malibu

ASTROLIQUOR for April 20-26—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Listen carefully to those around you this week, Aries. Someone is going to share the secret of an easy life. So keep your ears open…who knows, somebody might advise you to drop your entire paycheque on lottery tickets, and this is your week. Do it! Your best days for reckless investing are Monday and Tuesday. Pick the right numbers and you could be awash in vodka and champagne.

Taurus, life has been rough lately but this week brings a small reprieve. Not only do you feel calm; you feel strengthened by past challenges. Your new confidence will in turn attract people, ending your recent loneliness. What does this mean? You got it—you should start showering again. Don’t forget, because even though vodka is fairly odorless, the cranberry vodka vomit on your greasy old sweatpants isn’t.

Emotions ramp up at work, Gemini, as your colleagues prove what you’ve always suspected: they are dicks. You’ll find one ally among them, however—a Scorpio who shares your best interests but isn’t very smart. Does that mean your own interests aren’t very smart? That depends. Do they involve drinking a lot of rum on the job?

The usual advice is not to spread yourself too thin, Cancer. But this week is different. Try to be in as many places as possible so you always have one or even several alibis. This is an excellent time to ask people for money, as long as you get them drunk first. Try vodka and creme de bananes.

Leo, your brain is on fire with ideas this week. You find yourself at the pub nightly, talking a mile a minute, bothering other people for  money, then blowing the borrowed money on buying rounds. This is going to get you beat up.  The only ingredient that could make things more dangerous for you is Red Bull. Do not under any circumstances combine it with equal portions of Frangelico and Malibu.

It’s time to cut costs, Virgo, which means making your own booze. You’re hesitant, though, because of the well-known Virgo penchant for expensive liquor. Okay, so no dandelion wine or moonshine for you. But don’t you have a neighbor with a plum tree? Steal those plums and age them with some vodka, brandy, and sugar. While you’re waiting two months for your plum liqueur, you can drink Bud. You’re welcome.

Libra, this week features a happy ending of some sort. Make sure you enjoy it thoroughly before embarking on something new. You’ll be basking in the quiet admiration of others while you navigate your work life like a star. That’s the power of vodka in a flask. Just don’t take that confidence to the casino or you’ll get flattened.

A recent infatuation has dissolved, Scorpio, leaving you with the dry heaves. Try not to forget that this person did have some positive qualities, even if his/her best quality right now is absence from your life. Just as well; that person was all wrong. You need someone who won’t be fazed by the bedside bucket full of gin, vodka, triple sec, tequila, and limoncello.

Sagittarius, communication is your strong suit this week. You can tell anyone anything without fearing a bar fight. Your clear vision of the big picture allows you to disregard small details and accomplish projects that have been on the back burner. It’s a power week! Get all your shit done and congratulate yourself with some champagne.

There’s a shady Taurus in your immediate circle this week, Capricorn, so avoid spilling your dirty laundry;  it could come back to bite you. This might mean easing off on the beer consumption—at least around the questionable Taurus. Around anyone of any other star sign, you can get totally pissed.

Aquarius, you’re being provoked by other people, especially Cancers and Virgos. Just ignore them; they are total douchebags. Instead keep your eyes open for a Leo. This Leo wants to mate, but your stars are much better lined up for friendship. Share a 46er of rum and see what happens.

Pisces, you’ve got everything working on autopilot at work, which leaves you free to hang out with friends. It’s been a while since you’ve felt competent at work. Carry the momentum into the dating sphere, but take it super-casual, at least until June, when you’ll meet someone interesting. Vanilla vodka will be involved. And the good news? No one will have to call the police.

ASTROLIQUOR for April 13-20—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’re into everybody else’s business, Aries, with a strange and manic new angle: temperance. At first you’ll be surprised how much detail you remember about other people’s lives when you’re not blasted out of your noodle. You’ll appreciate the peace that comes from a non-throbbing head. You’ll even go for a jog or some such lunacy. Know that this madness will pass. You will start to miss seeing people through beer goggles.

Taurus, it’s not a week for romance. And yet it seems as though the whole world is rutting. Coworkers are getting it on in a closet somewhere, sending out reeking pheromones. Somehow you feel you should get in on this—yet you know it would be a mistake. Stay the course for one more week. You can have fun all by yourself with some vodka, Kahlua, and creme de menthe.

Your professional life takes a back seat to socializing, Gemini, giving you a sense of being on holiday even while at your desk. Your brain is certainly on vacation, but your boss doesn’t care because he/she knows how smart you can be when you’re not loaded. But what on earth would possess you to combine red wine and Coca-Cola? Never mind—just do it.

A highly emotional week is on tap, Cancer. One second you’re crying, the next you’re laughing. If that doesn’t demote your credibility enough, you could recite some of your secret poems or bestow flowers on someone you’ve been stalking. What’s the fuel for all this emotive spew? Why, Jack Daniel’s and Yukon Jack in equal parts. You can’t have that for breakfast without results.

Leo, early in the week a close friend surprises you with something small. Even if it’s just a flower, it makes your day. So uplifting is the simple gesture that you spread it on to others—that’s you buying the shots! Next thing you know your head is full of tequila and everyone loves everyone else. Not bad.

Virgo, your tendency to tell it like it is means an awkward moment for a Pisces or Gemini in your social circle. This person is not into you now, but if you hang in there things could change. But don’t obsess! People will start noticing and call the police. My wisest suggestion would be to hole up at home with some blueberry schnapps. That way you’ll be occupied drinking and occupied barfing later.

Libra, this is not a good time for thinking. Simply put, you are a total airhead this week. Do nothing financial. Do nothing mechanical. Let the world go on with its business while you make a fantastic punch:

  • 3 cups Everclear
  • 3 cups vodka
  • 3 cups peach schnapps
  • 1.5 cups Malibu
  • 1 gallon Hawaiian Punch

This doesn’t have to be for you only. Go ahead—invite a couple of friends. One of them will give you a hickey.

Take care of yourself, Scorpio. You’ve been working like crazy, pursuing change in your life, but don’t forget about your health. Scorpios have a tendency to let their own intensity magnify until it explodes. Try yoga or, if you think that’s totally lame, a fruity drink. Fruity drinks make people feel relaxed. Think Bacardi white rum and White Curacao and…I don’t know, fruit of some kind.

Sagittarius, you’re zeroing in on some bigtime work success, but you mustn’t force things. Sometimes it’s better not to try. This is as true of flirtations as it is the office. If you try too hard romantically, you might get arrested again. Keep your flask full of apple brandy and Cointreau; it’ll mellow you out.

It’s all about love this week, Capricorn, even if you’re more focused on the romantic aspect than the getting with. Opportunities present from all sides, producing the same sort of paralysis that comes over shoppers in the vodka aisle. So much selection, so little time. So close your eyes and pick one! Do it! That takes care of the vodka side of it. Now choose a person to share it with.

Aquarius, you need to keep up with laundry, showers, and personal hygiene. That smell on you isn’t “musk.” Don’t be fooled into thinking vodka has no odor. It may not, but you marinated in vodka are quite another matter. Vodka is awesome, though. If you stroll through the vodka aisle you may meet a Capricorn who’s into sharing.

Pisces, your stars are increasingly significant now through November. You feel a strong influence to change your life profoundly. You may move, perhaps even out of jail. You may find a new job or even, simply, a job. Whatever you do, follow your passion. Live large and skip the Bud. You deserve some Mozart chocolate liqueur.

ASTROLIQUOR for March 16-22—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’re itching to solve a puzzle, Aries. If you’re into paranormal exploration, this is the week for it. So get out that Ouija board and start channeling. Perhaps Fluffy, the possessed bear who is freaking the shit out of me, could join you on Saturday. You guys could break out the vanilla vodka and talk to the dead. And I’d stay home with our Malibu dregs, feeling safer than I’ve felt since he came to live with us.

Taurus, your friends are uncomfortable with you. You’ve been so busy building your career and gathering possessions that you’ve bored the hell out of them. Sort your relationships out with a Malibu party. Ten parts Malibu to 20 parts lime-flavored rum (plus some Blue Curacao to make it pretty) should do it. You’ll have your friends back in no time—reeling and vomiting all over your house.

All your peeps are slacking off, Gemini, and for some reason the lectures are coming easily to you. But be careful—your lack of diplomacy will give you headaches later. People who go on self-righteous streaks should always remain indoors where they can yell at the TV while pounding Bombay Sapphire. Be nice to the pets, though, and consider sharing your gin with them.

All that Everclear in your system is catching up with you, Cancer. Time to switch gears, hit the spa, and—dare I say it—ease off on the liver. If you can stretch that organ out until 2020 or so, you’ll be able to get a spanky new one grown in a lab. As cool as that sounds, you’ll need to make some wise investments so you can afford it. This is a great week to research financial options. (And after a little rest you can start hitting the Everclear/Red Bull/Gatorade shitmix again.)

Leo, your mouth could get you into trouble this week. Remember, you’re not telling a lie if you opt not to say something. I know, it’s very hard to withhold the truth when you’re absolutely hammered. So here’s an unpalatable cocktail that you won’t be able to consume in bulk:

  • 3 oz Jagermeister
  • 1 oz rootbeer schnapps (yes! they make this stuff)
  • 1/3 oz Goldschlager
  • 1 oz Dr. Pepper

Then again, you might really dig this drink, in which case you’d better drink a LOT of it so you can’t talk at all.

You’re looking good this week, Virgo, and nothing seems to vex you. Colleagues are asking what your secret is. Tell them it’s Smirnoff pear-flavored vodka with a little Chambord that gives you your rosy glow and increases your productivity at work. What better way to get people off your back about the flask?

Libra, the spiritual world is beckoning. Whether you have a chance encounter with a psychic or whether you have a demonic golem like Fluffy in your house, now’s the time to engage with the supernatural. It’s not weird; even the most pragmatic people can benefit from meditation. And if meditation doesn’t help you find your Third Eye, there’s always Smirnoff. Try it with creme de cacao, triple sec, and cream. Ahhhh! Transcendence!

You get a burst of power this week, Scorpio. Now’s the time to control other people and get things done. So confident are you that you’ll arrive late for every single appointment—unapologetic and drunk. It’s exactly as awesome as it sounds. Drink scotch openly and no one will say a word against you. You are invincible!

Sagittarius, you have a sick friend who needs attention. Be supportive; this friend will rally to your side in the future. Opportunities to be unselfish lead to personal growth, which you desperately need. Although you’ve solidified a reputation as a vodka-swilling slacker, you’re entering a successful phase.

Daydreams capture your imagination, Capricorn, giving your work a semblance of smoothness. But a difficult problem will arise, requiring the support of colleagues to solve it. Oh no! With coworkers going into your file cabinets it will be hard to hide those bottles of JD, Wild Turkey, and Bacardi 151. Better be preemptive and share first. After all, these people might get you promoted. Oh yeah, and one of them wants to have sex with you. Don’t do it! He/she is attached to someone who will seek revenge. Ack!

Aquarius, it’s okay to masturbate in front of the TV, but make sure the blinds are drawn; your neighbors are getting an eyeful. Likewise at the supermarket, bakery, or bus stop—be discreet! Maybe you need some alcohol to keep you out of trouble and dampen your horny impulses. Put Bacardi on your shopping list.

Pisces, your ambitions are on the upswing, as is your love life. You’ll have a brief flirtation this week, followed by some watermelon schnapps madness, but it won’t pan out. Just as well—with the stars supplying plenty of career and educational opportunities this week, small dalliances can only distract you from your path. If you try hard, you can stay out of jail.