Go ahead, call me irresponsible, but I’m already planning my New Year’s hangover. And if planning to lose control (“I’m gonna get so trashed, man”) smacks of high school, well then, you flatter me, because no school would take my furry ass. I’m an ignoramus.

Except where getting drunk is concerned. Here, then, is some arguably misguided expertise on how to deal with the aftermath of New Year.

Preemptive Steps:

Rub some lemon under your armpits.

• Say what? Just chop up a lemon (or lime) and squeeze the juice into your pits. Apparently they do this in Puerto Rico before getting hammered.
• Reliable? Sure—at making you lemony fresh.
• Verdict? Conceived by a sadist proffering the advice to friends with freshly shaved pits. D-

Eat before drinking.

• Say what? Fill your tummy with an absorbent meal. Make it a proper one; pouring tequila on top of a greasy snack guarantees indigestion.
• Reliable? Too sensible to be true, methinks.
• Verdict? For solid-food eaters, it sounds like a plan. B+

Tripe Soup.

• Say what? OMG, I can’t say it again.
• Reliable? Both preventive and restorative, it’s a reputed Turkish panacea for excessive drinking.
• Verdict? Unknown (and do me a favor, peeps, don’t tell me if you try it).

While Drinking:

Stick with one alcohol type.

• Say what? When you mix your drinks you load your body up with a vast array of flavors and additives, taxing your body’s ability to process the alcohol.
• Reliable? Solid advice, but a little boring.
• Verdict? For responsible types this is a go. B+

Choose clear booze (vodka/gin) over dark (whiskey/dark rum).

• Say what? Darker alcohol types have more congeners, which make for worse hangovers.
• Reliable? Studies show dark liquors such as brandy cause the worst hangovers, followed in descending order by red wine, rum, whiskey, white wine, gin and vodka.
• Verdict? Vodka looks good but so does bourbon. B

Ease up on the fizz.

• Say what? Carbonation hastens delivery of alcohol through your system.
• Reliable? YEAH! Pass the champers. Oh wait—if you’re avoiding getting drunk you’ll want to moderate your champagne consumption.
• Verdict? Save the bubbly for midnight. B+

Maintain hydration.

• Say what? Alcohol makes you pee, and you need to replace that water. Alternate glasses of water with alcoholic beverages.
• Reliable? Basic science.
• Verdict? OMG, you’ll really have to pee if you drink water too! You’ll be in and out of the stall all evening. B-

The Morning After:

Hair of the Buffalo—drink some Buffalo Milk.

• Say what? No, you don’t have to handle any buffalo teats. Buffalo Milk is the name of a Namibian ice cream float made with ice cream, dark rum, cream liqueur, spiced rum and whole cream. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need a hangover to justify drinking that.
• Reliable? The hair of the dog is classic. Getting tipsy without getting blitzed will ease you out of your rough state into happy mode again. The hair of the buffalo goes one step further, fortifying you with rich cream and sugar.
• Verdict? A good reason to drag yourself to life on New Year’s Day. B+

Cucumber juice with salt.

• Say what? You have to juice a cucumber, add salt to the juice and knock it back.
• Reliable? This Russian remedy may be vodka-specific. I’ll have to drink more vodka and research it.
• Verdict? I’ve no idea how much salt to use, and the juicer makes a loud noise. C

Sheep lungs and owl eggs.

• Say what? The ancient Romans swore by this après-toga party remedy.
• Reliable? Picturing myself aloft in the claws of an angry owl, I very much doubt it.
• Verdict? If you’re energetic enough to disembowel a sheep and wrest an owl’s eggs away from it for breakfast, you’re not hungover. C-

Bloody Mary.

• Say what? Replenish your alcohol levels while hydrating yourself with nourishing tomato juice and celery.
• Reliable? You gotta know it.
• Verdict? A+

Rabbit dropping tea.

• Say what? Back in the wild west, cowboys put rabbit pellets in their tea the morning after tying one on.
• Reliable? I don’t see too many cowboys drinking tea. This might be apocryphal.
• Verdict? Rabbits are pretty generous with their droppings, so it wouldn’t be too hard to try. You go first… D-