5 reasons hand sanitizer makes a crappy jello shot

My fellow inebriates,

Some of you have asked me what you should do with all your leftover hand sanitizer if/when this COVID-19 thing blows over.

It’s a very good question.

While my instinctive, bear-with-two-brain-cells response is that it’ll make a good jelly shot in a pinch, a two-minute burst of research tells me this is NOT the case. Here’s why…

  1. It contains the wrong kind of alcohol. It contains not ethanol but isopropyl alcohol, a toxic type of alcohol that can permanently damage your liver, kidneys, eyes and brain if you drink it.isopropyl alcohol mar 13
  2. Even if your hand sanitizer does contain drinkable ethanol, it probably also contains a bunch of denaturing agents that may render it toxic (or at the very least, foul-tasting).
  3. The alcohol percentage is much higher than what you’ll find in spirits such as gin or vodka. So even if you find some ethanol-based hand sanitizer, drinking it carries a higher risk of alcohol poisoning.
  4. One of your first symptoms after “sanitizer tasting” will be diarrhea, and that’s never a party favourite.
  5. It’s not yummy, people. Trust me—I got some on my paws this week and of course I sampled it. If you’re wondering whether a small taste will kill you, it won’t. But I give it a very poor review.

Photo: Isopropyl alcohol, Wikipedia

Mixing like Zaphod Beeblebrox (sorta)

Today’s local paper carries an opinion piece about blue raspberry–flavored foods. “When did blue raspberry become a thing?” asks Angie Quaale of the Langley Times, noting that food is not generally supposed to be blue.

Indeed, a blue hue often reliably indicates that food is off. Even blue food that’s ostensibly palatable, such as blue cheese and that weird potato-like thing that Arthur Dent sampled in the hull of a Vogon ship, gives plenty of consumers the dry heaves. Yet here we have a marketplace where blue raspberry everything shimmers and sparkles at us. You name it: Jell-O, kids’ lunch snacks and juices, and popsicles, the very product Angie tags as responsible for the incursion of blue raspberry into the marketplace.

More troublingly, Angie says blue raspberry is artificial.

I didn’t know this, my fellow inebriates. I just thought scientists had gone ahead and engineered blue raspberries. Why not? The other day the family ate yellow tomatoes and red peppers, and earlier at the bowling alley Miss V gobbled down a handful of blue M&Ms.

If they can make blue M&Ms, why couldn’t they engineer a blue raspberry? The two feats seem about equivalent, don’t they?

I pondered this briefly before deciding to make a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster. It’s supposed to be kind of bluish-green and taste like Jack Daniels with peach schnapps and blue curacao plus some orange juice. But you know the sorry state of our liquor cabinet, so I substituted gin for, well, all the ingredients—even the one item we had (best to save the OJ for the kiddies). Curiously enough, my Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster wasn’t bluish-green but clear. Given Douglas Adams’s description of the drink as “like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a gold brick,” I’d say my version was close enough.

Jell-O shot idea

Says one of my recent Facebook friend additions, Ian:

If you want yummy Jell-O shots — get Wild Cherry mixed with Amaretto — Fantastic!

I do want yummy Jell-O shots. Leaving this graphic aside…

…Jell-O shots are a plain-old great idea. I love all kinds, but this suggestion from Ian is a new one for me. When I think about it, it makes perfect sense, but I’m not sure why. The two flavors just seem to go together.

But almonds don’t taste like cherries. In fact, almonds don’t even taste like amaretto. Why is that? Am I just too wasted to know what I’m consuming?

Apparently the answer lies in the almonds. Amaretto, at least in its original formulation, was made with European almonds—bitter almonds. Whereas the almonds we eat here in North America are sweet almonds. It seems we are just too candy-assed to eat things like bitter almonds here. In fact, it’s illegal to cultivate them in North America. OMG, why?

It turns out bitter almonds contain laetrile, which contains two poisons: cyanide and benzaldehyde, the latter being the active ingredient that gives almond extract its well-known bitter aroma and taste. And all kinds of stone fruit contain laetrile–cherries, peaches, apricots. Most amaretto is made from apricots, not almonds, because they contain the same poison. Wow!

So, how much of this shit would I have to consume to die??

Well, thankfully a lot. Europeans eat bitter almonds all the time without keeling over, and by some dumb-ass contradictory bureaucratic food regulation we legally import bitter almond oil. So it’s okay, friends, you can eat that shit. Eat it, drink it, shoot it.