch is that my mum says the kids will want it, so we have to leave out the rum.

From Bakers Royale

This one’s ingenious, but my mum will have to do all the work because I don’t have opposable thumbs or patience. You have to hollow out a bunch of strawberries…I thought we had some growing outside but it turns out they stop growing before November so we are SOL on that account. We can still make the Jell-O part because we have the right flavor (strawberry) and we have two kinds of Mezcal. I’ll use both and leave out the liqueur that we don’t have. Score!

Except my mum says we have to leave out the Mezcal so the kids can eat it. Oh, man.

from annie's eats

This one will work for sure.

Again, we have to scrap the orange liqueur, but it’s all good because we have Mezcal. We have to make sure the worm doesn’t fall into the lime Jell-O, though, because it might scare people. Now we’re all set.

Oh wait. My mum says we have to leave out the worm and the Mezcal. Sigh…

Why don’t you guys whip up some alcoholic Jell-O and tell me all about it?