Can Sylvia Browne solve the Fluffy problem?

My Fellow Inebriates,

We bears were left to our own devices Sunday, as Dad was helping my uncle (he doesn’t know I call him that) mount a TV. I was resentful because (1) presumably there would be beer there; and (2) Fluffy had just destroyed our TV with his mind, and I wondered how my dad could bear to fondle another man’s television when our own was kaput.

Dad says Fluffy really didn’t destroy the TV and that I am just being a dick. Why would Fluffy destroy the TV? He likes TV. In fact, watching TV is the only activity that suits his catatonic demeanor.

Fluffy possessed copyOkay, so maybe Fluffy didn’t deliberately break our TV. He probably just hasn’t learned to control his mind powers yet. If he goes too long without letting off some paranormal steam, the result is a telekinetic ejaculation the likes of which might wreck a TV or a dishwasher without him actually intending it.

So we need a solution, otherwise all our electronics are in danger. What Fluffy needs is a controlled way of releasing his telekinetic energy and whatever other occult stuff he’s got going on so we can all live in peace. He needs his own Psychic Channel.

sylviaheadshotI contacted Sylvia Browne to see how she built up her psychic empire, not just because I don’t have a clue how Fluffy should proceed, but because I wanted to know if she, too, had been having difficulty blowing her telekinetic load before she founded her Inner Circle. But Sylvia Browne is huge! You can’t just send her an email. You have to use her corporate customer service form (unless, of course, you subscribe, in which case I’m guessing you could ask her a question, also for a fee).

 sylvia browne form

Dear Sylvia,
I don’t have $850 for a reading but I figure you’re doing okay so you won’t mind answering a quickie for free.
There’s this bear in our house who used to live with my dead Granny (well, not when she was dead, but before that). Then he moved to my house where he started making stuff move around and break. He’s wrecked the dishwasher and the TV plus a few other items. I don’t know why he would break the TV—he likes TV—but maybe you can figure it out.
My main question is: Is there such a thing as blowing your telekinetic wad? Does this happen to you? Or did it before you started your corporation? Should we start a similar corporation?
 Liquorstore Bear

She’s heeeere

An eerie feeling has been creeping up on me …someone might be around. Someone who isn’t with us any more.

The general policy around LBHQ is to be skeptical about paranormal activity. Things get weird enough when your brain cells spend the percentage of time marinating in tequila that mine do. It’s already a sufficient struggle to keep track of the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny without entertaining the notion that my deceased Granny might be haunting us.

BUT. Weird Things Have Happened.

If you missed my last reports about Granny, here are the facts:

  • Granny was my mum’s mother. She was part of the liquor-store shopping expedition during which I was purchased in 2005.
  • Granny was one of those people who understands bears. She even had her own bear, which my mum sent to her seven years ago, and which resided with her in Ireland.
  • Granny and I enjoyed a glass of chardonnay together from time to time when she visited Canada.  
  • Granny died in November.

We try to be very fact-oriented around here, but with two little girls under six ruling the household, things get unavoidably fanciful.

And those girls have been ardently wishing for Granny to come back.

Do they know what they’re asking? OMG! I don’t think they do. You see, my parents haven’t shown them any zombie movies or documentaries about the Shroud of Turin, nor do they read William Peter Blatty books to them at bedtime. Thus the kids have no points of reference vis-à-vis resurrection, the undead, or even poltergeists. So when they wish for Granny to return, they’re expressing an innocent hope without tapping into the arsenal of pop-cultural paranoia to which we older types have ready access.

HOWEVER. There Are These Weird Things.

Exhibit A

Cold spots. If you’ve seen The Sixth Sense you know things get cold when there are ghosts present. Well, our house has been freaking cold! In fact, only when my dad fixed the furnace did it get warmer. You be the judge.

Exhibit B

Noises. When my mum had her birthday last month, my dad took the kids out for a few hours. The house became uncharacteristically silent, and she started doing my typing. Then, suddenly (!) there was a loud crash from another room. Something had fallen. All by itself. Now…was it the precarious pile of toys in the living room simply conceding to gravity, or was it Granny wishing Mum a happy birthday?

Exhibit C

The kids are terrified of going upstairs. When Granny died in November, the whole family talked about it without any reference to the possibility of an afterlife, ghosts, spirits, haunting—any of that stuff—and certainly without any ideas about the dead coming back or watching us or trying to communicate. And, despite some sadness over Granny’s death, the girls bounced back quickly to their normal selves—and had no reason to be afraid of roaming the house. UNTIL…

Exhibit D

Fluffy. The weirdest thing has been the arrival of Fluffy, the bear that, years ago, my mum sent to Granny in Ireland, and which was returned to us after her death.

Shortly after Mum’s brother brought Fluffy back to us from the funeral, the girls became afraid. First the four-year-old refused to go upstairs alone, then the six-year-old (never previously afraid) became anxious too. Now neither will go upstairs without the other. When questioned, they don’t produce a reason, but something has changed.

Fluffy remains uncommunicative, his brain seemingly damaged by the long soak in detergent and fabric softener he was subjected to before his trans-Atlantic flight. Catatonic as he is, Fluffy has still captured the affections of my bear-fetishizing once-upon-a-time girlfriend Dolly (perhaps she digs catatonia too).

Getting jilted isn’t the weird part, though. The weird part is Fluffy’s impassive, expressionless yet overwhelming presence. Oh, we regular bears have tried to get to know him. He even sleeps in the bear bed with us, his sheer fluffiness taking up half the bed. But he doesn’t respond, even when I grind up against him obnoxiously just to elicit a reaction. Nothing. And yet, he is. Fluffy is here.

I don’t know if Granny ever talked to Fluffy while he lived in her room. She was very solitary; she used to stay in, reading and smoking (Fluffy has probably been in nicotine withdrawal the last couple of months).


Streakers. As you know, I spend a lot of time staring—just staring—and the almost-things I see are just in my peripheral vision. And there are more of them since Fluffy arrived! My mum says this comes from drinking wormy mescale. You be the judge.

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Okay, so Fluffy’s not friendly, but is he possessed?

My mum says it’s just jealousy and mescale talking, but I think so.

Has Fluffy permanently stolen my girlfriend?

Yes. Fleecy is to Dolly what Axe body spray is to teenage girls, and I can’t compete with his outrageous floral aroma.

Is Fluffy going to compete with me for liquor?

We’ll see. I don’t mind if he helps open bottles, but he isn’t any more equipped with thumbs than he is with a vocabulary.

Is Fluffy harboring Granny’s ghost, and is she gathering strength so she can reveal herself to us? OMG! I don’t even have any chardonnay to offer her.

Granny was my mum’s mother, so I asked her if she thinks Granny’s here. She says she doesn’t know, but she’s going to tighten the cap on the mescale.