malibu

To better days

My Fellow Inebriates,

I don’t know what was more evil yesterday:

  1. Watching Rick Perry conflate gay bashing with Christian values in under 30 seconds
  2. Seeing my coveted painting climb at ebay auction
  3. Learning that Santa’s pretend

Okay, I know, the first one’s the worst. Sure, I live in Canada, but here in the Great White North we often have a justifiably paranoid sense of piggybacking on American values, and when a stupid tool like Perry starts spouting off, I worry that at least some of my compatriots are nodding their heads in agreement.

Werewolf perhaps. Douchebag certainly.

Nice to see: Perry’s “Strong” spot netted him over 440,000 “dislikes” on YouTube. As for his 10,000+ “likes,” all I can do is raise a toast to rednecks. Too bad my dad won’t buy me any Bud.

Artist: Dan Lacey

The second item is becoming a minor personal tragedy. Somebody wants my objet d’art very badly, but I’m just a small, underfunded bear—I can’t compete with a bid like $38. As transported as I am by that painting, the alcoholic in me is automatically calculating how many bottles of wine it’s worth. Not to mention my dad said that if I used his PayPal account he would put me in the washing machine.

The third thing was just gonna happen, I guess. But seriously, how could I have known Santa wasn’t real? I mean, Canada Post delivers our letters to him, elves write back to us, NORAD tracks him for pete’s sake. Fine, I’m a naïve animal, but I didn’t expect my parents to be the dickheads who dropped the bomb.

Ample reasons, I think, to kick off the day with Smirnoff. I’m making a Salty Dog*: 2 oz each of vodka and grapefruit juice plus 2 tsp of salt. Yeah! Here’s to better days.

*substituting Malibu for vodka

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 9-15

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you are feeling flush. You have lots of time to get drunk, but remember to leave your car at home, because wherever you go, there will be a breathalyzer test near you. This is important, because Aries people sometimes think they can get away with all kinds of shit. You wouldn’t think that, would you? Try something cool and different: Shochu for you.

Taurus, the stars are telling you to be a lazy douche this week. If that sounds like you, then find someone else to make new and exciting drinks for you—someone with patience…someone who can make buttered rum from scratch. You have to be nice to this person though, or the deal’s off.

Your emotions are a roller coaster, Gemini. People think you’re a meth-head; you’re so manic you can’t sit down. What you need is a project: Malibu jello shots. Find some peach or passionfruit Jell-O and substitute Malibu for one of the cups of water. You’ll have to wait for it to set a bit, but you can use this time to drain the Malibu bottle.

You have formidable emotions to harness this week, Cancer. Your mission is to subdue your inner crybaby and get happy. Try meeting new people who don’t know anything about you. With new people you have a clean slate—they won’t get so angry when you barf white rum all over them.

You’ve been too mature lately, Leo, so it’s time to get silly. You should mix a ridiculous cocktail and take it to work. I’m thinking vodka, creme de bananes, and amaretto. If people ask you why the spreadsheet isn’t adding up, moon them.

The universe is trying to create peace in your life, Virgo, but it can’t because you’re always trying to take charge. Ease up with a beach-style drink: equal parts watermelon schnapps, blue curacao, and triple sec. You’ve been too controlling, so you need to drink this until you lose all control.

Libra, whatever negativity you’ve been hanging on to, you need to let go of it now! It’s time to be positive and live in the moment. Whip up some pink lemonade with some Canadian Club, ice, and a little water; add Cool Whip and froth it up some more. Make yourself a Cool Whip beard.

Scorpio, later in the week you’ll need to be careful with facts and figures, but for now it’s playtime—equal parts Tia Maria and rum, shaken with pineapple juice and ice. Although I always recommend taking mixtures like this outside in a flask, this is a bad week for it. People will mess with you and put you on the wrong bus unconscious, so you should hang in.

Sagittarius, you mustn’t trust your own judgment this week. Let others tell you what to do. I’m going to start by recommending this crazy Root Beer Float. Look into my eyes! Do it! Combine Smirnoff, Cuervo, Galliano, Kahlua, cream, and Coca-Cola! What the hell this has to do with root beer I don’t know, but the cops will be taking a full report after your revved-up evening.

You’re in for an insane week, Capricorn. You’ll barely be able to duck when things get thrown at you (and you know how helpful alcohol is with agility). But it really is hopeless, so drink up anyway, and start early. Coffee’s pretty boring without Kahlua and creme de cacao in it.

Your powers are returning to you, Aquarius, and you are both magnetic and intimidating. Others will watch your exploits with admiration—in fact, you’ve never been so influential. Therefore this is the only week, perhaps, that you can get away with drinking Jagermeister and Southern Comfort openly at work. YEAH! Mix it up with some tonic. Your coworkers will be fawning over you.

Pisces, you need to speak up when people do you wrong. Sometimes that’s hard, but a little alcohol might loosen you up enough to express yourself. This week calls for sweet, soothing concoctions. Here’s an idea:

  • 1 oz Irish cream
  • 1 oz Kahlua
  • 2 oz Frangelico
  • 1 oz cream
  • 1 oz vodka
  • 1/3 cup peanut butter

Got a big martini shaker? Shake this like crazy with ice so it doesn’t come out chunky. A lot of ingredients, eh? How will you find them all in jail?

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 2-8

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

It’s time for holiday parties, Aries, and your key word is networking this week. Unfortunately you’ll need to keep your wits about you, because you’re a real bad-ass about bar fights when you’re loaded. Choose high-fat festive drinks to soak up some alcohol. I’m thinking eggnog with rum and Kahlua for you.

Taurus, this week features long-distance relationships. This can get really maudlin. Be careful when you’re skyping not to spill your holiday apple cider all over the keyboard, or get naked, because it can all be recorded 😉

There’s money in your future this week, Gemini. The best place to invest it is your liquor cabinet. You can afford a classy gin. Try mixing it with dry sherry in a rocks glass, garnished with lemon.

Although you’re a romantic at heart, Cancer, it’s not often that you let people enter your precious inner rectum sanctum. With horny love planet Venus in your relationship house it’s a good time to drop your pants guard. Sexy times call for sexy drinks, so how about combining triple sec, Malibu and peach schnapps in equal amounts? That should facilitate good times.

You have an urge to beautify yourself this week, Leo, as Venus tours your house of healthy living. Just remember: if you add pineapple juice to anything, it becomes healthy. Go with white tequila.

You’ve been doing a lot of stalking lately, Virgo, but it’s finally time to make your move. Don’t worry, you’re on a hot streak. There’s gotta be someone special out there who doesn’t mind the smell of cheap whiskey and maple syrup in the morning.

It’s home improvement time, Libra, but as usual you have to be careful not to overcommit. It would be just like you to go all-in on some DIY idea and then bail, leaving all the shit lying around your kitchen for the next year. That’s because you’re always drunk. If you insist on being industrious, try mixing up this awesome drink:

  • 1.5 oz rum
  • 0.5 oz bourbon
  • 0.5 oz creme de cacao
  • 0.5 oz blackberry brandy

That should keep you busy, and it doesn’t matter if it’s splattered around your kitchen for a few days.

Think locally, act drunkenly, Scorpio. There’s a lot of great stuff going on in your neighborhood, obviating the need to drive. It’s more fun reeling around on foot anyway. I can see you hammered on the street corner, reeking of whiskey and orange-flavored vodka.

Sagittarius, you’re flush again and ready to throw all that cash into liquor. Have you ever tried vanilla vodka? Go get some! Throw it together 2:1 with Southern Comfort. If you get the urge to go outside and find new friends, pour your mixture into a bottle of Green Gatorade and take it outside! What flavor is Green Gatorade anyway? I have no idea.

You’re unaccountably popular this week, Capricorn. You’re a magnet, and people are on you like flies. Buy them drinks. Malibu drinks! They will love that. Take them to your house, get out the blender and blend more Malibu drinks. Try frozen pink lemonade, Malibu and whipped cream. Mmmm. When everybody gets too drunk, kick them out.

You’re still stressed out, Aquarius, so your job is to create a dreamy mindscape for yourself. Relax… What? Yeah, I know, it’s hard to let go. I know how that is. If you can’t ease your tension, you need a shit-kicking mixture to assist. Here’s the ultimate combo: 2 oz each Cuervo, Jack Daniels, Johnnie Walker and Jim Beam. That’s all! Mix them all up, equal parts, and sip till you don’t care.

Pisces, there’s a party going on near you, and the networking possibilities are huge. That means tequila. Tequila with Corona—yeah!! Who knows, maybe you’ll wake up with your boss.