You found me how?

My Fellow Inebriates,

With New Year impending we’re awash in Top 10 lists. Being housebound and permanently drunk, I can’t weigh in very intelligently on the Top 10 of anything. I can’t even count to ten right now. Here, instead, are my favorite search terms from 2011.

By “search terms” I mean phrases people entered into search engines that somehow brought them to this site. Here’s a sampling:

why is alcohol so good

Here’s an example of a search engine working optimally. Every day is a paean to alcohol—because it is so very good.

random christmas turkey

I guess, depending on your lifestyle, having an entire hand inside you could qualify as random.

unicorn hug

There’s only been one unicorn mentioned on this site: Penelope the Unicorn, Barack Obama’s constant companion and co-worshiper of the Baby Jesus. Just the other day Dan Lacey emailed with a tracking number for the print he’s sending of the painting that escaped me on ebay. I’m so excited!

jack daniels jim beam johnnie walker jose cuervo

Somebody’s thinking like I do.

watermelon dude

I guess if you saw this once you might remember it and search for it again. I hope the searcher meant to find this pic.

calendar top shit

What does this even mean? How did it funnel someone here?

anti gay charity

Was somebody actively seeking out an anti-gay charity? Yikes.

santa flashing

Who wouldn’t want to see that?

beer throw up

Can’t argue with a search engine.

should I drink a beer

Uh, yeah.

bears nude guys

Bears and nude guys? Nude guys who are bearlike? I don’t know, so here you go.

nothing like a good spanky

I’ve never written about that (believe it or not).

meat liquor

To make liquor you need two things: plant matter and water. Anybody out there attempting to craft a meat liquor, drop me a line (but not a sample).

freak nativity scene

Here? On this site?

singha girl

You got it.

Thanks to everyone who visited this year. Have a delightfully drunken (but safe) New Year’s celebration, and I’ll catch you on the flip side.

Countdown to midnight—How to pace yourself so you make it to the end

My Fellow Inebriates,

With one day remaining of this, the penultimate year of the Mayan calendar, some decent bubbly is in order. There’s a multitude of reasons to kiss this year off with some drama. Not only is 2011 the last full year before the Apocalypse; but it really, really sucked. All sorts of bad stuff happened—the continuing economic downturn, the drop in real estate values, earthquakes, natural disasters…And my granny died, so 2011 can kiss my furry ass.

When you want a calendar year to piss off as badly as I do, some proper booze is in order. You want to be borderline senseless when you shoo that rotten year out the door.

Here’s the menu:

9:00am—Every good breakfast starts with orange juice, but a fantastic breakfast features vodka too. I’m mixing screwdrivers.

12:00pm—Time to slow the pace a bit. There’s a long day ahead, and Dolly has promised me a midnight kiss if I agree to rub myself with Bounce dryer sheets first—and if I’m awake. A nice lager fits the bill. I like Sleeman.

3:00pm—No sense getting gooned yet, but the drinking must continue. The solution? A milkshake with rum and Kahlua. The ice cream will absorb some alcohol and stand in for lunch.

6:00pm—The buzz should be steady by now, so a slow sipper is in order. I’m thinking cognac and sherry with a little chocolate liqueur.

9:00pm—What the hell, close enough to midnight. Break out the tequila—it’s time for Fisting in a Mexican Prison.

11:45pm—Somebody splash me with water, because it’s time to get the champagne flutes out. You mean you haven’t bought some sparkly sparkles yet? OMG! Without further ado, some recommendations:

  • Yellow Tail Bubbles. Thirteen bucks isn’t too much of a gamble. Fruity, sparkly and tropical.
  • Freixenet Cordon Negro Brut. Not bad, not bad, especially for under $15. Fresh and citrusy.
  • Henkell Trocken. At $13.99 it gets the job done admirably. Bright and sparkly.
  • Moet & Chandon Imperial. This is the real deal, from the Champagne region and jumping with sublime orchard aromas and flavors. It’s $65, though, and, if you’re as hammered as I at midnight, an unfortunate waste.

12:00am 2012—If the pacing on this booze menu turns out to be okay, maybe I’ll get my New Year’s kiss.

What’s on your New Year’s menu?

Tame that New Year’s hangover! 12 ideas for before, during and after your celebration

Go ahead, call me irresponsible, but I’m already planning my New Year’s hangover. And if planning to lose control (“I’m gonna get so trashed, man”) smacks of high school, well then, you flatter me, because no school would take my furry ass. I’m an ignoramus.

Except where getting drunk is concerned. Here, then, is some arguably misguided expertise on how to deal with the aftermath of New Year.

Preemptive Steps:

If I weren't furry this would really sting.

Rub some lemon under your armpits.

  • Say what? Just chop up a lemon (or lime) and squeeze the juice into your pits. Apparently they do this in Puerto Rico before getting hammered.
  • Reliable? Sure—at making you lemony fresh.
  • Verdict? Conceived by a sadist proffering the advice to friends with freshly shaved pits. D-

Eat before drinking.

  • Say what? Fill your tummy with an absorbent meal. Make it a proper one; pouring tequila on top of a greasy snack guarantees indigestion.
  • Reliable? Too sensible to be true, methinks.
  • Verdict? For solid-food eaters, it sounds like a plan. B+

Tripe Soup.

  • Say what? OMG, I can’t say it again.
  • Reliable? Both preventive and restorative, it’s a reputed Turkish panacea for excessive drinking.
  • Verdict? Unknown (and do me a favor, peeps, don’t tell me if you try it).

While Drinking:

Stick with one alcohol type.

  • Say what? When you mix your drinks you load your body up with a vast array of flavors and additives, taxing your body’s ability to process the alcohol.
  • Reliable? Solid advice, but a little boring.
  • Verdict? For responsible types this is a go. B+

Clear is good.

Choose clear booze (vodka/gin) over dark (whiskey/dark rum).

  • Say what? Darker alcohol types have more congeners, which make for worse hangovers.
  • Reliable? Studies show dark liquors such as brandy cause the worst hangovers, followed in descending order by red wine, rum, whiskey, white wine, gin and vodka.
  • Verdict? Vodka looks good but so does bourbon. B

Ease up on the fizz.

  • Say what? Carbonation hastens delivery of alcohol through your system.
  • Reliable? YEAH! Pass the champers. Oh wait—if you’re avoiding getting drunk you’ll want to moderate your champagne consumption.
  • Verdict? Save the bubbly for midnight. B+

Maintain hydration.

  • Say what? Alcohol makes you pee, and you need to replace that water. Alternate glasses of water with alcoholic beverages.
  • Reliable? Basic science.
  • Verdict? OMG, you’ll really have to pee if you drink water too! You’ll be in and out of the stall all evening. B-

The Morning After:

Hair of the Buffalo—drink some Buffalo Milk.

  • Say what? No, you don’t have to handle any buffalo teats. Buffalo Milk is the name of a Namibian ice cream float made with ice cream, dark rum, cream liqueur, spiced rum and whole cream. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need a hangover to justify drinking that.
  • Reliable? The hair of the dog is classic. Getting tipsy without getting blitzed will ease you out of your rough state into happy mode again. The hair of the buffalo goes one step further, fortifying you with rich cream and sugar.
  • Verdict? A good reason to drag yourself to life on New Year’s Day. B+

Cucumber juice with salt.

  • Say what? You have to juice a cucumber, add salt to the juice and knock it back.
  • Reliable? This Russian remedy may be vodka-specific. I’ll have to drink more vodka and research it.
  • Verdict? I’ve no idea how much salt to use, and the juicer makes a loud noise. C

Sheep lungs and owl eggs.

  • Say what? The ancient Romans swore by this après-toga party remedy.
  • Reliable? Picturing myself aloft in the claws of an angry owl, I very much doubt it.
  • Verdict? If you’re energetic enough to disembowel a sheep and wrest an owl’s eggs away from it for breakfast, you’re not hungover. C-

Bloody Mary.

  • Say what? Replenish your alcohol levels while hydrating yourself with nourishing tomato juice and celery.
  • Reliable? You gotta know it.
  • Verdict? A+

Rabbit dropping tea.

  • Say what? Back in the wild west, cowboys put rabbit pellets in their tea the morning after tying one on.
  • Reliable? I don’t see too many cowboys drinking tea. This might be apocryphal.
  • Verdict? Rabbits are pretty generous with their droppings, so it wouldn’t be too hard to try. You go first… D-