Brownies vs Xenu vs Scotch

My Fellow Inebriates,

It was “friend night” at Brownies, and Miss P got an invitation from her BFF. She was so excited that she ran all the way to the meeting. When it was over, she begged to join.

This confirms a household suspicion about Brownies: it is a cult. Think—what other sorts of events lure you in via the buddy system? An already-brainwashed friend invites you along…

  • Timeshares
  • Anthony Robbins–style self-help seminars
  • Scientology

Good grief—if only AA meetings were as compelling as any of these. They leave you feeling abject—like something’s missing from your life that only that special group of special people can supply. Without it you’re empty, bereft. Seriously, you could attend an AA meeting and walk out of it with a shrug (how good is cake without kirsch, anyway?) but Brownies? OMG, P is rabid to join Brownies.

Yesterday fairies, sprites, and pixies were the stuff of books she’s not that keen to read anyway. Today Miss P would yank out another tooth for the privilege of dancing around a toadstool, selling Dad overpriced cookies, and earning badges for such accomplishments as putting her underwear in the hamper or breathing air. Holy crap, it looks like Brownies is in our future.

How much does Brownies cost? Like the web page is gonna tell you. L. Ron Hubbard wouldn’t tell you up front. The info is nowhere to be seen on the website. As with scientology, we’re going to endure some face time with entities such as Snowy Owl, Purple Owl, and Horny Owl getting the sales pitch on what essential skills P now lacks that cannot be gleaned anywhere else.

Desperate to know how much money we’ll need to divert from liquor to Brownies, I queried another source. Apparently Brownies costs more per year than a very good bottle of Scotch, and they hit you up for $2 every time you attend. Never mind the multiple cases of cookies we’ll end up buying when my parents are too busy/lazy to trot P around the neighborhood pleading with people to pony up $5 a box.

So this is all very dire. Let’s hope it makes P happy.


An Earth Day shout-out to some special weirdos

An Earth Day shout-out to all my fellow inebriates: may your Earth Day be filled with planet-friendly choices such as the following:

  • Do not drive. How? you ask. How will I manage not to drive anywhere? That’s easy. Hand your keys to a friend and get really drunk.
  • Eat a vegetarian diet. OMG! you say. What things can I consume that don’t derive from animals? Why, beer of course. You can practically live off beer.
  • Be kind to animals. I love animals! you say, and that’s wonderful. Demonstrate it by giving alcohol to any bears who might ask you for it.

No Thetans on me

And now a shout-out to those special inebriates who believe certain weird things about our planet:

Earthlings are infected by Thetans, evil souls loosed on the planet by the galactic hegemon Xenu 75 million years ago. If you suspect one of these entities is plaguing you, make haste to the nearest scientology outfit and pay $7,000 to get clear like Tom Cruise.

All plants, animals, and humans sprang fully formed into existence 6,000 years ago. For many this makes much more sense than the ridiculous scientific notions of evolutionary biologists such as Richard Dawkins who posit that life developed on a geologic time scale. Notably, these macro-evolution doubters usually hasten to the doctor for their annual flu shot because, dontcha know it, those germs mutate pretty darn fast.

The sun revolves around the earth. Don’t feel embarrassed if you believe this—you’re in good company. One in five adult Americans subscribes to this 17th-century theory. I bet most bears believe it too.

Global warming is a hoax. Deniers come in all stripes, although they’re usually not climatologists. Even a group of astronauts has gotten in on it lately, challenging NASA’s endorsement of the broadly accepted climate-change model. Perhaps those hungry for a good conspiracy theory should ask themselves what lobby groups are behind these movements to generate controversy where there shouldn’t be any. For example, Larry Bell, one of the most prominent climate-change skeptics in the U.S. and a Tea Party darling, has the support of Exxon-Mobil. Getting to the truth of climate change is like peeling an onion.

We can’t afford to stock our liquor cabinet. I call bullshit on this one, Dad.