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ASTROLIQUOR for March 22 to 28, already in progress—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Your booze horoscope is going all to hell, the way I can’t manage to round up a typist, week after week. And here you are, making all sorts of decisions without astrological guidance, which makes me feel like an absolute bastard. Even if you are getting along fine without it (are you? omg, don’t tell me, it got me out of bed today)…here it is:

Aries, do not listen to any Journey songs this week, especially the ballads. They’ll get you down and make you feel lonely, plus the neighbors won’t appreciate the sound of you moaning out the window like a sick Steve Perry. They’ll suspect you’re constipated and peer inside, only to get an eyeful of you lurching around in filthy underwear sporting stains of Kahlua, Bailey’s, Cointreau, and who knows what.

Taurus, you’ll get a letter from the bank this week increasing your credit limit—and you didn’t even have to ask! How lucky is that? Now you can take an online course (what about currency trading?), expand your tequila collection, or visit some betting sites and leverage that illusory new windfall. But don’t compromise your principles! Don’t sell out to anyone! Every shooter you drink this week should have a gummy worm in it.

Gemini, when you receive unexpected praise from someone, you find yourself liking that person a whole lot more than is warranted and, more importantly, letting down your guard. Beware! Find a Scorpio you trust and go for a long walk. Explain everything and then wait for your Scorpio friend to serve you up some harsh truth about those insincere compliments and the douchebag who delivered them so blithely. The truth will hurt, and you’ll want vodka. Mix it with amaretto and Kahlua so you look like a connoisseur, not an alcoholic.

Cancer, you might experience a psychotic break this week. In retrospect you’ll realize it was all your fault (well, you and bourbon). In the aftermath your mind will go off on all sorts of tangents. One particular obsession will be the future (1000+ years); you foresee being able to manipulate lottery numbers and make yourself rich, but only if you can cryogenically freeze your head, which sounds like a chicken-and-egg problem. Spend your money on gin instead.

Leo, all kinds of things happen when you combine Jagermeister with Mountain Dew, but earning more money is not one of them. Take steps to create an income source. The lottery might win you a few bucks, but it won’t supply a comprehensive answer. Nope—you might have to actually work. Start networking; even if it doesn’t make the cash pour in, you’ll meet someone, and by August you’ll have seen their underwear.

As a Virgo you’re good at playing your cards close to your chest. Most of your most weirdo secrets will stay with you until you die, but don’t let secrecy get in the way of relationships. You’ll meet a “friend for life” this week (Leo or Taurus), so try and open up a bit. This will help:

  • 3 oz rum
  • 1 oz sloe gin
  • 1 oz Southern Comfort
  • 1 oz peach schnapps
  • Orange juice to taste (I’m having “none”)

Libra, give your brain a rest this week; it’s getting confused. Try not to multi-task—let’s face it, your resumé may say you can do it but you can’t pee and wipe your nose at the same time without an accident. Plan a holiday (carefully! make a list) or at least stock up on limoncello and vodka and have a mental holiday. Ahhhh!

Mars is exerting some apeshit influence on your chart, Scorpio. Try not to throw a punch at relatives or colleagues this week, and be nice to that friend who needs your advice. It concerns embarrassing personal stuff (the stars say money problems, or maybe something to do with genitals), and if you react kindly, you’ll bank some good karma. In other news, you have an undeterrable stalker (it’s a Cancer—don’t give this person any vodka).

Sagittarius, electronics will give you grief this week. Read the manual(s) before beating the shit out of your computer or toaster oven. Your dishwasher will fail several times to get a dried noodle off one of your pots. The stars have no solution for this, although they recommend Gordon’s gin (for you, not the Jet Dry compartment). Tuesday and Thursday are good for love and nudity.

Somebody’s gotta do it, Capricorn, and this week you are the designated driver. You’ll spend many evenings watching drunken friends get extraordinary amusement out of stupid board games, stupid movies, and yes—barfing in your car. If this sounds thankless, the stars apologize. You don’t have to listen to them; they are just balls of gas. They have no idea what Stoli vomit does to upholstery.

Aquarius, someone who’s gone unnoticed until recently becomes a hot-and-heavy love interest. Be careful! This person is a freak. Don’t mistake eroticism for ice-cold insanity; the stars are worried you could end up getting shivved with a broken bottle. Ease up on the vodka and keep your wits about you.

Pisces, you’re out of work again and you feel sorry for yourself. But your friends are jealous…spring is here and you’re free. Wake up whatever-the-hell-o’clock appeals to you, get the coffee going, and spike it up with Bacardi 151 and Kahlua. Have a few mugs and then phone your old boss.

ASTROLIQUOR for March 15-21—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’ll have temper flare-ups this week—in other words, the usual. If you suppress your rage, your friends and family may not notice, but of course you’ll end up constipated and boiling over with high blood pressure. You could go for a long walk to work your stress out. But why not just pour yourself a belt of Cutty Sark and Jim Beam? Try four ounces each.

Taurus, wine will transform your life this week. Maybe you put away a couple of bottles, or maybe you get giddy after one glass. No matter—this week wine will sharpen your wit (at least from your perspective) and draw a charismatic Sagittarius into your orbit. Stock up on apple brandy so you can pour it on your pancakes the next morning.

Household stress is in the stars, Gemini. Could be domestic unrest; could be challenging renovations or moving. The stars don’t have the details. Stay away from irritating people, count to ten when you encounter stupid douchebaggery, and generally avoid going out, because that’s where people are. Mix a big Bear with Orange Balls and nurse it all day.

Cancer, your emotional side has become finely honed. December to February almost caused a psychotic break, but you’ve come through it with more insights than ever about yourself and what you want. Now it’s time to take action. But first, a little celebration of your breakthrough…brandy and champagne.

Leo, get busy with real estate decisions, renovations, or risky financial manoeuvres. You are slowly losing your mind to Southern Comfort, so take action while you can. Older women may help you with your efforts. Listen to them; they are wiser than you and much more sober, plus they will give you sympathy even when you’re embarrassing yourself.

Usually skeptical about astrology, Virgo, this week you have a lapse and delve heavily into the subject, along with other paranormal subjects. Have a seance and invite all the dead people you know. If this creeps you out, get drunk first on Bailey’s and blackberry schnapps. You may not attract spirits, but who needs them when you’ve got spirits in your cup?

Libra, your normally fine memory is on the fritz. Too much peppermint schnapps, perhaps? Or simply lack of concentration? You may be having trouble focusing on other people’s conversations, thinking them too boring, but what you don’t know (and the stars do) is that other people are sick of you passing out after barfing on their carpets.

Bad news continues to dog you, Scorpio, as yet another good friend comes down with an illness. This time it’s not syphilis, but it is serious. Take your friend some hot rum and learn all about the sickness. Maybe you can help and/or ingratiate yourself sufficiently to get into the will. Don’t forget to get some fresh air and shake off that hospital funk.

Sagittarius, make the effort to see an old friend with whom you’ve lost touch. Good friendships are important, and let’s face it, it’s hard to make new ones when you’re constantly staggering around with a gin buzz. You may feel physically weak, but it’s nothing serious—just the usual dehydration and morning shakes. Keep your bar stocked so you can get on top of it in the morning.

Take it easy this week, Capricorn. You are seriously overstrained with worry and activity—perhaps even a touch of scurvy. Start incorporating vitamin C–rich juice into your bar drinks, but don’t forget the applejack brandy. Expect a Facebook friend request from a flaky character who reminds you of some sordid escapades from your past. Will you accept? (The stars don’t know.)

Aquarius, your spending is out of control. Do you really need all those artisanal spirits? You’re mainly just reeling around your house in a thong, right? Try getting by with just a couple of staples—say, Malibu and vodka. Skulk around the supermarket and find some discount fruit that’s not rotten yet. Soak it in vodka. Ahhh! Budget breakfast.

Pisces, your emotions clobber you this week with unexpected intensity, creating drama for all those around you. Big emotions frighten you and other people, so practise repressing them. Find a project, such as perfecting the Bloody Mary, and devote yourself to it. The stars don’t want you to be a nuisance to others.

ASTROLIQUOR for February 22 to March 1, already in progress

My  Fellow Inebriates,

You’ve been operating three days now without a booze horoscope and, while I would never say you’re drinking the wrong beverages, the stars are assholish and would rather you did their bidding. Now, if only the stars could get my typist to generate a horoscope on time. Apparently my parents are too busy “working for money” to rescue my paws from a near-impossible typing chore.

Aries:

Melon liqueur and tequila means spring is coming (unless you live down under, in which case, drink it anyway). Add some grapefruit juice, a lime slice, and a cherry. Complete meal.

Taurus:

Got 1.75 L of Everclear? You might if you don’t live in Canada (sigh). Jack that shit up with Red Bull, Country Tyme, and 24 cans of cheap hockey beer. Take Monday off work.

Gemini:

Grapefruit soda goes great with Beefeater. But Beefeater’s even better by itself.

Cancer:

You get to be the designated driver this week. Don’t worry, I know how it feels—LBHQ is dry right now.

Leo:

Why eat blueberry muffins when you can combine blueberry and vanilla vodka? That’s breakfast, all week long.

Virgo:

You deserve some rich, boozy dessert: Kahlua, vodka, and Bailey’s, blended up with some actual ice cream, milk, and ice. OMG, that sounds good, especially without the ice cream, milk, and ice.

Libra:

Another elaborate and silly drink for you. Hollow out some kind of tropical fruit. Fill it with amaretto, rum, and pineapple juice (that’s it! use the pineapple).

Scorpio:

It’s a boozy week and we need another designated driver. Tag, you’re it! You get to drink a nice wholesome milkshake while watching pals get pissed.

Sagittarius:

The stars like to experiment on you, Sag. Equal parts Bailey’s, Blue Curacao, and Pernod. OMG, what the hell will that even look like?

Capricorn:

The stars double-dare you this week. Firewater cinnamon schnapps + Tequila Rose strawberry cream liqueur = hell knows what. Lucky you.

Aquarius:

Bacardi with random juice for you. How about raspberry and orange? Another fine breakfast.

Pisces:

I just discovered they make root beer schnapps. Exactly why, who knows, but the stars want you to mix it up with Orange Crush, take your swampwater to a movie, and make a public nuisance of yourself. In other words, the usual.