pumpkin ale – Liquorstore Bear

Over the last month pumpkin beer has had its way with LBHQ—much the way the kids have had their way test-driving Halloween costumes with yours truly.

We’ve had so much Halloween-inspired beer that last time we went beer shopping our brains shut down and we bought macro beer. The pumpkin beer thing had just started seeming (and tasting) kind of gimmicky.

With the exception of LOST SOULS CHOCOLATE PUMPKIN PORTER, in which pumpkin and its associated spices take a backseat to chocolate and, well, beer, these pumpkin offerings have been a little irresolute about what they’re going for.

STEAMWORKS has already impressed us with its steampunk-inspired bottle and pleasantly hoppy PALE ALE. But how does its PUMPKIN ALE perform?

Chihuahuas…there for the cupcakes.

Dark and opaque with an apt orange tinge, STEAMWORKS PUMPKIN ALE wafts pumpkin pie spices aplenty. For seasoned pumpkin ale drinkers this might be very welcome. For occasional indulgers, it’s a little confusing. And for bears who eschew solids entirely, it’s a whole new experience. I mean, it’s a little random. Where was the turkey-flavored Thanksgiving beer? Are we getting poppy-seed beer this Remembrance Day?

Importantly, the spices in STEAMWORKS PUMPKIN ALE aren’t overwhelming; they’re just a little too interesting perhaps. On the palate they don’t dominate, but the beer does end on an unexpectedly sour note. Not abusive like this:

Just weirdly dessert-like and a little precious. I don’t think any respectable hobo would bother with it, especially at $5.50 for 650 mL.

For those fellow inebriates with moustache concerns, STEAMWORKS PUMPKIN ALE won’t leave a cloying residue on your facial hair/fur. I spilled quite a bit of it on myself and have still managed to escape the washing machine, possibly because I licked it up, which animals do.

I do believe I’ve had enough

Of Halloween-inspired beer.

I started with an open mind

But now I find these products queer.

If hops and barley weren’t enough,

The ghosts and goblins usher in

A cornucopious array

Of “pumpkin” everything but gin.

It’s not like I would ever turn

This autumn merchandise away.

My paws would tremble violently

Without a sip to start the day.

Elysian and Fernie ale,

Lost Souls and Schadenfreude—

My parents wouldn’t buy them all;

At first I was a bit annoyed.

But as we sampled one or two,

Then three and four and five,

The odds seemed most uncertain that

The hops and gingered cloves would jive.

Essentially I just want booze,

Not cinnamon or nutmeg musk,

Nor allspice-dusted candied yams—

Just alcohol from dawn to dusk.

For this my girlfriend says I’m shite,

Unworthy of a hug or cuddle.

That’s fine, I say, but what about

A beer that’s not a flavor muddle?

And then the bottles, people, look!

Each with a creepy pumpkin head…

They scare the shit out of this bear,

Redoubling his existing dread.

Perhaps purveyors of these brews

Don’t realize that I live in fear?

With Scary, Fluffy, and Miss P,

Why would I want scares from my beer?

If only talismanic power went

Along with this autumnal fare;

I’d ward off Fluffy and his twin,

Apocalyptic Scarybear.

Instead I reek not just of malt

But ginger barf and pumpkin tart.

If Mum gets just one rancid whiff,

An evil Maytag ride might start. (OMG!)

So goodbye, spicy cookie notes

Confounding my October ale.

You’ve left your dark kavorka* on

My moustache, chin, and furry tail.

When Halloween has come and gone,

I’ll give these funny beers a pass

Unless, again, I find myself

With DTs chomping at my ass.

*thanks again, beerbecue